Author Topic: Am I doing this grief thing right?  (Read 3284 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Offline SarahB

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 58
  • Karma: +3/-0
Am I doing this grief thing right?
« on: February 04, 2020, 05:23:28 PM »
Hi, I lost my Mum on 7 December and can't understand my own emotions at the minute. I'm 'ok' one minute and like a complete trainwreck in a dark tunnel the next. Days like today I feel physically and mentally unable to carry on without her. Having lost both parents, I feel like some sort of weird unique case - if one more person calls me an orphan (I'm 44) or says 'oh she was young' (Mum was 69) I think I will lose it completely.

I feel physically sick - my stomach is so tight from worrying if I'm supposed to be handling this differently than I am, or if I am supposed to be feeling differently 8 weeks down the line - like why am I still crying? I loved my Mum more than anyone - we were very close and I didn't expect to lose her at this time. She contracted pneumonia and her lungs were already compromised by COPD - so she couldn't fight it. She was also very tiny at a size 6.

I don't know anyone else of my age or in my circle who has lost both or even one parent and I feel very much singled out. Like did I do something wrong? I always tried to be a good daughter and person. Why do I have to lose both my parents when there are bad people who still have their entire families??

And where are my friends? They said they'd be there and I'm lucky if I hear from them now. I've tried to keep myself active but the one that said he was my best friend has told me lies and I've seen him 3 times since my Mum died (he lives 20 minutes down the road). And it's BIG lies, not tiny little ones.

I'm sorry if I'm ranting - I just can't stand this pain. :cry: :cry: :cry: :cry: :cry:
« Last Edit: February 04, 2020, 06:01:08 PM by SarahB »

Offline Emz2014

  • Administrator
  • VIP Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1904
  • Karma: +130/-0
Re: Am I doing this grief thing right?
« Reply #1 on: February 05, 2020, 08:09:18 AM »
There is no right or wrong way - grief is a rollercoaster, many twists and turns in the emotions, as soon as you feel you're getting the hang of it it's often when something else hits us
It is also surprisingly common when friends drift back to their own lives, often after the funeral. I think thats often where people haven't experienced loss themselves and don't quite understand how long grief takes
Be gentle with yourself  :hearts:
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx

Offline Karena

  • Administrator
  • VIP Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2132
  • Karma: +145/-0
Re: Am I doing this grief thing right?
« Reply #2 on: February 05, 2020, 11:28:17 AM »
 :hearts:As Emz said ther is no right or wrong way - greif is an emotional rollercoaster of a journey and as humans and in this modern age where everything is suposed to fit into an order and a pattern and filed so we can take things out look at them put them back and close the cabinet door its really hard when we cant do that with our emotions and yet others who have not experienced it dont understand why we cant do that because they havnt experienced it - and even those who have cant because everyone is different we have unique relationships with the person who we lost  and so we experience grief in different ways - even between siblings they shared a parent they shared the same experiences growing up yet the grief is different.
There are patterns some patterns that are recognised - and most of us here have been through them  - there are the five stages -shock, guilt,depression,anger and acceptance and we recognise them but we all experience even then a different thing = not every one goes through the stages in the same order or all of them at all, and certainly not in a step by step time phrased way that it sugests.  and then acceptance the word makes it sound like thats it -like we accept their gone and dont give it another thought - i cant buy into that, i could never accept acceptance if thats what it meant  because it just isnt true - and then we start thinking there must be something wrong with us if we dont follow it -we will never be normal this will go on forever because of a fault in us as people.So to me acceptance is simply acceptance that grief is always going to be part of our life and we learn to live with it and around it - just as if we damage an ankle and have a limp - it reminds us constantly and on rainy days it hurst and others just aches - but doesnt stop us walking - the only thing is with grief others cant see the limp so we get no concessions, no sympathy and they dont slow down so we can keep up.

