:hug:I still talk to my husband and i still tell him everything - not always aloud but certainly in my head, i also ask him for answers - what would he do, how would he fix this what would he say in something which is a present issue.
At first i would automaticalyl make two mugs of coffee then stand there crying looking at the second one, even now that can happen occasionally, -but i dont cry over it now, just laugh at myself as i know he would laugh at me, and tell him i must be getting senile and move on from it.That switch to being able to do that is a gradual process though.And the thing is i could never guarantee something wont make me cry because of the unexpectedness of some triggers.
I also switched from watching anything we used to watch on TV together for a while.
One thing that really got to me was a stroke warning advert - it kept repeating over and over and every time it did i blamed myself for not knowing what was going on.
In reality he didnt have single one of those signs they mentioned, he had a migraine, he often got them but there was nothing to indicate this one was different .
The logical brain knows that is what happened, but at the time those adverts really messed with my mind i had nightmares about me watching but ignoring flames coming from his face. i stopped watching anything but BBC for almost 2 years just because of those adverts.
And then there was music - we had Adelle can you feel my love at the funeral - it wasnt in the charts it wasnt that likely to get played on the radio i was going to carefully store that CD with any others that might make me cry out of the way so i wouldnt play it so it was safe - but at the time there was another Adele song in the charts - a more jolly one, no impilcations in the Lyrics - and now i can listen to can you feel my love - but the other one does appear on the radio and has me switching off or leaving the room.
It isnt always negative though - We used to be in a camping club and every year had a mad themed pre xmas party with karaoke,at one of the sites - so i tried to keep going to the meets, and the following xmas the theme was musicals - we loved musicals so this wasnt going to be easy i thought, so best to chose one we didnt go and see - so i made myself a costume like rafiki from the lion king - funny you would think a monkey singing what could go wrong - but the circle of life was the only song i could actually sing properly even down to the Swahili at the beginning - so i chose that, i practiced it plenty of times - there wasnt a problem until half way through on the night when i suddenly was aware of standing doing it on my own where in previous years he was next to me , and of the words i was actually singing - and then i struggled to carry on through tears.
But a little girl of about ten stood up came over and started singing it with me - and then a couple of friends realised i was struggling and did the same and others joined in who were from the venue not people we knew, and who didnt really know the back story at all - and now that song always reminds me of that support i got from those people, - the kindness of strangers as well as friends - and in particular the perception and bravery of that little girl to kick start it. ( i also still blub but more because of the moment than the reasons i started crying at the time)
IT is a horrible journey and has moments of complete despair but also moments when you realise you can keep battling on - even though things will never be the same or what you planned and hoped for,and grief isnt something we lose but learn to live with and accept is part of us.
There ar triggers we predict - anniversarys, certain songs etc, but also odd moments completly out of the blue when we become emotional but most importantlyto realise that it is ok to be the person we have become and it is ok to have those moments, whenever and however much later they happen.