Author Topic: Four days  (Read 108022 times)

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Offline Karena

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Re: Four days
« Reply #15 on: March 30, 2016, 04:40:28 PM »
 :hearts: it is such early days you are doing well just to get out of bed at all.Our dog was my motivation to do anything back in the early days but eventually being outdoors did become the thing that made me feel better,nature i think has a way of reaching in and refusing to let you ignore it,a moment of sunshine or a bird song can become a moment of healing, which you then cling onto through the storms.

Offline Hubby

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Re: Four days
« Reply #16 on: March 30, 2016, 05:16:47 PM »
I do have happy times. Normally pretty short but always welcome.

Someone sent us a rose bush. The variety has the same name as my wife. It was a lovely thought but it set me off

I've been out with the dog to the park where I had a full scale meltdown. Wailed my eyes out. Fortunately nobody was around and I managed to get it out of my system though I have had a couple of sniffles since I got home.  :cray:

I've had a little go at cleaning the yard but that didn't last long. Didn't seem to be any point to it.

Having a cuppa now. Dreading the knock from the vicar.

Offline Soleil

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Re: Four days
« Reply #17 on: March 30, 2016, 09:47:28 PM »
Hello Hubby,

So sorry for this sudden loss. I, like the others cannot form words that can give you comfort but just know this is a wonderful and supportive site.  My sleep was getting worse and worse over time so I had to get a little help with 1/2 a sleeping pill. I try to go a night or two and take melatonin and if I can nap during the day, make up for sleep- sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. It's easier to do if you aren't working though.

You are at the very beginning and it will be just a roller coaster. You'll never know what sets you off so just go with it. Grief really takes charge of every emotion.  I'm at a stage of dealing with some anger which can rear it's head just before going to bed so after pacing and muttering a few nasty words under my breath or pounding a pillow, I am fully charged and cannot sleep but it just comes over me, we have no real control.

My poor dog just pins back his ears when I rant- I think he used to wonder what the heck was wrong with his mostly even tempered owner but now he seems to just take me in stride.   Take care of yourself :hug:

Offline Hubby

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Re: Four days
« Reply #18 on: March 31, 2016, 10:55:50 PM »
Thanks for the words of comfort.

What a lousy day I have had. Didn't take my sleeping pill till late last night and then didn't wake till 2 in the afternoon. My daughter bought lunch for me then my other daughter brought in an order of service and eulogy she had prepared for the funeral. That was it, I took one look and I have been crying on and off almost constantly ever since.

On the plus side I managed to take the dog out avoiding places where I would meet people and even managed to mow the lawn through tear filled eyes but even the thought of the funeral fills me with dread.

One comfort I do have is that we got some stuff back from the hospital and my mother in law has sewn my wifes dressing gown into a cushion for me. I don't know why but it gives me a sense of ... something ... just to hold it close.

This isn't how men are supposed to be.  :cray:

Offline Emz2014

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Re: Four days
« Reply #19 on: April 01, 2016, 12:40:39 PM »
Sending a hug
I think that is how men should be personally, we are all human and we all have feelings, why should men feel they have to hide them.  (there are studies that show males feel effect of certain emotions more strongly, and is why men may often walk away from a heated argument) 
In a way (not taking away the sorrow of knowing you're in pain) how beautiful it is to have an insight into how wonderful your love is for your wife.  I think with such great love, with the balance of life (if you think ying yang) that makes loss so very hard.  Grieving is so hard but how wonderful to have felt intense love.  Sensing a huge hug, it's a hard journey, take little steps  :hug: xx
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx

Offline Hubby

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Re: Four days
« Reply #20 on: April 01, 2016, 12:55:38 PM »
Thankyou emz.  It means a lot that people understand. I was writing the following before seeing your reply to my last post.

Sorry to go on but I'm using the forum as a sort of diary.  :undecided:

Bit of a mixed morning. No sleeping pill last night so I woke early and couldn't get back to sleep. Postman brought letters from insurance and the likes that set me off for a bit then I got a call from the council (we had been having some dealings with them) saying they had issued a temporary exemption till I get stuff sorted so that was good.

Decided to take a trip to the local market with my daughter.  Lots of clothes my wife would have loved but we bought treats for the dog and some clothes for our grandson that my wife would have leapt on. My wife is now in the local chapel of rest and I am not going to see her. I prefer to try and remember her as she was and cannot face going in. I did have a bit of a cry outside the chapel of rest which is alongside the market. A few people stopped me and offered their condolences and I had my first awkward "How's your wife?" Conversation. That hurt.

I've hoovered up and then had a sausage roll for lunch and got crumbs all over where I had just cleaned. Margaret would have known to hoover after eating the sausage rolls. Just one of a million things I have to learn.