There is another theory which i find more helpful - called continuing bonds - if you think of a bond as a big bungee rope - when some-one dies it doesnt snap it just takes a new direction - and that direction can of course be decided by a cultural factor you have been brought up with -  a religion that has a heaven or higher plane of existance   -  or a set belief in afterlife as a free spirit who remains around us  - or it can simply be how we remember that person and can still look too them along that bungee rope and through that knowledge in our hearts and in our minds -but we never have to let go -  and grief is that transition, the bungee rope moving into a different place.
So where traditional grief therapy was aimed at making us let go and "curing" us which of course never happend we just said we felt cured because we couldnt continue to pay the therapy bill or we ended up feeling sorry for the therapist because they seemed a nice person and we didnt want to make them feel bad it wasnt working -  we dont have a cure and actually we dont want to be cured,because the one we lost is a part of us and who we are -  we dont want to amputate that leg because of the dodgy ankle  we just need to adjust too that change and sometimes we need help and support to do that,and to finding our way to seeing that it is possible - and that takes time and it is a lonely journey because even when other people do hang around - you can be in a room full of friends and still feel lonely and when they dont call round you feel abandoned - and most do mean well they just dont know how to help - if we say we dont want to go somewhere does that mean we want to be alone - if we say we do does that mean we are ok now its difficult for them to judge -and in turn we dont hep them on that either becasue we say we are fine when we are not -  do we want to talk about it - or not -  that changes daily as out emotions do -   but how can they anticipate that change has happened unless we are honest with them and sometimes we dont want to be because we are afraid we will cry or because we dont want to be a burden or we dont want to saddle them with our problems when xyz has happened too them.

Imagine if you gave some-one a present and they rejected it - and in a way we do that - the present is the offer to help, the rejection is when we dont take it up for all the reasons above but dont explain those reasons.


Offline SarahB

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 58
  • Karma: +3/-0
Re: Am I doing this grief thing right?
« Reply #3 on: February 06, 2020, 04:59:50 PM »
Thank you both for the replies.  I am struggling at the moment.

When I mentioned the friend who lies - I did depend on him as my best friend, but he let me down. He's gay and although he put himself out there as being my best friend, his actions have dictated otherwise. We went on holiday in September and I found out a few days after we got back that he had flown to Las Vegas. He didn't tell me a word about it. He is always focussing himself on meeting new people, never staying in one place, never content with the friends he has. I was so hurt, he even went to the trouble of blocking me from instagram so I didn't find out. I wish now I had played it differently and told him to get bent, but I always assume I'm the one with the problem.

I am sensitive and I have had an untold amount of crap happen to me. I was diagnosed with PTSD and on top of that have the worry that I have tendencies of borderline personality. This 'friend' told me that my sensitivities are too 'difficult to manage' and that he wouldn't apologise for lying about Vegas.  He has crushed my spirit because I trusted him SO much.

When Mum died, he of course was one of the first there, a gesture myself and another friend now sadly believe may have been for show. Despite claiming he'd always be there, I've seen him 3 or 4 times since December.

But because of the things he said to me, and the lies, I'm very reluctant to reach out to anyone at all. The only thing I can find solace in is that his closest male friend told him that he 'only contacted him when he had nothing better to do and that 'we never see you'. He's always out with the latest person, or the latest guy. He went to Thailand for 3 weeks in the aftermath of my Mum's passing and didn't send me ONE message the entire time.

So now I'm worried I'm a nuisance and a pain - what if my other friends feel this way? I feel so lost without Mum and so lonely that I'm really struggling to see a point in going on.

If anyone can answer me about my friend's actions, I'd appreciate it because I'm even beating myself up for my GRIEF because of some of the things he has said.

