Author Topic: Feeling lost  (Read 1522 times)

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Offline Toffeegurl

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Feeling lost
« on: January 26, 2020, 01:39:27 PM »
After an awful 3 years of losing people I love, my mum being the most recent 2 months ago, I'm feeling so numb and lost, I haven't cried once since she died. I don't feel sad or emotional, just lost and numb.
Social anxiety is taking me over, even with people I've known for years.
I kind of don't know how to deal with myself like this.
Can anyone relate to this? How did you come through it?
Thanks for reading X

Offline MG

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Re: Feeling lost
« Reply #1 on: January 27, 2020, 01:22:00 PM »
I have no answers for you i'm afraid, but I can say I do know how you feel, as I am in much the same position, but for me the social anxiety has taken over a long time ago. I had exactly the same feelings when I lost my mum 4 years ago, and I remember saying to my wife, I'm not crying, what the hell is up with me, but it did eventually hit me like a train. I've been told the numbness is the brains way of protecting us from the truth that we simply cannot handle yet, in time you will process this like i started to, but for me I dont think i truly grieved for my mum until 4 years later, when my wife died (last summer). Now i'd lost the two people in my life who i always counted on, who i could trust 110%, and the world came crashing down.

Life is a struggle for me, I work from home 99% of the time, so I don't get out much, and when i do all i feel is that people are looking at me and judging me, they probably aren't, I explained it to my GP recently, and said it feels like i'm walking into a room full of people with loaded guns, fingers on triggers pointing them at me, he's recommended anti-depressants, but i've not taken the plunge yet! I'm finding it very hard to meet with friends and even family who i'm very close to, and every day just gets that little bit worse. Not sure what the way out is?

And then yesterday, life just got that little bit harder again, our little bunny who lived in the house, who we bought as a bit of a baby replacement when IVF failed, passed away with heart failure, he lived to the ripe old age of 10years and 9months bless him, and I now have the horrible job of digging a hole in the garden. To some extend he's got me this far, something to cuddle, and he did give a damned good cuddle bless him, and now i've not even got that.

One of the hardest things for me is not having someone to love or care for, I met my wife at school, and for the 17 years I knew her I cared for her probably about 15 of those years, in one way or another, up to the point when I was doing pretty much everything for her, that almost transferred to the bunny who started being poorly just after she died, and now, again, i've nothing to look after any more. Everything i did, i did it for them, and its made me feel quite lost as to what is my purpose, people keep saying to do whatever i want to do, but i don't know what i want to do.

Probably like you, i don't know how much more of this i can take, and I know there are no magic answers. I hope this helps in some way, not sure it will really, and apoligies if I've hijacked your post a little, I read your post and had to sign up as I wanted to reply, so this is my first post.

Offline Toffeegurl

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Re: Feeling lost
« Reply #2 on: January 27, 2020, 04:03:22 PM »
Hi. You've not hi jacked my post, I'm glad it inspired you to join and felt that you could tell how you are feeling. I'm so sorry for the loss of your mum and wife, my husband is my rock and the thought of going through all this without him doesn't bare thinking about.
I realised through counselling that for me, talking is important and when I was having counselling, that hour a week being able say exactly what I felt without judgement was helpful and that opting out of life permanently isn't an answer I want to even contemplate anymore. Have you tried counselling? It's not for everyone, I was getting quite a lot out of it but unfortunately I ran out of sessions just as my mum died which is why I'm struggling now, not having that outlet.  Hopefully, talking to people on here will help. We've both taken the first step 🤗
The social anxiety is so hard isn't it? You feel lonely and isolated, but the thought of pushing through can feel worse than the loneliness. Please feel free to message me anytime if you're feeling low, I don't have any advice on how to manage it 😕 but I'm happy to lend an ear.
Is getting another pet an option for you? I lost my beautiful cat 18 months after losing my step dad. My fur boy was 20 and like your rabbit, was my world. Having that gorgeous furry little lump who loved me and gave the best nuggles was so helpful. He's been gone 2 years now and I'm still heartbroken.
I didn't get another one yet as I was looking after my mum who lived 100 miles away and it wouldn't be fair to leave it on its own so often. But now I'm going to be home almost all the time I'm looking to adopt from our local shelter. It may be too soon for you, but you'll know when you're able.

Thank you for taking the time to read and reply and as I said, I'm happy to listen.
Take care X

Offline Emz2014

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Re: Feeling lost
« Reply #3 on: January 27, 2020, 04:29:16 PM »
Sending you a welcome hug toffeegurl  :hug:

Grief is such a rollercoaster and it can certainly be confusing the range of emotions, and the way they can change. I too found my dogs got me through so much over the years, and sometimes when you rescue a pet you're not just rescuing them, you rescue each other.  Certainly helps to have a pet to care for, can give focus and structure aswell as companionship

When I was really struggling with my bereavement I found I couldn't reach out to friends and I found this forum.  Being able to talk to people who understood helped me so much, especially helped me to stop feeling alone (even when I was physically with people I had felt alone). Here by everyone sharing we help each other. I hope you both find the forum can help you too
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx

Offline MG

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Re: Feeling lost
« Reply #4 on: January 27, 2020, 04:41:09 PM »
I tried counselling and CBT many years ago for my social anxiety, I didn't find it massively helpful, plenty of useful techniques which are all well and good when you are by yourself, but found them impossible to put into practice in the real world. I also found that it did give a small positive boost, likely the outcome of taking some kind of positive action, but that it was short lived. I find it so hard to talk to anyone, especially someone I don't know, which puts me in a bit of a predicament, as how do I get to know someone if I can't talk to them. These days my head is just filled with what I can only describe as 'noise', imagine if someone put on 10 different songs all at the same time blasting out, you wouldn't hear any of them just noise, its very much like that. The GP I saw said the medication should help with that, so i have to seriously consider it, as its driving me insane, affecting my ability to think straight, and then that leads to me not being able to talk properly, i end up missing words out of scentences, or not being able to find the word to say, all gets very embarassing, which just leads to further withdrawal. But aside from doing what im doing, not that its working very well, not really sure what else to do. Actually going out and putting myself in other peoples company is as good as sticking needles in myself, I just can't do it.

Getting another pet is definitely on the cards, but for now its just too soon, I honestly don't think I could carry on for very long without something to love dearly and care for.

So sorry to hear about the horrible time you've had of late (read your other post), and I am so happy for you that you have your husband by your side, cherish him and make every moment count. I have very few regrets about our relationship, few tiny things I wish i'd have done differently, but on the whole it was pretty much perfect, couldn't really ask for anything more than that.

Had an almost perfect evening with the bunny on saturday too, he'd had a rough day, started with gut stasis, managed to get him sorted, and then fell asleep with him on my knee sat on sofa, only about 20mins, but he never moved, put him to bed, still poorly but eating again, got up at 4am to check on him and he was gone, but not long before as he was still warm, missing him so much, keep hearing all these noises and have to remind myself that its not him making them.

Thank you for your offer of support, I too am here if you want to drop me a message. I'm no expert in the answers, if there even are any, but happy to listen and share my experience if it helps.

Trying my best to focus on the future, and something positive, I've just drawn some plans to build an extension on my bungalow, which I'm planning to build myself, it'll either be the best thing I could do or the worst, not quite sure which way its going to go yet!

Offline Emz2014

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Re: Feeling lost
« Reply #5 on: January 27, 2020, 04:51:21 PM »
For the anxiety you can try building some confidence here, or in other online arenas.  It can be a good way to practice in a way, get to know others and can one day even build to a meet in person. We have had some meets with people from this bereavement forum over the years and i have made real friends offline (have very fond memories of the meets - everyone starting pretty terrified/nervous, then leaving as friends)

There are many groups out there for various interests/hobbies too, Facebook groups and forums. Another avenue could be future learn, where you can learn subjects but also interact online with other students
When I was alone going through a really hard time many years ago I made a good friend from a forum - had someone to chat to online when I was stuck in the house but then led to meeting in person when we were brave enough/able to

At this stage in your bereavement this may feel a step too far at this point, which is fine as sometimes we need to rest, but hope it gives you some ideas of hope for the future
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx

Offline MG

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Re: Feeling lost
« Reply #6 on: January 27, 2020, 05:05:04 PM »
Has anyone ever considered using Virtual Reality as a means of combating social anxiety? Theres a lot of press on it at the moment, and it makes sense that it could help. I'd love to try it, but suffering from motion sickness when playing video games is putting me off a little since the price tag of the units is quite high. I wonder if you can hire units rather than buy them from somewhere

Offline SarahB

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Re: Feeling lost
« Reply #7 on: February 04, 2020, 05:11:41 PM »
I feel exactly like you both do, having lost my Mum in early December. I have days when I am literally so sad and then angry that I don't feel able to face anyone. Which is kinda what I think you're both describing. I have a very 'front facing' job and today I literally feel like beating the crap out of someone. I feel like just screaming my head off.

It isn't helped by people saying 'we are here for you' which lasted for the first week and now I feel like the onus is on ME to reach out when I don't have the strength. The person who I thought was my best friend (gay guy), told me a while ago that I had too much anger and that my expectations were too high. He kept leaving me out of things when I explained to him that I was suffering from anxiety and depression and possible PTSD. He then lied to me by going to Las Vegas, after we'd spent a weekend in Amsterdam together and not mentioned it, went to Vegas and blocked me from social media so I didn't know where he was. I loved my friend so much and trusted him and now that trust is broken. So I don't feel I can reach out about my Mum incase my 'expectations are too high'. My expectations by the way only asked for honesty and a bit of inclusion instead of constantly being left out. So I've closed myself off. I'm scared and really panicking incase I'm doing this whole grief thing 'wrong', and like you am becoming very socially anxious and isolated.

I'm so sorry too to talk about myself on your thread - but I do feel I'm experiencing some of what you are too. Hopefully we can talk to each other. I'd love to hear your thoughts on this so called friend situation as his character assassination of me has made me feel like I'm too much trouble to my friends, even at this time. I am sensitive, but I'm a good and kind and giving person who would never hurt a fly.

Offline Toffeegurl

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Re: Feeling lost
« Reply #8 on: February 05, 2020, 10:40:44 AM »
Hi - no worries talking about yourself, in a way its good to know other people have the same concerns.
The way i see it, there is no 'wrong' way of dealing with our grief, everyone is different and whichever way they deal with it is right for them. I know 2 people who lost their husbands, 1 was back at work in 2 weeks, the other was off for a year. Dealing with the grief and fighting the anxiety etc. is absolutely exhausting for me and I think from what you're saying you are finding this too, it feels too hard sometimes and i want to just run away to escape it all.
I think my numbness and lack of crying is my bodies way of protecting my mind, right now i'm just unable to deal with the loss of my mum on top of everything else I've been through.
Regarding your 'friend' obviously i don't know either of you, but he doesn't sound like the kind of friend you need in your life right now. It feels like he can't cope with your grief and he's handling it very badly unfortunately. Might be best to give yourself a break from him for a while, only you will know what will work best for you, personally for me, i'd walk away for a bit. Trying to figure people out is difficult at the best of times, right now it's just too exhausting. I know what you mean about people being there for you but having to be the one who reaches out. If you're like me, i want to reach out but i can't or don't because I worry about people getting fed up with me talking about the loss, how i feel etc. so I isolate myself even more. Its a total no win situation.
All we can do is try and keep going and support each other on here. Am happy to chat anytime xx