Lyn, your loss is so so new and I think you have to just try and go with whichever emotion is taking you at the time, sadly I too had the hospital vigil where her care was appalling so I got her home, but the damage had been done, and I have lodged a formal complaint t with the hospital, like you am aware that mum's body and mind had had enough and myself and her alone together at the end is what she would have wanted, just not the bit where I had to try to save her..i am not sure you should try to reprogram your mind so soon, for me I found absorbing crying and just letting it dwell in me was how I go through, listen at me, got through like I am sorted....
Woodlands, I did buy a star for Mum and Dad so I know they will be registered forever together, and I also remember vividly that night I lost her, coming home and just sitting in my back garden sobbing staring at the stars, I also bought a cheap little Xmas tree from a supermarket, its only 1 foot tall, as I do not have children do not have to decorate the house, my intention is after Xmas to plant it in a tub so it will hopefully grow for a living memory of Mum and Dad, I also keep a journal using two different colours, purple for good points of the day and black for the bad, and I also have had all my favourites photos enlarged, and have a particular book that I write things to her in.
I have no idea if it's right or wrong, I feel guilty that I lost her at end of August and an struggling more than some of you, ironically she died on the 21st August and Dad died 25 years earlier on the 22nd August. I wish I could open my arms and fix all of you and myself,, it for now, genuinely you are my reason to keep going