Offline Karena

  • Administrator
  • VIP Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2132
  • Karma: +145/-0
Re: Am I doing this grief thing right?
« Reply #4 on: February 07, 2020, 12:01:39 PM »
 :hug: - you know what i know some-one just like him - he hasnt let me down because he is more an aquantance than a friend but very prolific on fb - exactly the same  meets anew chap off he goes - not quite so far but one day he is in a terrible state over losing his mum or the last boyfirend or one of his chickens or cats or he is terribly ill (with a cold) the next he is clubbing in canal street. the last post i saw he was complaining he had ordered two boxes of 50 face masks (cornona precaution - he lives in Yorkshire not china) - but there was a delay on the order and how this was corporates taking advantage of an emergency situation  :whistle:he is an out and out drama queen.The thing is though we have to accept people as they are none of us are perfect  - and maybe your friend is, as you say an attention seeker - look at me arnt i a good friend sort of thing.
BUT
On the other hand  not telling you something isnt the same as lying and not telling you he was going to vegas may have been a misguided but genuine attempt to be a friend - perhaps he just thought he would be rubbing your nose in it if he was living it up in Vegas while you are so down - so if he didnt tell you and blocking you meant you couldnt see what he was up too and where he was on instagram,  that it would spare your feelings.
We have a mix of different people and personalities in our lives. Your other friends are different people and so they wont react the same way.

But  you are not a burden, you feel that way because as you say yourself you are over sensative at the moment and we all do that too a degree - we dont talk about our feelings because we dont want to burden people and when they say "give me a ring if you need anything" we dont - for the same reason.
So try and turn that on its head - if it was one of your freinds this happened too wouldnt you want to help them - would you think they are a burden and if not why do you feel they would feel you are a burden to them.
 
An offer of friendship is like a gift - it might be something practical, it might be something they know you like or something just to say hello i,m thinking of you even though i dont understand what you need right right now . - and if you give some-one a gift and they dont accept it or dont bother to unwrap it you are going to feel hurt by that.You might feel its because they dont like you, or your gift is inadequate therefor your friendship is -and that can be how we leave our friends feeling - so while we are thinking we are a burden and dont accept them, they are thinking we dont like them or we dont like what they are trying to give us

You need to start loving yourself -  easier said than done and its a constant battle for me too - but i am getting better at it and at saying its fine - if they dont want to hang around with me maybe they will tomorow -but i am just going to go and do something else that i want to do,  and also its fine if they go somewhere without me - because it isnt some-where i really want to go tonight.
Rather than my old way of thinking they dont like me they just feel sorry for me - i am a burden i spoil things for them etc etc - i accept we will have different interests different places to go - but in doing so i have to have the confidence to actually do something for myself without them - not sit at home worrying i havnt been invited they dont want me to go etc etc - and if you dont love yourself thats exactly what you are going to do.
It might be stay in because i want to watch this film or do some coursework online, or go for a walk because i want some fresh air it doesnt have to be something massive but it does need to be real.

Focus on your good points -and you have them in abundance you just cant see them -  if you didnt have any, your friends wouldnt hang around at all they would not have become friends in the first place - and those qualitys will attract new friends and new people - just smile and say good morning to some-one you pass in the street regually and you will find they respond to you and the next time they return that and  that becomes the prelude to a conversation the next time you pass- and maybe thats all it will ever become but that doesnt matter - you dont have to join something of make a big gesture at this stage,but doing those little things will make you feel more confident to do more later on.
And with your friends yes right now you are not yourself, but look at them as well - take mr confident in vegas - is he actually confident is he happy with himself, or is he constantly trying to fit into a stereotype  because he actually has no confidence in his own personality himself, so to do that he whizzes off and gives off this idea of having a great time camping it up in order to hide - its just the same as you hiding at home -except he hides behind a mask of being on a scene and he neglects his real friends to do that  - but he also comes back to you because he feels safe with you.

Offline SarahB

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 58
  • Karma: +3/-0
Re: Am I doing this grief thing right?
« Reply #5 on: February 07, 2020, 12:48:45 PM »
I can't forgive him Karena. He did this to me before my Mum died and also performed a complete character assassination on me. I don't accept lies and that about Vegas was a HUGE one. I'm really angry and sick to death of my other friends acting like everything between me and him is normal when all I want to do is SHOUT HE'S A LIAR!!!!!  My trust in him is completely gone - am I wrong about that???

