Newbie with recent loss of my wife

[Davel]

Hi lost my wife in January after 50 years of marriage. Don't know how I am going to cope now.

[Sandra61]

Sending you a welcome hug.  So sorry to hear about your loss. I hope you find some support from our members here. 

[longedge]

My sincere condolences to you Dave. It's not a place that any of us want to be in and I wish you strength.

[Karena]

 :hug:One day at a time one hour at a time just surviving the first few weeks or even months is an achievement in itself so don't pressure yourself to do more than that until you are ready to take the first step forward.
The one place i found peace and being alone but not quite as lonely was the garden - and that was because of nature so you don't need a garden to find it -life was a nightmare most of the time but i remember one defining moment i was  lost in my blinkered world of grief and suddenly became aware of the sun on my back and a robin singing, and singing so loudly and so persistently  like it was refusing to allow me to ignore it but to lift my head and acknowledge its presence.

It was only a moment before the clouds of despair rolled back in but i collected that moment and clung on too it knowing that if it happened once it would happen again - it takes time probably for most of us more time than we imagined it could but it does happen again and each time for a little longer until you start to emerge back into the world  - not the same person, perhaps not the whole person you once were because a massive chunk of who that that person you used to be was her.

Even now 8 years from losing my husband i think maybe i am some-one who smiles but the smile doesn't always reach my eyes - who laughs but not always from the heart in the way i used too. Don t get me wrong that doesn't mean my life is still unhappy, it isn't, but thats also because i still think of him as being with me in so many ways in my heart and soul  he is still the guiding person in my life just in different ways, but life, and i, have changed.
     

[SarahB]

:hug:One day at a time one hour at a time just surviving the first few weeks or even months is an achievement in itself so don't pressure yourself to do more than that until you are ready to take the first step forward.
The one place i found peace and being alone but not quite as lonely was the garden - and that was because of nature so you don't need a garden to find it -life was a nightmare most of the time but i remember one defining moment i was  lost in my blinkered world of grief and suddenly became aware of the sun on my back and a robin singing, and singing so loudly and so persistently  like it was refusing to allow me to ignore it but to lift my head and acknowledge its presence.

It was only a moment before the clouds of despair rolled back in but i collected that moment and clung on too it knowing that if it happened once it would happen again - it takes time probably for most of us more time than we imagined it could but it does happen again and each time for a little longer until you start to emerge back into the world  - not the same person, perhaps not the whole person you once were because a massive chunk of who that that person you used to be was her.

Even now 8 years from losing my husband i think maybe i am some-one who smiles but the smile doesn't always reach my eyes - who laughs but not always from the heart in the way i used too. Don t get me wrong that doesn't mean my life is still unhappy, it isn't, but thats also because i still think of him as being with me in so many ways in my heart and soul  he is still the guiding person in my life just in different ways, but life, and i, have changed.
     

I love this. I've always been told robins are a sign that a loved one is near. It's an important name for me too as my mum's brother and my beloved uncle was called Robin.

[Davel]

Thank you all for your sympathetic comments. I was fine up to the funeral at the end of January. Probably still in numbness and shock, but find now that people soon forget and don't mention it anymore. I am in floods of tears at least a dozen times a day and cant go anywhere without being reminded of her.
Even in the supermarket when I pass where she would buy her favourite cake or when I open the wardrobe door with all her clothes hanging there. The worst is coming back home after going out and not having anybody to welcome me home. People keep telling me it will get better over time but at the moment that means to me that I will think of her less often and I cannot ever see that happening. I do try and get out as often as possible and pursue a couple of hobbies which I have kept up, but it only takes a small spark to set the tears flowing again.

[Emz2014]

If its reassuring atall I dont think we think about our loved ones any less, we just learn various ways to cope.  Later happier memories return/are easier to cope with.  Its a rollercoaster journey, which often feels so slow, but very gradually little signs you are coping will appear
Be gentle with yourself. On bad days just concentrate on an hour at a time 

[Widowed at 45]

Thank you all for your sympathetic comments. I was fine up to the funeral at the end of January. Probably still in numbness and shock, but find now that people soon forget and don't mention it anymore. I am in floods of tears at least a dozen times a day and cant go anywhere without being reminded of her.
Even in the supermarket when I pass where she would buy her favourite cake or when I open the wardrobe door with all her clothes hanging there. The worst is coming back home after going out and not having anybody to welcome me home. People keep telling me it will get better over time but at the moment that means to me that I will think of her less often and I cannot ever see that happening. I do try and get out as often as possible and pursue a couple of hobbies which I have kept up, but it only takes a small spark to set the tears flowing again.

