Lost my dad end of January - now on lockdown

[KateE]

Hi everyone,

My dad (69 years old) died end of January. I got a call whilst on honeymoon (we had got married 3 weeks before) to say he had had a heart attack and to get back ASAP to say goodbye. A speedboat and multiple flight later we got there to spend two weeks in ICU with him. In the end, an infection killed him overnight.

I’m now stuck on lockdown with my husband and in laws whilst my newly widowed mum is alone in another country. I have no clue how to grieve in this strange scenario where I can’t see my close family and friends and where everyone else is just having to adjust to a once in a lifetime pandemic and I’m also having to deal with the sudden loss of my dad. None of my friends have gone through the loss of a parent yet as it’s relatively rare in your twenties - so it’s difficult for them to remember I’m not over it 2 months later when I’ve not even had a chance to grieve properly as I’ve been so worried about the rest of my family and losing anyone else. The news articles people share on social media of people in oxygen masks and ventilators is also really traumatic as I’ve just seen my dad go through this so I’m acutely aware of what it looks like.

I just don’t know how I’m meant to get through this but then everyone keeps saying Blitz spirit and all that but then they’re not going through grief as well. I just can’t wait for 2020 to be over because it’s been so rubbish so far. Worst of all, I know there’s nothing I can do except grin and bear it but I’m just so tired of it all!

Anyway, moan over. Hello everyone!

[Emz2014]

Keep talking with us here.  this is a safe place where you can vent and share your grief.
Grief is hard and I can only imagine how much harder it is to grieve in these weird times. Where in a way everyone is going through a different form of grief, grieving for the normality and comforting routine they've suddenly lost. So thats in a way two lots of grief to process

Its a rollercoaster journey which takes time. Unfortunately those who have not lost loved ones cant quite comprehend the timescale.  Be gentle with yourself, its a tough journey but you dont have to do it alone here

As general coping technique I would suggest to anyone to stay away from too many news stories - stick to reputable sources and limit it to keeping up to date with the important things we need to know. That will help to contain some anxiety to manageable levels

[Karena]

Hi i can only really echo what Emz has said -these are such difficult times it is really hard for you and your mum.What people forget when they say blitz spirit is what we see of all that in retrospect never takes into account the individual grief of those people - and this isn't the blitz this is something much more silent - and yes for many during the blitz society and community was very different and there was a good chance your mum and other family lived in the same street - your neighbors were your surrogate aunties etc these are very different times.

Can your mum get whats app or similar - i know its nothing like the same as being there in person  but having that contact helps. My eldest was living in south Africa when my husband died and whats app made a big difference to both of us.

Your fears about losing other people are normal when you are grieving - naturally its much deeper just now with this virus -but without it its very easy to imagine any circumstance in which they go out and don't come back and become anxious if they don't phone at the same time every day or they don't answer the phone - anxiety like that  is also part of grief.

I don't know where you are in the world on lock down but in the UK we are allowed to exercise - as long as we don't travel somewhere to do it or meet up with others outside the household keep well apart etc - so if you can get out in the fresh air then do so - i know it doesn't sound much but i found it made a difference just to be in the natural world for a while - and as Emz says try and stay away from the media a bit more - if you can watch a film or read a book that takes you away from the real world for a while then go ahead and do that.

We will be here whenever you want to write and we will try and hold your hand through the worst of this.    

[Sandra61]

Dear Kate,

So sorry to hear about your dad  and that you must be feeling so alone and so worried about your mum. I think all any of us can do at the moment is try to communicate as often as we can using any means available, be it Skype, Whatsapp, a phone call or just an old-fashioned card or letter.

I lost my own dad when I was 24, so do have some idea what you may be going through. It is very hard to lose a parent at any age, let alone when still so young. The difficult thing for you must be being separated from your mum. My advice would be to talk as often as you  can and support one another as well as you can at a distance.

As Emz and Karena have said, grief is a hard long process under normal circumstances,which we are definitely not in now. So be as kind as you can to yourself. It might help to write a letter to your dad and tell him all the things you would have liked to say to him if you had had the chance. It helps to write it down and does bring some relief in my experience.

As Karena suggests, being out in nature helps too.I found walking in the park helped after I lost my mum and found my way here two years ago. It helped me just to know that other people understood how I was feeling too, so I hope you can take some comfort in that.

It must be very hard to process all this under the current lockdown restrictions, but we are here for you and will help as much as we can to help you get through this terrible time.

Sending strength and an understanding hug.