I'm sick of him getting away with being Mr Vegas and moving from one friend to the next, not bothering with me when HE SAID HE WOULD BE THERE AND MY MUM HAS JUST DIED!!!! (I'm not shouting at you Karena I'm trying to express how I feel!) He's really made me go inward on myself at a time when I really need to reach out to my friends. I'm worried they all think I'm too sensitive and that I shouldn't be grieving to the extent I am - I loved my Mum more than anyone and I miss her on a daily basis. To not even text from Thailand when she'd only passed away 2 weeks earlier makes me wonder if he is a friend at all, or just a good time guy??

My Mum is the bigger issue here, the only issue, but the fact that he has shown himself to not be a friend and I'm expected to reach out to HIM after what he's done, is leaving me even more confused and upset because I haven't done anything wrong. I'm the one who lost someone dear, but I'm supposed to reach out and stay in contact with a LIAR?  I don't know - he seems very confident but he is also REALLY reluctant to ever apologise and all he ever says is 'I know I'm right'.

Please forgive me for my hurt and confusion - I just don't know what to do!!!  I'm so sorry if I am not expressing myself properly. My heart is just so sore! :cry: :cry: :cry: :cry:
« Last Edit: February 07, 2020, 12:51:25 PM by SarahB »

Offline SarahB

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 58
  • Karma: +3/-0
Re: Am I doing this grief thing right?
« Reply #6 on: February 10, 2020, 09:44:18 AM »
God I feel stupid now. I have no idea what made me talk about my friend (above) when I should be focussing on myself and my Mum.

Have no idea what is happening to me. I'm scared and it feels like this pain will never stop.

Offline Sandra61

  • Administrator
  • VIP Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 579
  • Karma: +62/-0
Re: Am I doing this grief thing right?
« Reply #7 on: February 10, 2020, 11:48:54 AM »
It does get better Sarah, but it takes a very long time for that to happen. I think I cried every day for about six months after my mum passed away, probably longer,but had to try to stop as I was crying so much, it actually caused me an eye problem. Who would have thought crying could damage your eyes? Well, I may have had to make an effort to stop crying physically, but kept on crying inside. I don't think I began to feel any better for about a year and a half. It is two years and three months now since I lost my mum and I can honestly say that now, there are more good days than bad ones, but it is still early days for you and grief has no time limits, so it may be a longer or shorter time before you may find yourself in the same position.

It is still early days yet though, so I am not surprised you are still in so much pain and still crying at this point. Eight weeks is no time at all. Your mum was a huge part of your life and has been there all your life. You can't get over a loss like that in a couple of months, so don't expect yourself to. It will take a long time, a lot of tears, a lot of thought and a lot of self help and patience and self nurturing to help. Don't waste time and effort expecting friends to help. They are not the ones who has suffered the loss. They may never have suffered a loss and so will not be able to understand how you feel or what you are going through, and those who say they do, may mean it or may not, but the fact is that they have their own lives and will be busy with that and will not have a lot of time to spare for you. That has been my experience anyway. No one will help you like yourself, so I found I had to be self-reliant in getting through my worst times. Even family are not necessarily there for you and will be dealing with their own grief anyway, so will be struggling themselves.

In my experience, you just have to try to find things that help you. For me, that was having flowers around the house, as they somehow raised my spirits a little; walking in the park, where I could sit, somewhere peaceful and calm to try to come to terms with all that had happened and learn to accept it; trying to remember to eat and drink enough and later on, finding a way to rebuild my life and find things that gave me an interest in life again to help me move forward.