That's exactly where I am right now. I lost my wife nearly 3 weeks ago, and I hate going to places for the first time since... Panic attacks, breaking down in the hair care isle when I automatically buy her shampoo. Makes me want  to leave town forever. My love and I started a new life here and have pounded every inch of our town for the best pat of a decade. I don't want to leave the house, dog walks destroy me. I'm repeatedly told it will get easier but like you that is an obscene concept. Why would I want to feel better about half my soul being ripped out?
Again, apparently this is "normal". Does that help? Not me. I have an argument constantly going on in my head. Intellect:"It's OK, it's a natural, expected reaction" Emotional self: I DON'T CARE! I'M FEELING IT ANYWAY! ARRGGHH!!"
Laura used to call this "Cognitive Dissonance". She was a Psychologist and Teacher. Weirdly I can also see both aspects objectively and analyse that too. Wow. I really did learn a lot from her. But for all that it changes nothing.
Yet another stream of conscienceless, sorry. I have no filter atm either.
Thanks for reading my drivel.

[Karena]

 I remember that feeling so well you don't want to be somewhere else but you don't want to be home alone either because even when you know it isnt going to happen you still have this hope they will walk into where you are or you will open the door and they will be in the kitchen putting the kettle on  and every time it doesn't happen despite yourself you are disappointed and then crying ll over again. I cant count the number of times i made two coffees or lifted my head at a sound in the garden expecting him to come round the corner with a cup of tea in his hand and was crushed all over again.Occasionally i still do it with the two coffeees but now i just kind of look at the ceiling and say out loud here,s your coffees - but with much more of a smile - knowing that he would be laughing at my bumbling brain.

As time goes on you want to be rid of the pain, but at the same time feeling like that feels not only impossible but also disloyal.

 Traditional counseling focuses on "curing you" by breaking the bond you had with a loved one - but you don't want to be cured because the person you lost was half your soul -you feel are no-one without them. and  being "cured means having to let go if you start to move forward  - the first time you laugh -you think how can i laugh -the first time you go anywhere its how can i come here without her - and then back you go into the bottom of the pit you are trying to climb out of and that goes on for some time - you climb a bit higher and you have longer periods before you fall -but when you fall, over time you don't fall quite as far as last time because along the way you develop some safety rails to grab - coming here is one -others can be mental distraction, physical exertion whatever it is its about finding a safe space to hide in for a while and you find the ones that work for you and hammer them in place.
For me one of the strongest was being here but the other was coming across a different theory to the traditional ones - because i couldn't get away from the idea that doing anything which could be considered "moving forward" - would be a betrayal - because it meant moving away from him - it meant letting go -  i didn't want to let go then.I still don't now but now i know i don't have to to move forward.
 
This  theory is called continuing bonds (Klass, Silverman, and Nickman 1996) and  its probably a bit too soon for you both right now - but when you are ready look it up - it takes a different view from the earlier ideas of breaking that bond and "letting go" and for me was like the feeling of of a big load that was lifted off me  because over time - when everyone around you thinks you should have "moved on" you start to question your own sanity -"I haven,t moved on therefore i am not normal and there is something wrong with me as a person"   (maybe your wife talked about the OK Coral which is how we view our self in the context of society - you,re ok so i,m not ok in this case ) 

Klass and co  talk about how the bonds between us,  can shift from a physical presence to a new direction  the bond moves but never breaks, so you never have to break it or let go or cut it - or be "cured" - we cant be "cured" of a soulmate and whats more we don't want to be.
This theory says it is OK to do this - which means you as a person are OK not insane not somehow lesser than those who tell you you should have moved on.

That half of your soul hasn't been ripped out it is is still in you,but in a different way  - I am not talking about a particularly religious or belief based thing here - but in some ways it is akin to a pagan belief that we are tied to other souls or spirits with ribbons and the direction of them changes but you can call on each one to be your strength at different times.)

Whatever your beliefs -religion, spiritual, science based or a mix,  will influence how your thinking and how you go about finding a way to recognize that the half of your soul that was them is there still within you -  and then you can start to move forward not leaving them behind but taking them with you.
You will still miss that physical presence but missing that becomes less overwhelming as you find the direction that bond has shifted too.

[Widowed at 45]

 Hi Karena,
Wow... Thank you so much for that. You made me laugh for the first time since Laura fell ill. Yes we discussed the "OK coral" several times. Not remembered those conversations for a long time...:)
Also strange you mention Pagan beliefs. When Laura and I got together we were both practicing Pagans and our whole vibe was that we had found each other AGAIN, being soulmates. I could elaborate for hours on that one. I think I remember her talking about the continuing bonds theory too. I think I prefer this method from first glance. Like you said, "why would I want to break these bonds?" I am booked into my first group session with the local cruse charity on the 4th April. They said I would not be receptive right now. They also said they would not work alongside anyone else as the methods wont work together. I'm guessing the conflict between theories may play a part in it.
I will take her with me forever and find her again in the next life. "For we are one" x

[Karena]

Glad i made you laugh - funny how i remembered the OK corale i was 17 doing a pre-nursing course when i learned about that - didnt think at the time i would end up using it on myself but when your,e 17 you don't imagine how things will turn out.