God bless her. She did everything
« Last Edit: April 01, 2016, 12:57:45 PM by Hubby »

Offline Cairo

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Re: Four days
« Reply #21 on: April 01, 2016, 01:14:58 PM »
Please forget any 'men shouldn't ...' stuff. It's nonsense.

It is far far healthier for you to be feeling and expressing your emotions than keeping them bottled up. I don't know about you but I often feel better and relieved after having a good cry or shout or whatever.

I've avoided going places where I might accidentally bump into people so you are doing well. I've preferred to plan to see people one at a time when I think I can cope better, so you're very brave going out as you have.

Just keep going, one day at a time. Xxxx
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I will survive.
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Offline Hubby

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Re: Four days
« Reply #22 on: April 01, 2016, 01:49:23 PM »
Thank Cairo

My kids and mother in law have gone down to the chapel of rest. I'm at home using the opportunity to have a good cry. Dog thinks I'm mad.

Offline Emz2014

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Re: Four days
« Reply #23 on: April 01, 2016, 06:41:43 PM »
 No need to ever apologise about 'going on' here.  Using the site like a diary can really help xx
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx

Offline longedge

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Re: Four days
« Reply #24 on: April 01, 2016, 07:35:53 PM »
My wife is now in the local chapel of rest and I am not going to see her. I prefer to try and remember her as she was and cannot face going in.

I felt the same way and then I thought back to the deaths we've had in the family before Chris died, most recently our sister-in-law and remembered that Chris always went to the Chapel of Rest although I didn't go with her. Because she always thought it the right thing to do, I did go to see her and to be honest it didn't upset me as much as I thought it would. I did it for her. It is a very personal decision and I don't make any judgement either way, but I'm glad that I did in my own circumstances.
I'll never get over losing her and I used to think that eventually
I would learn to live with it - that's not happened yet.

        ~ I'm George by the way ~

Offline Cleo

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Re: Four days
« Reply #25 on: April 01, 2016, 08:45:51 PM »
All you can do is take each day,at a time.  Be kind to yourself and try not to feel guilty if you find yourself enjoying something.

Offline Hubby

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Re: Four days
« Reply #26 on: April 01, 2016, 09:30:35 PM »
Thanks for the replies.

On the suggestion of a friend I've spent this evening getting stuff together for a memory box for me and the family to look at in future. I've got a bangle she always wore, her favourite perfume, lipstick and nail varnish, a hairband and and a lock of her hair. Just having the things in front of me somehow makes me feel closer to her. I will add other things as I come across them.

I know I might regret not going to see her in the chapel of rest. My daughters say she looked nice and at peace but it is something I really fear. If I don't go I might have regrets but if I do and everything isn't exactly as I remember her that would be too much for me. I'll have to see if I feel the same tomorrow.
« Last Edit: April 10, 2016, 10:48:46 AM by Hubby »

Offline longedge

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Re: Four days
« Reply #27 on: April 01, 2016, 10:27:07 PM »
My daughters say she looked nice and at peace but it is something I really fear.

I think you are in much the same place that I was last October. My daughters & brother-in-law had all been and said the same things that your daughters have said to you. I didn't fear going but rather just didn't see the point. Chris certainly looked at peace and I told her how much I was going to miss her and said goodbye. It wasn't easy in fact it's hurting now just thinking back but I'll never regret having gone. I think I might have regretted not going if I hadn't.
I'll never get over losing her and I used to think that eventually
I would learn to live with it - that's not happened yet.

        ~ I'm George by the way ~

Offline Hubby

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Re: Four days
« Reply #28 on: April 03, 2016, 02:12:41 AM »
I didn't go to the chapel of rest but I am thinking of going tomorrow.

I've had quite a busy day. The sleeping pill only half worked so I woke at 7:30. Didn't get up till 11 when I realised I wasn't going to drop off again. Had a bit of a cry.

Walked to a retail park and bought some writing materials and a digital photo frame. The daughters went to the chapel of rest again and brought me back one of Margarets hair bands and a lock of her hair which had me crying my eyes out.

After a bit I went food shopping with my daughter then took the dog for a walk.

This evening I have written a long letter to give to my wife if I go to see her tomorrow and I have spent about three hours looking through old photos to put on the digital frame as I want it to be on the table at the after funeral nibbles.

Writing the letter was really hard and I cried a lot while doing it but looking through the old photos brought back memories of wonderful times together and even had me chuckling on a few occasions.

She can still brighten my day even though she is gone.
« Last Edit: April 03, 2016, 02:15:46 AM by Hubby »

Offline longedge

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Re: Four days
« Reply #29 on: April 03, 2016, 02:19:42 AM »
You're n the same place that I was in 5 months ago - be strong matey!!
« Last Edit: April 03, 2016, 02:21:32 AM by longedge »
I'll never get over losing her and I used to think that eventually
I would learn to live with it - that's not happened yet.

        ~ I'm George by the way ~