Author Topic: Hello  (Read 2118 times)

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Offline MrsT

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Hello
« on: January 18, 2021, 11:50:24 PM »
Hi,

 just introducing myself x

Offline Sandra61

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Re: Hello
« Reply #1 on: January 19, 2021, 01:00:03 AM »
Hello, as soon as you feel you want to, please tell us a little about what has brought you here, so that we can try to assist however we can. Best wishes,  :hug:

Offline Emz2014

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Re: Hello
« Reply #2 on: January 19, 2021, 08:32:08 PM »
Welcome Mrs T  :hug:
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx

Offline longedge

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Re: Hello
« Reply #3 on: January 23, 2021, 10:16:34 PM »
...and similarly a Hello and welcome from me. I remember my first attempt to post over five years ago when I got half way through a post, broke down and could go no further. Eventually I managed it and I found it helped me through the bleakest moments, hope it does the same for you  :hug:.
I'll never get over losing her and I used to think that eventually
I would learn to live with it - that's not happened yet.

        ~ I'm George by the way ~

Offline Nice2bNice

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Re: Hello
« Reply #4 on: January 24, 2021, 06:55:07 PM »
Hi 👋 when you're ready we'll be listening

Offline MrsT

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Re: Hello
« Reply #5 on: March 07, 2021, 10:23:33 PM »
So, This is not a place I ever thought I would ever be.

This time last year myself and my husband where looking forward to a beautiful holiday in Cape Verde, then Covid strikes and just like everyone else our plans are cancelled.

I had just resigned from my job as I care for my Mum who has cancer and my dad who has dementia and to be quite honest everything was getting too much.  My lovely husband said leave the job you can always get another one when things calm down.

We where just trying to cope and get along in that first lock down.  Dave, my husband was in the high risk group so trying to sheild the best he could.  We both celebarated our birthdays in lock down , however a week after Daves birthday he had a cardiac arrest , right here in our new home and I so tried to keep him with me but it took the ambulance over half an hour to get here and even though I didnt give up , I knew in my heart he was gone...

On the 17th of March it will be 9months since that most awful day, I can still remember every moment.  Still get vivid flashback, awful nightmares and cry every single day...

I feel so lonely, so heartboken , and must admit sometimes very very angry...

Offline Karena

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Re: Hello
« Reply #6 on: March 08, 2021, 01:26:41 PM »
 :hug: its not suprising you feel as you do - the shock of what happened is bad enough under any circumstances but  i have lost two friends and a relation during this pandemic not to covid one to a brain bleed two to heart attacks and even that i a weird way addds to the shock because thats where we have been so focussed at protecting ourselves from covid. Add  the additional  isolation created by covid while trying to come to terms with that and its a toxic mix - anger is also part of grief - anger at yourself, at others and even anger at him for leaving  you behind  no matter how much you know he didn't want too - and you did everything you could but our brains will still find a way to blame ourself and ask the constant what if questions. Did i do it wrong  could i have acted sooner. In reality statistically the chances of CPR working without the equipment are low - but we are not statistics we are individuals our loved ones are too so knowing that doesnt help when we are grieving.
My husband died from a stroke and i also had to deal with flashbacks - the only way i could find to do that was to imagine a pack of cards each one holding a memory but to put all the good memory's on them - so like flash cards when the bad ones came up i - in my head could throw it away and see a good one in its place - it took time to stop the bad ones always being on top and coming back but the more cards you fill with good memory's the more you can call on to get id of the bad ones.  - This whole thing takes much more time than we who are on this journey  and others who haven't experienced loss like this  imagine it will - being kind to yourself and patient with your grief is really hard but its the only way we can go - i think we learn to live with it as it will always be part of our lies but over time we build another life around it and sometimes that means building it around them not in physical form but in our memorys of them - i had a long time of not being able to see a point in my life then decided i would just live it for him - do the the things we used to enjoy -and  the things we didnt get round to be his eyes on the world and eventually i did start to build my own life back, in order to do them.

Finding this place helped, where others are who understand and are going through this themselves, but also somewhere to write down things i couldnt say out loud to anyone - so often "I,m ok"  is the stock answer we trot out if people ask -  but so much of the time it isnt true.  :hug:

Offline MrsT

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Re: Hello
« Reply #7 on: March 08, 2021, 08:56:17 PM »
Evening,
Thank you so much for taking the time to reply  :hug:

Yes lockdown I feel has intensified so much.  Not able to grieve properly, not being able to have the support of family and friends.  Also caring for Mum n Dad , I dont really feel that I have been able to grieve properly? 
4 weeks ago my worst nightmare came true I arrived at my Mum n Dads in the morning to walk in on him having a heart attack  :cry: 
He was admitted into hospital and within 3 hours we got a call basically to go and say goodbye.
He managed to pull through however his dementia seems to have gotten worse.

My hubby would of known what to do as he went through similar situation with his Dad, I really just feel so alone and lost.
I sit in the chair where he last sat, looking at his picture, his smiling face and beg him to come home to help me to give me the strength to carry on, I stare up into the clouds looking for a sign ( that sounds quite mad doesnt it).

As I said I cry every day but some days are better than others.  Today being a better day so hopefully tomorrow will be one too.

Louise x

 


Offline Nice2bNice

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Re: Hello
« Reply #8 on: March 08, 2021, 10:30:40 PM »
Hi, I'm near 10months since I lost my lovely partner, the hurt, the anger, confusion, helplessness, numbness and everything in between are all experiences we unfortunately experience after loss of a loved one however as often mentioned we do manage our own grief differently albeit similarly. Try to be sure and find comfort within your saddened times, music, photos, memories. All these emotions and nobody understands or so it may seem.
Talk, explain and allow others to share your grief when you want to, friends will listen and try to comfort you as best they can and if they understand a little better of how you are feeling they may be able to change their approach to one that supports you better and help you find a balance where memories bring as much joy as they do sadness.
You're world has been turned upside down, no one can possibly know how you feel, even ourselves to be fair. We understand and we can offer empathy as well as supportive guidance BUT we don't know how you feel, we are not you and you are not me though together we can stand strong no matter how much we're falling apart.

Offline Karena

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Re: Hello
« Reply #9 on: March 09, 2021, 06:51:22 PM »
 :hug: i dont think it sounds mad at all - - well if you are i certainly am  something which might seem mad when life was "normal" doesnt seem that way when our "normal" has been taken away from us --  i fell in the pond (long story) and looked at the sky and told him out loud dont you laugh at me - then laughed at myself knowing he would have been in stitches i spent a lot of time telling him not to laugh at me after that,  -but its the same with the bad stuff as well though - my younger daughter was involved in a car crash when she was pregnant - i rushed down there with her husband in the car but the traffic was queued back quite a way so i had to pull over and we ran past all these cars - he soon got ahead of me but as i ran out from under the trees there was a rainbow behind the hill - i dont know why i thought it  was a message but as soon as i saw it i stopped panicking and this voice in my head said she will be ok  - things like that have happened quite a few times  its as though he is still looking out for me - but  i also think  in the early days we look too hard and we look for signs that other people have talked about and perhaps because of that miss others and that includes the silent voice inside us -  so when you know he  would have known what to do then, you also know yourself because deep down you know what he would have done and listening to your heart and hearing their voice in there is how they can still talk too us.

Maybe i am mad or maybe not -  but i will take my chances and continue to believe what i do about how we can take them forward with us even while others tell us we should leave them behind  -   its how i cope and its how i live with hope and no one has proof that there isn't something  that keeps us joined  in some way in fact quantum physics makes it more possible than traditional science used to tell us.  so keep looking at the sky but dont miss whats  in front of you or what your heart is telling you.

Offline MrsT

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Re: Hello
« Reply #10 on: March 10, 2021, 08:31:08 PM »
 :hug: thank you Karena xx
I got home before from my Mum n Dads (been a difficult day with Dad his Dementia has been challenging today) rightly or wrongly I reached for the Gin! I'm so tired n feel so alone , I just hate this !!
Anyway , I was in my kitchen and shouted out loud , it wasnt supposed to be this way, we had so many plans, things we wanted to do...
Dave and I loved our dogs , we had a Westie and a Scottie , our Westie , Hamish was having health problems and we decided we needed another because Nessy wouldnt cope without Hamish xx
So I now have two pups Dave (after my Hubby) and Angus! Why am I telling you this , because Dave will never ever be forgotten , his name is mentioned daily , Dave Stop, Dave put that down, Dave behave and i honestly believe he will be laughing his socks off at this , but to me it brings comfort and that is all that matters xxx

Offline Karena

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Re: Hello
« Reply #11 on: March 11, 2021, 04:10:49 PM »
bless you - Thankyou for making me smile today i can imagine he would definitely be laughing at you telling the pup off using his name - we had a rescue staffie/labrador called Ben - he was very lost when keith died so we were in good company with each other when it came to being bereft and the  hierarchy had changed, so there were some challenges getting him to understand i was the boss now ( i dont think he ever believed me really )- but he definitely kept me going - you have to get up when they demand food and walks no excuses - but i can imagine  Keith would have said about me letting him on the bed - i did talk to the sky then too - saying something like what are you going to do about it - I didnt really think it through properly though . Ben was getting on a bit and i worried about him on the stairs there was only one way down for him and that was fast and out of control - so i started making him wait at the top until i was halfway down then stopping him, then making him wait again until i did the other half  - then waiting at the bottom - not for my safety but so if he did lose his footing i could catch him  - after that i started sleeping downstairs so he didn't need to go up at all - i was devastated when he died , but i will always be grateful for his company and keeping me going in those early days. - I haven't got another dog but until covid i was at work  all day so not really fair on a puppy or a rescue as they often have problems with being left  - but i do have three dogs who come round for their holidays sometimes when the owners go away - Rufus is also a rescue mainly  lurcher as graceful as a deer and as stupid as a pheasant  - zabba is a Labrador he was supposed to be a gun dog his siblings were - but he is terrified of loud noises and the dark for some reason so he was sold off cheaply and a work colleague got him - and Misty is a springer spaniel - she is probably the most intelligent of the three but crafty with it.

I have a goldfish (rescued from fairground care,)  and two ex battery chickens who are  full of character ( i chat to them as well) - plus a few wildlife rescues that still hang around so i,m not short of animal company.

Exactly right though - i imagined if there is some sort of afterlife then it might be a short conversation if we dont share with them now - as we would have when they were physically here and that means sharing not just our pain at their loss  but the love and the laughter that made our relationships so special in the first place.   :hug: