New here looking for support

[Maz884]

 Hi, i lost my Nan last June and im really struggling with the grief. My nan was my hero through my whole life. I will briefly explain as i feel it may be relevant to how im feeling. So i was adopted at 3 months old after being taken awayfrom my birth mum 2 days after i was born. The people that adopted me went on to have 2 biological kids of there own after adopting me. By the age of 5 i was pushed out, neglected and abused. All this because i wasnt their child biologically. I was just the tool to provide them with a pregnancy. My Nan is my adoptive dads mum. She was the only consistent person in my life. The only person who made me feel happy and safe. The only happy childhood memories i hold were at her house. Her house was my safe place where i knew i was loved and no harm would come to me. She was literally my world and my hero. She left her house to go into a care home in feb last year. I went and spent her last evening in her house with her and when i left that night i cried for 4 hours solid. No one could understand why. That house held so many memories for me. That house was the place where i was happy and safe. 4 months later she passed away. 94 years old! I had a phone call to say she wasnt good and should pop up and see her the next day. After that phone call i couldnt settle i was on edge i put my phone on loud which it never was and for some reason my head was just thinking about a funeral! She hadnt even left us by this point! I knew it was going to happen soon. 2 hours after the phone call i got another one to say she had gone :( i rushed up to see her before the coroner took her away. She lay peacefully in her bed with a flower between her hands. This helped me and i believe if i didnt do this i would have been worse than i am now. Anyway the funeral ended up being on my 10 year olds birthday and internment was 6 weeks later. Im seeing each of these stages as a hurdle to get over is this a good way to deal with it? Her death was hurdle 1, funeral hurdle 2, internment hurdle 3, name one the grave stone hurdle 4 and the last hurdle for me will be inheritance arribing which im really not looking forward to but again no one understands this. I feel alone, abandoned all over again after adoption and getting kicked out at 16. I feel ive lost everything but i have my kids and hubby! Im lost! I dont know how to cope with this greif. Thanks for reading

[Sandra61]

Hello Maz, I'm so sorry for your loss. 

It sounds like your lovely nan was your rock in a difficult world, so I am not surprised this has hit you so hard. Most of us feel like this when we lose our mum, but clearly your nan was the closest thing you had to a mum, so it probably feels to you like it did for me when my mum died; that the foundations of your life have crumbled from under your feet and you are left not knowing how to go on and feeling like nothing matters anymore, not even you and like the future no longer matters. If that sounds familiar, then please know it doesn't last, but you do have to try to help yourself get through it.

I am a bit over two years on from losing my mum now and it has got better. In a way, you are luckier than me, as you have your family, so I am hoping that is helping you and perhaps they will now be your new foundation for your life. I am on my own, so have found that hard.

My advice is that you have to help yourself through an experience like this. That's a hit and miss kind of process and you just have to keep holding on and keep trying till you find something that helps. For me the first 18 months were the worst and the hurdles you describe do come and go, but it's the little things that got me - still do. What helped has been revisiting places we went to together. That helped bring back memories of better times and those made me smile, even if they also brought tears to my eyes to be there without mum; putting together an album of photos of her that I can look at when I am missing her and (this may or may not help you), but I also joined a class to explore an activity that my mum also used to enjoy, so that it felt like I was doing it in a way for both of us. I did find that helped alot. I found some very understanding and supportive new friends there and it got me out of the house and made me think about something else for a while and helped me see there is still something worth living for and I still go and it still helps me and I still look forward to it every week and I feel this has done me more good than anything else.

The other thing that helped was to write down how I was feeling daily in a journal for a long time. I do it less now, but I notice, that is what you have done a little of here and I hope that helped you, but I think writing does help. It helps you examine your thoughts and feelings and get them into some kind of order and make sense of them. You don't have to show what you write to anyone and you could write it as a letter to your nan, if that helped, but it does seem to help ease the pressure of your grief somehow and you can go back to it at a later date and see how far you have come when you compare it to how you may be feeling further down the line. The other thing I found helped was walking in the park and sitting on a bench to try to absorb and accept all that had happened. It was a calm and peaceful place to do that and having nature around me really helped - still does.

Lastly, you must know that your lovely nan, though she could never have been with you all your life, will never really be gone from you. She was clearly the most important and best person in your life and she helped shape the person you are now, so that has been her legacy to you, to make herself and your experience of knowing her, loving and being loved by her a part of who you are. I am sure you will find as you go forward into your future that she is in a way still with you. You will be able to hear her voice and advice in your head when you have any kind of dilemma. There will be things you will find that suddenly remind you of her and make you smile or laugh as you realise how she would have reacted to something. You will never stop loving her, nor her you, wherever she is now, so that gives you worth and a strong foundation stone for your future.

She isn't here now to help make that future brighter, so it's up to you now to do that for her. She clearly loved you very much and would want the best for you, so you owe it to her to do that for her now and make the most of your life for both of you. This s a terrible time and very slow and painful journey, but all those who have found their way here, will understand exactly what you are going through and I hope you find some support in knowing that.

Wishing you all the best and sending strength and an understanding hug. 

[Karena]

Sending a warm welcome too you. There isn't really a right and wrong way to grieve and yes there are the hurdles you mentioned but sadly a lot of people especially anyone who has not had such a big grief to cope with can imagine once they're jumped over that's it and it isn't really the case because our emotions keep throwing other hurdles in the path that we didn't see coming.Your Nan sounds like a really lovely person and as the foundation of your life its a massive loss - its a few months ago but that's not as long on this road as many imagine it is so first of all don't feel you are alone with this - I often  think because others who don't understand have an expectation of when we should be "over it" we start to think that we are somehow faulty -because we know we are not" over it".
Grief is something that becomes a part of you - you will always miss her but she will always be a part of you in other ways too - it wont always hurt as badly as it does now.
When my mum died i decided the best tribute i could make to her would be to be the kind of grandparent she was  and the generation difference with you doesn't matter. She was your mum in every way a mum can be, so talk about her with your daughter -maybe put a memory box together between you and in doing this you start to focus on things more positive than her passing away. Talk about the loving things she did - the funny things that happened, the person she was in life and the kind of life she had = pass on the family anecdotes from her youth so your focus changes to her whole life not just what happened at the end of it.
If you listen you will hear her because she is always in your heart - you know how she would have reacted to situations - what she would have advised you to do about something and when you listen too your heart you will find she still answers and guides you - you may also find yourself repeating her sayings then laughing at yourself - wait until the day you almost tell your teenager she should put a vest on - and you will find yourself crying too when a song or something that brings back a memory you had almost  forgotten swipes you sideways out of the blue.
 
She was the good in your life  and became your mainstay,  to keep that going, to be the kind of nurturing person she was, and not focus on the negatives of the other part of those early years of your life is the best credit you can pay her now. 

[Maz884]

  Sorry i havent been back sooner. I did read both your beautiful replies but couldnt face replying at the time. I never really saw it how you explained it! My Nan was definitely like a mother figure to me. I felt a bit better after i wrote my post on here and when i read the replies it made me feel supported and like someone understands at last! Im definatly going to take your advice and do the things that you have both suggested. Writing ot down certainly helps. Im going to plan some adventures in the summer holdais with the kids and we can go to the places my Nan used to take me. I have some of her ashes at my house so i know shes always with me. Im not aure what else to write at the mo so i will pop back when i feel i can write more. Thank you so much to you both for making me feel that little bit normal again

[Karena]

Come back any time we will always be here - i used to use this forum to write a diary - in letter form as if i was writing too him and that helped as well also poems - i think even more so because with them you have to structure your words even more - structuring your words structures your thoughts at the same time.