After my husband died i spent a lot of time looking at different belief systems i guess searching for something to hold on too -we were never practicing anythings. both brought up Christian loosely speaking, both shared a deep love of nature, and i think with hindsight we were both far more pagan than anything else perhaps without realizing it, but also a bit of other things mixed in - spirit animal guides - owls for both of us - he was into crystals i was into making herbal medicines - In more recent years i got a book on green "witchcraft"  and looking round realized i was doing a lot of it without thinking about it - not casting spells or holding rituals certainly not flying round on my broomstick - (although that would really impress the grand-kids)  but other aspects just daily things -that might have got me hung in less enlightened times.
And at the same time i looked at science - ecology in particular - but also quantum physics (its not as complex as it sounds when Brian Cox explains it) - i even did a course on consciousness - Capetown,s top neurologist cannot fully explain away our consciousness as something purely down to the physical system functions of our brains - so nothing in the sciences can confirm for me anyway that there isnt something else - some connection -We know that that energy is never lost it can take a different form and travel but it doesn't vanish. which then frees us to consider many other possibilities.My take on it all is that it would be foolish to rule out the basics of any belief system people have, because in a lot of ways when you get too their root before they were used by powerful people to control large numbers of people - they have a lot in common.

Here,s another one for you collective unconsciousness. Carl Jung,  the archetypes that occur throughout -  the occurrence of symbols over cultures that could not have met or  communicated  the importance of ancestors in some ancient belief systems, the ideas of re-birth - then Jung's theory which was mocked  at the time, yet now the study of genetics indicating his theory is scientifically plausible. None of that proves an afterlife,but it proves the questions are not yet answered.

If i am wrong i will never know it - and if i am wrong it doesn't matter, because my husband is still influencing me i still talk to him i still see him laughing when i do something daft  i still think about what he would have said -advised when things go wrong, and in deciding if i couldn't find a way to life some kind of life for myself i would live it for him. After imagining a conversation in some kind of after life when he asked what i had done and was disappointed to find i just threw away my life after he fought so hard for his - i started going back to places we loved, doing things we should have done together but didn't get time and things he would have loved to do - and i would have sat on the sidelines for. (and will now never attempt again in a couple of cases) 
But now i don't think that conversation if it ever happened will be one sided  - because the more i do the more i feel as though he is with me.


Panic attacks will fade in time or you will find ways to cope with them or stop them accumulating into such major meltdowns when you feel one coming - i have social anxiety anyway it wasn't so major when i could stand in his shadow - now it is, but again there are props some dragons to slay, but  you learn to see others you can just walk round. I can get on a plane and fly to Africa on my own -as long as i am super prepared to get through the airports - get there (ridiculously) early, precise packing (several times over) to get through security - studying airport layouts so i know where everything is in advance all helps.
I can take a camera somewhere and set myself a silly photo collection (not advisable in an airport though)  but as witnessed by a collection of building gable ends in Manchester and a collection of shiny radiator grills from Cartmel show  i can become so occupied with that, the crowds fade away the panic subsides  - in my head it  legitimizes me being some where  - and we both know everyone isnt looking at me or wondering why i,m there,  but it feels like that and thats when panic starts.
I cant walk into a cafe in a UK high street and order a drink on my own  - but the point is i don't need too, so it isnt something i need to worry about doing so no need to have a strategy unless i do.
If the supermarket triggers panic attacks - is there another supermarket -or could you shop online - and on the other hand does needing to go there give you the only incentive to leave the house -because although being in your lair is he most natural thing to want to do at this time - the next step is leaving it occasionally and building that up slowly -  so you can chose to find a strategy to deal with the supermarket or find an alternative to start that process   -so  before you decide shop online find something else to do to get you out  - just a walk round the block - or take yourself out of town -a park or a woodland somewhere you can just sit and breathe for a while. Its an instinctive thing as well to want to escape from where you are - get away from where you live because it s too familiar - that's something else i would advise to give it time -you cant escape grief - and jumping into the unfamiliar can result in later regrets - i think you have to run too somewhere rather than try and run away from somewhere and you need to be thinking more clearly before you consider adding the stress that goes with it.     

All this started for me with a simple task - to plant some native daffodil bulbs in a favorite place by the river as a lasting memorial. It happened that his birthday is in October and he died in February - so on his birthday me and a friend went and planted them and in February i went back to see if they had come up - that took care of that first painful anniversary gave me somewhere to go to grieve - the same way for other people that can be a headstone, everyone is different - and sitting there looking at them coming up seeing other plants coming up watching the river flowing on and hearing a curlew in the distance  i remembered that nature is the best healer, and we spend so much of our lives not seeing it, looking elsewhere being so busy we forget to look for it - you already know this as well , so why not make that a starting point - getting back in touch with that.