Author Topic: My Brother 💔  (Read 39 times)

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Offline estherelyse

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My Brother 💔
« on: August 31, 2021, 09:14:23 AM »
I've been up all night,it's US time now 3:42 am, thinking about my brother my only sibling . The loss is profound. I am devastated still. Though it's been 7 years, I am preoccupied by his death, I hate to even write that word,it's so final. My father's death was 11 years ago. I miss my father so very much. He was a good father. But the loss of a sibling and an only sibling is  a different kind of loss. I'm not undermining my father, because parents normally pre-decease their children. And so I thought me and my brother would be together, I'd never thought in a million years that my brother would not be here with me. I will be alone and it is frightening to say, to think, it's on my mind all the time. I miss my brother beyond words can say.

Offline Sandra61

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Re: My Brother 💔
« Reply #1 on: September 06, 2021, 10:52:13 AM »
Hello Esterelyse, so very sorry for the loss of your brother. It is very scary to find yourself alone and very saddening to have to live with the loss of your parents and sibling. All you can do it take it one day at a time and try to build a new life for yourself in your new normal. Gradually find things that help. At first that may be simple things like taking walks or making proper meals for yourself, but slowly try to focus on the future and things you could do that would help you and bring you some joy. It helped me to remember that those I have loved and lost would want me to be happy and to make the best of the rest of my life, so that is what I try to do, for them as much as for me. Every day is another chance to do this and you succeed better some days than others, but slowly you succeed almost as much as you fail and you just have to keep trying. You must have lovely memories of your brother for you to have found his loss so hard to cope with, so use those to bolster you up. Imagine what he would want for you and trying to create that world is something you can do in his memory and in his honour. Those memories are your treasure and your strength. Make an album of favourite photos if you haven't already got one and use them to remind you of the good times you spent together when you need to, but keep moving forward, one day at a time. It will get better.  :hug: :hearts:

Offline estherelyse

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Re: My Brother 💔
« Reply #2 on: September 07, 2021, 05:06:06 AM »
Sandra61,
Thank you for your response. I know my brother would want me to go on with my life and find some joy, but I know that's not to be. Sometimes I don't feel like going on with my life without my brother in it and as for joy, there will be no joy without my brother here. There are so many triggers everyday, little reminders  that make it worse. I do some things in my brother's memory and also have a memorial tattoo. I have a collage of his pictures on a board in my livingroom. 

Offline Karena

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Re: My Brother 💔
« Reply #3 on: September 07, 2021, 05:12:43 PM »
 :hug: My husband died and that brought me here but i also lost my parents previous to that.
I wonder whether you are looking for joy in the wrong place - i found little bits of it for fleeting moments usually in the natural world and in my memories of the time we did have together because we both loved nature and growing things - i could have avoided it, not taken notice of it, feared it even because the memories might be too painful - but then having lost - what felt like everything good in my life i would have thrown away even more rather than held on to what was left  - and feeling there was no point to my life it seemed the best thing i could do would be to live it for him and do the things he loved - we loved - on my own. Even 7 years in i couldn't seem to feel any happiness for more than those moments - but the thing to do is collect them and keep them imagine one of those moments is a piece of jigsaw then as you collect them and put them together then the picture becomes a happier one.

You obviously were close to your brother so you must have a lot of happy memories of time spent with him going back to childhood - what were his passions in life - what did you share. A lot of people would have us draw a line under our grief tell us to move on and they mean move on without the person we have lost and leave them behind so we think we have to break that bond to do so - we dont.

In the physical logical sense we have no choice when they have died, but bonds are very flexible they change direction as our lives change and remain even when we are not in the same place so  we dont have to break them - in other words we dont have to say goodbye and leave them behind, moving forward with our lives is possible when we take them forward with us in different ways and not only keep the bond but strengthen it.

A key moment for me was returning to dolphin watching seeing a dolphin and also feeling so strongly he was standing behind me it was our favorite place our favorite thing to do together and he was still closer to me there than anywhere else - if i hadn't overcome that fear of painful memories hurdle and gone back there i would never have experienced that.So dont think you always have to change, find new things and new people to find any joy - first you have to find yourself and re discover that bond then start to bring those memorys into the present and future. It isnt easy and sometimes there are so many hurdles we want to give in  but let him pick you up now just as he did in life. :hug:

Offline estherelyse

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Re: My Brother 💔
« Reply #4 on: September 09, 2021, 06:41:26 AM »
 :hug: Karena,
Thank you for your response and sorry for your loss of your husband. Your message has so much meaning. I'm glad you felt your husband's presence during your outing, dolphins are such beautiful animals. I hope also to feel my brother's presence in the things/places we have gone together.

Offline Karena

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Re: My Brother 💔
« Reply #5 on: September 09, 2021, 10:06:12 AM »
 :hug: I,m sure you will - its just getting over the hurdle of going back that's the really difficult thing - the first time i went i came back  disappointed - i think i was trying too hard - expecting some kind of miracle where he actually was there in person in front of me - after that i was more relaxed about it all focusing on the dolphins or just sitting on the harbour wall literally like the song dock of the bay watching the waves seagulls boats etc  between them showing up.

 

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