My mum

[Mrsmissy1965]

Mum passed on 14 Oct this yr, she was taken ill a week before although she started to recover, she decided to stop taking any treatment including her insulin, copd meds and heart meds she passed holding my hand 3 days later, I miss her but I'm angry that she chose to leave us, im also haunted by the fact she was frightened, it's the last thing she said to me, the dr told us she would have between a week and 4 weeks she passed 7 hours later, p

[Sandra61]

So sorry to hear about your mum. Sending you a welcome hug.  Perhaps your mum found it hard coping with so many serious conditions and felt her quality of life was not enough for her to want to go on coping with them. I think that happened to my grandmother, but she kept going anyway, but it was heartbreaking to see her deteriorate, so although you will never know what would have happened had your mum soldiered on, perhaps you need to try to accept that she did what she felt was right for her and try to learn to respect her decision. Perhaps she would only have ended up suffering more had she chosen to stay. I have to say, my own mum died two years ago on the 9th October after suffering a cerebral haemorrhage some weeks earlier and she clung to life for as long as she possibly could, but those last six weeks in hospital were hellish and my first and overwhelming feeling when she passed was one of relief that she was no longer suffering, so it could be that your mum managed to evade some of that suffering in making the choice she did and that, in time, may be something you can be grateful for and you may come to understand why she made this decision.

I think it is always hard for those left behind, because we always want to keep our mum with us for as long as possible and will do whatever we can to try to achieve that, so naturally you are angry that she chose to go, but try to see it from her point of view and perhaps that will help.

I am sure most people are frightened by the prospect of dying. No one likes to think they are going into the unknown, but you did the best thing and stayed at her side and held her hand. That was the best way to go for anyone, I am sure. I didn't manage to do that and will be haunted by that for the rest of my days.

You are probably still in shock as you had not expected to lose her quite so quickly, so I am sure your emotions are all over the place at the moment, but as time passes and you have time to reflect on things and get over the initial shock, I am sure you will be able to process her thought line for yourself and come to understand what might have led your mum to take the direction she did.

You will never stop missing her and will always love and remember her and in time, you will stop focusing so much on those last days and come to recall and appreciate more all the good times you spent with her. It is a terrible thing to lose your mum, so it will take a lot of time to begin to accept and come to terms with it, but we are here for you for as long as you need us.

Sending you strength.   

[Mrsmissy1965]

Thankyou... xxx

[Karena]

my mum had cancer and also had weeks to live -but on the day she died she sent me home because of the snow on the roads and then died within an hour before i even got home.

The thing is as a mum myself, i think perhaps your mum was thinking not just of her own quality of life but maybe in some way maybe even subconsciousely that she didnt want to put you through more weeks of pain, in seeing her suffering and that is something i might have had in my mind if i was in that situation myself,for the sake of my children but that was before being at the child end of it . 

I dont think thatit is necesarilly the right decision for our children because from that viewpoint of course we want to be there and we want to do everything possible and have every last moment together and i think a part of us also clings to the hope that there will be a last minute cure or there was a mistake even though we know deep down  it isnt the case and deny it too ourselves and  we cling on too that hope because it keeps us going and it keeps us functioning through their worst suffering.

In my mums case there was a question mark later over it all which will never be resolved  because of later revelations about the actions of a nurse at the hospital at that time,
but prior too that although i didnt agree with what i thought she had done by sending me away while somehow knowing what i didnt, and what was really happening too her at that moment, and  hiding it from me, but i did come to accept that if it was the case it was done because she was trying to spare me, out of love for me, and at a practical level potentially real concern that had i stayed, after she passed i would not be just driving in the snow at night but doing so in a very distressed state -  and however misguided it was, especially in light now of that big question mark  over what really happened

 which of course isnt the same situation for you -but what i am trying to say is firstly anger is part of grief and it isnt rational anger but try not to be angry about her decisions she didnt want to leave you but she knew that the time was coming, when she would have too, and she knew the only control she had left over any of it, was to make the decision she did.

I have a friend who having had surgery refused further treatment for cancer because she wanted to be remembered by her grandaughter not as a frail woman suffering and in pain but as something much happier, she said to me i want to show her as much of the world as i can but most of all i want to go and pick blackberrys and make a blackberry and apple  pie with her from my grandmas recipe  and that recipie will be my legacy to her.  And  even though i found her choice really difficult to agree with, (and she did in fact survive but there was no way of knowing that at the time) i had to respect her right to make it and that its those simple things and the love  that goes with them which drives our choices.   
We spend our lives with our children making decisions and we dont always get it right but please believe me when i say your mum only ever acted out of love for you.