You are never free of grief, because it springs from love and your love for the person never dies, so your grief stays with you too, but acceptance comes and so you find a way to live with that grief and it slides into the background, never out of sight, but like part of the backdrop to the main figures in a painting. It is there, but slowly is ceases to be the main focus and you will turn to look at it from time to time or it may move out of the shadows and force you to focus on it sometimes, but in the main, you learn to live in the sunlight again, knowing it is there behind you, and always will be, but able to walk forwards and use it to help you make the best of your life, just as your mum would have wanted you to do.

Wishing you well, Sarah.You are in a dark place now, but look for ways to move one step forwards whenever you can and look for things to lean on to help you do that and slowly you will move into a brighter place.  :hearts:

Offline SarahB

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 58
  • Karma: +3/-0
Re: Am I doing this grief thing right?
« Reply #8 on: February 10, 2020, 12:02:01 PM »
Thank you so much Sandra.

I guess I just feel very very let down by the person above who I thought was my best friend, he has proven himself to be extraordinarily self centred - don't say you're there for me, then disappear. Because I don't have the energy to run after you!  And I'm scared that will be my fault too. BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE THE ENERGY TO INVEST IN PEOPLE WHO SEEM TO HAVE FORGOTTEN IT HAPPENED.

I think I'm doing all the wrong things. Eating the wrong foods. Drinking too much wine. I really would like to stop drinking as I think it's making my anxiety worse.

To hear that there is a chance of happiness does help - I just can't see it. Maybe I don't want to.

I'm so tired of people telling me that 'aw she was only 69' - I feel robbed and angry. How come some people get to live to 103? Where is the fairness?

Please tell me - 69 is an OK age isn't it? I mean I know it isn't ancient but she would have been 70 this year and I know my Mum would never have wanted to go to a home or get Alzheimers or lose her faculties in any way.  She had a good life for the most part and died peacefully.

Is it easy at any age? I feel like I want to run away, take a break and go somewhere nice (she said she wanted me to do that).

Also is it normal (sorry this WILL sound bad but again the insensitive friend said it) - that most people don't come into a LOT of money when someone dies? I've been fortunate enough to be left Mum's house (along with my brother) - she worked hard and provided for us but I don't know why my friend would assume that I was left thousands?? It hurt me that he said that.

I just loved her so much and I really am so lost that I'm scared my heart is never ever going to recover from it. Like what if I die too of a broken heart? What if my heart just can't take it???

I don't understand why this hasn't happened to any of my friends. I've lost both my Mum and Dad now. They have lost no one, including grandparents.

Offline Karena

  • Administrator
  • VIP Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2132
  • Karma: +145/-0
Re: Am I doing this grief thing right?
« Reply #9 on: February 10, 2020, 01:37:21 PM »
 :hug: :hug: :hug: My mum died at 69. I have lost people at 15,16.30.47.60 68, 69 84 and 96 - it make no difference it still feels unfair you still feel angry and grief stricken -no matter a persons age because their age doesnt affect how you felt about them.
 
Anger is a part of grief and absolutely you have every right to be angry - sometimes we direct that at the person who died and left us - even when we know it wasnt a choice they made - sometimes we direct it ourselves even though it wasnt our fault - and sometimes we direct it at others who have let us down and neither they nor us know why -but I think maybe you need to back away from this friend for a while at least he does sound a bit selfish - either that or he just doesnt get how to cope with your grief so runs away from you - and his comment about inheritance - its absolutely no-one business but yours and your brothers - but if he really imagines a house can make up for the loss of a mother he is going to get a shock one day or he is fundamentally flawed in is relationship with his own parents -   come to that if he imagines that it makes life easier when you are having to deal with the maintaianance and everything else houses entail,  as well as your grief.
Friendships do change as we go through life - when we change school or leave school or change jobs or move away or make any changes in our lives and grief changes us - we didnt invite that change but it does. I think a lifetime friendship is pretty rare. 

It doesnt mean you have to fall out with him or any of your other friends but as your life takes a different direction and you meet new people who maybe do share your experiences or just the same interests you will find they fade slowly as you evole to new things - in a way you have grown up because of this and they havent - and you are looking back through them to what was perhaps a more carefree time and they are still living that time.

You need to look after yourself first though - i stopped bothering to cook for a long time - microwave meal for one - which was pretty repative because i am a veggie and the only local option seemed to be caulifower cheese or - cauliflour cheese - so then i would not even bother with that and move straight to the sweet stuff - biscuits sweets etc.
When i found myself eating beans out of the tin i realised i had to do something  - My daugher gave me a cookery book written by the chef at a budhist retreat and written in such a way it appealed even though i wasnt short on cookery books - potatoe and kale soup described as a summer meadow is very different pyschologically - also unbelievably preparing fresh veg  - peeling spuds as a mindfulness activity was far more sucessful than adult colouring books or meditation for me - because i cant empty my mind or do something that doesnt have a purpose or to create something useful  - thats just my personality - i,m the same with games and puzzzles - but peeling potatoes is task not a hobby so it worked for me.

I didnt hit the alcahol because i knew if i started i would just keep on going - i set myself a target and didnt touch it for 2 years, and rarely do now - ony now its because i dont want too not because i think i wont stop.
Could you water it down - maybe with soda or lemonade. I am a smoker - so i am not lecturing at all but the evil thing with alcahol is we drink it to feel better and for a while we do, until it wears off then we drink more to feel better again - but physically it acts as a depressent affecting brain chemicals and actually making us more depressed - thats the last thing we need when grief is already creating it as well.

 I did hit the cigarettes though, but travelling to south africa cut that back down again - you cant smoke on a plane or on a grass veld or in a nature reserve but i found i didnt want too so much because the nature itself took my mind away from it - not every one can have a trip like that - but where - ever you are in the world nature  is around us even in the cities - and it helps a lot with grief -from seeing how life does go in cycles and the dead  leaf off an old tree continues to nourish the tree - to seeing the first showdrop battle the elements and still stand up against all the odds  - to listening too a robin singing  or standing shouting your anger into the wind -add to that the physical benefits fresh air - sunshine -something we need a degree of for vitamin D,  and  natural light affects brain chemistry more positively as well as excercise.  I,m not talking about going to the gym or taking up running, unless you want too take up running -  but just a short ten minute walk can make you feel better than a glass or two or wine does and its longer lasting relief and better for you. :hug:

Offline Sandra61

  • Administrator
  • VIP Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 579
  • Karma: +62/-0
Re: Am I doing this grief thing right?
« Reply #10 on: February 10, 2020, 04:59:52 PM »
Sarah, it makes no difference what age someone is when you lose them. You still feel robbed. There is no fairness in life either. I lost my dad when I was 24. He was 75 and seemed very fit, but died after suffering a series of heart attacks over the space of a few months. I never knew my maternal granddad, who died at 52. My gran made it to 85, but had very bad health in old age and my mum made it to 96 despite having bad health all her life. In spite of that, she still made the most of her life and kept a very positive outlook and was determined to cling on for as long as she could. because she enjoyed her life. I also lost a school friend when she was only 16 to cancer and another to suicide in her early thirties, due to debilitating illness. Life is not fair. We just have to be grateful for however much time we had with the person we have lost, no matter how long or short a time that was. You say your mum had a good life and died peacefully and didn't get any of the nasty illnesses of old age, so that is a good thing. You had her for more that 40 years, so that's four decades of hopefully happy memories to treasure for the rest of your life. All we can do is be grateful for the time we did have with a lost loved one.

If there is one lesson that you learn after suffering a loss, it is who your friends are and who they are not. Stop wasting energy on this so-called 'friend' of yours. You have enough on your plate at the moment and don't need to waste your time worrying about him. He doesn't sound like he is worth your upset to me.

