Author Topic: Good Evening  (Read 1348 times)

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Offline Lynsey

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Good Evening
« on: January 14, 2021, 11:32:31 PM »
My 80yr old mum was killed by a van driver just over 7 months ago and i'm really struggling to come to terms with it all. I feel the main issue for me is that I saw her lying on the road after it happened surrounded by ambulance people and police and to be honest, I just knew she had gone at that moment. I cant get the vision out of my head and feel it is stopping me grieving properly because everytime I think of her, thats what I see so to protect myself from that vision I try and think about something else if that makes sense. I dont speak about this aspect of my grief with my family as I dont like bringing it up as they are all grieving too and feel its something they dont need to hear. Im not sure if its because of the reason ive just said, but I cant even look at photos of her, I still have all her texts on my phone, cant look at them either. We were very close, she was a fit lady for her age and cared for my dad but because he isnt very well, I was at their house most weekends and nights after work to try and help out. This happened during the 1st covid lockdown so we couldnt even hold a proper funeral for her. Im so tired feeling like this and want to remember her for the kind lovely mum that she was. It also looks like the van driver will be going to court which is also hovering above my head.
Would be grateful if anyone has any advice for me on this one. Thanks x

Offline Sandra61

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Re: Good Evening
« Reply #1 on: January 15, 2021, 01:49:48 PM »
SO terribly sorry to hear about the tragic loss of your mum. Sending you a hug.  :hug: It must be very difficult for you, especially given how this happened. I can understand that you find it very hard not to think about it. I do feel this is something you need to talk about though and would recommend you ask your GP to arrange grief counselling for you. Talking really does help. Do you have a friend you could talk to, if you can't talk to your family? Also, it might actually be worth trying to talk to family about it, as they may be having similar feelings that they are afraid to mention also. Failing that, try writing about it. You don't have to show it to anyone, but just the act of writing the words, helps relieve the stress, as it gives expression to the feelings locked up inside you. I think the shock and the horrible way this happened are still affecting you and it is not so much that you are unable to grieve, as still unable to see beyond that event and remember the person she was. It is hard in these lockdown times, but I found it helped to revisit places I had gone to with my mum after I lost her and that did help bring back memories of her and of happier times.

I hope you find a way through this, but do feel that until you find a way to talk about it or give expression to the feelings you are not discussing with anyone, that you will find it hard to move forward from this, so I would urge you to try some of the options I have mentioned. They are placing a burden on you that is weighing you down and you need an outlet, I think. I hope some of this helps and wish you well.  :hug: :hearts:

Offline Emz2014

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Re: Good Evening
« Reply #2 on: January 15, 2021, 11:16:20 PM »
Certain memories/vision's can be really difficult and that's certainly a traumatic experience. Talking may help like Sandra suggests, as well as the suggestion to write/journal about how you're feeling. 

I know karena has some lovely tips to help too, where you can imagine these visions/pictures like they are on playing cards, and when you remember a distressing one try and imagine changing it to a more positive vision/memory, like changing the card at the top of the deck. (I think she explains it alot better than me though!) In time the better memories will be more prominent than the bad ones

I imagine that knowing there is a court date coming is also making it front of your mind too. You may find it becomes easier to deal with that particular memory once the court element is sorted.  :hug:

Some people do find it extremely hard to look at photos for some time, and others are able to look at straight away. So its very unique, and not an unusual thing to happen so try not to worry   :hug:  the grief journey is weird as it has lots of similarities for each of us, yet it is so unique at the same time. Try to be gentle with yourself,  you can  return to photos once you're ready
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx