Author Topic: Ground hog day  (Read 801 times)

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Offline Niftysixty7

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Ground hog day
« on: February 22, 2020, 08:43:32 AM »
Iíve been widowed for nearly seven years, itís not raw anymore, but l do feel itís without purpose.i have a good, full life, no money worries, healthy as far as Iím aware but life seems pointless. Iím grateful for all that I have, but, feel itís something out of ďGround Hog DayĒ Iíve meet men, one of whom would have given me the world, a widower. However am used now to living alone and doing and having things my way, was no point and very unfair just to settle because it would have been the easiest thing to do.
 
       Still miss  my husband, ours wasnít the happiest of marriages, we were married for 47years, he and our children were my whole world. I have so much giving to give and would love to have someone to give it too, presently am giving it to myself. This sounds really whiny and needy, thatís not really who l am wondered if others who have been widowed for longer feel the same.

Offline Karena

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Re: Ground hog day
« Reply #1 on: February 24, 2020, 11:39:36 AM »
Firstly you dont need to apologize for what you write here it is about being able to write how you are feeling and no-one will think you are being whiny or needy.
Secondly there is nothing wrong with giving too yourself - you spend your life giving too others your husband and children parents etc -and in that time self care often goes out of the window so now its your turn.

I am 8 years in and this is the second time being widowed for me.  - i will never put myself through that a third time so remain single (which is also pretty illogical because that wouldn't necessarily be the case but logic and our hearts are different beings.) I still miss him, there are days i still get very down and think my life is pretty pointless and other days or moments when i feel he is still next too me - he is definitely still guiding me in some way.

I think you are right, whatever the reason it probably is unfair to just "settle" if the passion is lacking and maybe more so if it is one sided - maybe your friend would settle for being just that a friend - then you can spend time together without that hanging over you - i have friends who are male and they're great to spend time with just as female friends are - it is nice to have some-one to share an interest with -but like you i have got used to doing things my way.

My daughters had left home got their own lives and family One was on the other side of the world the other nearer but not near enough so when my husband died there was this great big void -i have always been a carers had no idea how to move forward from that.On top of that i have social anxiety even more accentuated without him there so i could be his shadow.

To fill time initially  i started doing some free online courses - i just randomly picked ones that sounded interesting and before i knew it one lead too another and then they kind of linked up and made sense -and now i,m doing some work for school gardens in Africa - still online still in my spare time, i have a full time job - but i got the chance to visit one and as that's where my older daughter is anyway went ahead with the visit,  which inspired me even more. Some-one else here took up dancing and that is her inspiration - we all have something in us which can make us feel less pointless and less empty and it doesn't have to be a relationship.

I have a friends i go dolphin watching with a friend i go to a pub quiz with, friends i go camping with  -friends in Africa i have met only once - friends i have met on this forum - so what i am trying to say here is maybe you are looking in the wrong place to find something to fill that gap and the direction you need.
That isn't to say through doing something new you wont meet some-one else maybe you will,maybe even i will because none of us know some-one wont come along - but i am not looking for that,  just something that i can be passionate about, if that makes sense.     

Offline Niftysixty7

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Re: Ground hog day
« Reply #2 on: March 03, 2020, 12:27:44 PM »
Thank you Karena for your reply, itís something lm loath to voice as l know people are having a far harder time than me, and I have a great deal to be thankful for, but the loss is as great now as seven years ago. I fill my life, which is good, have friends Iíve made, but still sometimes think Iím just marking time.

   Then l read how hard it was for you, twice, god once is enough, and if Iím honest part of me in the relationship was protecting myself against this void again. Iím so sorry for your losses, and silly as it sounds itís reassuring to know itís not just me that feels this way. I know Iíve messaged before and I think it was you gave me words of wisdom then, so ThankYou.

I would love to end a day exhausted but fulfilled having done something worth while, something that would keep the colourful flame inside of me alive, will keep searching. Sending love and again thanks

😘😘

Offline Karena

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Re: Ground hog day
« Reply #3 on: March 03, 2020, 02:16:00 PM »
 :hug: you will find it - and maybe you will find it when you were not really looking or thinking what you are doing isn't it -then realizing it is - ironically it took a sentence from a tutor on a course i was doing for work not for myself - i did an assignment using the garden ideas to put together a marketing package that had to be for something outside work - basically to get us to extend our horizons nd get away from the usual contsrints the type of product they make creates and he pointed out the obvious - to use what i knew for work - graphic design  - along with the other courses i had done  to make it happen for real - seems pretty obvious now but i just hadn't made that connection.(not the brightest sparkler in the packet )   

 

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