You don't need anyone's approval to feel however you do or to grieve however you want to grieve. There is no right or wrong way to grieve and no time-frame for how long that takes. In my experience, grief is something that is never gone, but dulls to an ache and a sadness in time, but is always there and always will be. Loss is a time of crisis when your 'friends' either step up or show they are not friends. Some may not know how to help, so they stay away thinking it is better to let you have some space, but others just say how sorry they are, then disappear back to their own lives and leave you to it. Unless they are helping you, best leave them behind and take care of yourself. If they really are friends, they will make the effort and invite you out for coffee or ring you for a chat, if not or they only criticize or say unkind things that make you feel worse, they're not your friend and not worth your time or energy.

My mum left me her house too. It's lovely that your mum thought you and your brother special enough to want to leave you her house. Again, in my experience, that can be a mixed blessing as it can involve you having to pay inheritance tax and fill in forms when you feel least able to cope with doing all that. Whatever items you inherit, that's a lovely gesture on your mum's part. It is not for others to denegrate and if your 'friend' has made a comment about it, then that speaks to me of jealousy and thoughtlessness. A house is still an object and although it has some monetary worth, if you had to choose between that and having your mum, I bet you'd choose your mum. At the end of day, we all go out of this world as we came into it, with nothing, and the thing we end up treasuring is the love we shared with those we have lost, not what objects they bequeathed to us.  They may hold some sentimental value, but we would rather have the person who left them to us every time.

If you are managing to eat anything, you are doing well. There were days after I lost my mum when I forgot to eat or drink and couldn't be bothered to get dressed or to wash and just sat in a chair all day till it was dark and then went back to bed having done nothing. Whatever you eat, be it a biscuit, or a bar of chocolate, is fine. If you can manage something more wholesome, so much the better, but if you can't, don't worry about it. If the wine isn't helping, then stop drinking it and have a cup of tea instead.  :coffeetoast: As Karena says, I find it tends to make the misery worse, not better, so if you can resist it, that's probably a good idea.

You only have one mum, so I think it's inevitable that her loss will leave you broken-hearted, but you can do things that will help. I found it helped to put together an album of pictures of my mum and to write down in a diary each day how I was feeling and what I was thinking about. Some people start a memory book and recount tales of things they experienced with the person they have lost or they create a memory box and fill it with items that hold some special significance to that person. You just have to keep trying things until you find out what helps you and lean on those things until you feel stronger and you will, Sarah. It will take a while, but you will.

I did find it helped to revisit places I had gone to with mum. The memory of the times we spent there together made me smile, even if they also caused me to shed a tear or two, so why not do what your mum wanted you to do once you feel stronger and take that trip to somewhere nice. You'll be doing it for her and it will be the beginning of a store of new things to be able to tell her about, once you do meet again.

Your mum, like any mum, would want the best for you and now it's up to you to make that happen. You will never be who you were before you lost her and your life is now a blank page for you to begin to write. Getting used to life after a loss is a painful business and you are getting used to being a new you too, because loss changes you and how you see everything, which is probably why you are so angry with your friend. He hasn't lived up to your expectations, but that is probably a good thing in the end; better to find that out now so you can make a clean break of it, than to keep relying on him when he is probably only going to keep on letting you down.

I joined a class some time after my mum died. I needed something to get me out of the house, if only for a couple of hours a week and to distract me from my grief and give me something to look forward to and help me engage with life again. It helped that it was an activity that mum had enjoyed too in her younger day and that was the best thing I could have done. I made some lovely new friends there who have helped me more than any of my existing friends did and I still go now and it still helps.

You will find a way forward from this, Sarah, but you will need to do that yourself. No one is going to do it for you, so try to find those things that help you and don't rely on that to be others. No one helps you like you help yourself. Look for those things that help you feel better, look after yourself and when you feel up to it, make a plan for the the things you would like to achieve in life and be able to say you have done, then work towards that. Your mum would want that for you. You will always have her in your heart, so she will never really be gone from you and will always be your strength as you move into your future.  :hearts:

Offline SarahB

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 58
  • Karma: +3/-0
Re: Am I doing this grief thing right?
« Reply #11 on: February 18, 2020, 04:23:48 PM »

Thank you both for being so kind and for the detailed replies. I don't have much energy today to post in full....all I can do today is cry and I don't even know what has triggered it....is that ok? Does it make sense?

I'm also really really struggling to find anyone of my age (44) who has lost both parents.

Offline Sandra61

  • Administrator
  • VIP Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 579
  • Karma: +62/-0
Re: Am I doing this grief thing right?
« Reply #12 on: February 19, 2020, 10:12:12 AM »
Of course it's fine Sarah. I don't think there has to be a trigger for you to find yourself in tears. For me it was usually just a build-up of emotion that I needed to vent or just utter sadness and missing my mum.

I doubt it would help you much to find someone else who has lost both parents by age 44, even if you could. I am sure there are plenty out there, but you're unlikely to find them anyway. Even if you did find someone, their experience of their relationship with their parents, the manner of the loss and the way they felt about it or survived it would likely be entirely different to your own story anyway, as we are all different and feel and act and deal with things differently to one another. I did have a friend some years ago who had another friend who had lost both parents separately by the age of 21 and was suddenly left with her parent's five bedroom house on her own. As I say, everyone has different experiences of life and fairness doesn't come into it at all.

You are the only you there is and it is likely your experience of your loss is different even to that of your brother. Everyone is unique and everyone will find different ways to get through a loss and what works for one will not necessarily work for another. Every life is different and in the end, although hearing about how others have coped can help. we all have to find our own way through it. You can't change what has happened and so you have to accept it. You probably do feel cheated, but you still can't change it, so best stop trying to find comparables and just deal with what has happened to you in whatever ways help you best.

We are here for as long as you need us.  :hearts: :hug:

Offline SarahB

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 58
  • Karma: +3/-0
Re: Am I doing this grief thing right?
« Reply #13 on: February 19, 2020, 05:00:56 PM »
Someone just did it again and said that I am too young to have lost both.

I really am (and I'm sorry) feeling like this hasn't, will not, and will never happen to anyone else. That I've been chosen for some sort of special purpose as if God took both my parents as some sort of punishment.

I know I sound realllllllllllly stupid - but I just don't get it. I lost my Mum 2 months ago and still the world is continuing, none of my friends parents have died and I don't know anyone else who this has happened to. It's like I'm on a search to prove something. :cray: :cray: :cray: :cray: :cray:

Offline Karena

  • Administrator
  • VIP Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2132
  • Karma: +145/-0
Re: Am I doing this grief thing right?
« Reply #14 on: February 20, 2020, 01:01:32 PM »
You are obsessing about this precisely because you are on a mission to find something to fixate on -its not stupid its a natural reaction - When you have so many emotions to deal with fixing you thoughts on one means the rest don't seem to be spinning around so fast - if you imagine they're a kids roundabout with all sorts of different things on - cars buses teacups animals  and you are watching it then you just see a spinning blur there is nothing to grab hold of to slow it down - but if the familiar - the person you are with is on a horse so you watch for the horse  the rest fade away.
The familiar is your circle of friends you are not looking at the wider picture or the other emotions. I was 24 when my dad died, 43 when my mum died and at 49 had been widowed twice  - no one i know has lost anyone at the ages i have but that doesn't mean no-one has.

And people say what they do out of misguided sympathy, as if somehow if you were older or your mum was older it would be better  - it isn't better - if you mum was older they would be saying "she had a good innings" that doesn't make it better either -my gran died at 95 believe me it doesn't make it better that she had a "good innings" it doesn't take away the pain at all.

What you need to do is focus on something else, change things on the roundabout  -think of the most positive thing about your mum the thing you loved most about her something that makes you smile and  turn that into your horse - put your age in the teacup and every time your mind looks at the tea cup or one of the other things on there go back to focusing  the horse.  :hug: