I thought it was about time I shared my story, I've shared on other groups so here goes...it is long so feel free to skip to 2017. I just need to get it all out.
2006 - met my husband Dave. Both young (19/20). Moved in together fast, got engaged. Very rocky few years. I have OCD so put him through hell interrogating him over stupid things, he would retaliate by being violent. No "red flags" of suicide other than him once sitting in the middle of a 70mph road because we'd argued, not sure if he was drunk as I can't remember.
2009 - first child born, brilliant dad to her. Violence stopped, though he would smash stuff up in the house at times. Happy marriage. 2015 - second child born, he didn't want another but agreed to keep me happy. Again doted on her.
2015 - met his only (and best) friend Dan. Went from drinking 1 beer a month to drinking a lot, going out getting drunk and coming home at all hours. Late in the year he discovered some debt I'd hidden, smashed the house to pieces, neighbours called police, we lied and said it was DIY, nothing happened. Ended the year on a good note.
2016 - Up and down. Many months happy and together, some months split up but living together. We were both emotionally abusive to each other. Very hard horrible year. We tried date nights but they all ended badly with him drinking and arguing with me. Got through it and ended with a lovely Xmas. The eldest child starts playing up at bedtime, refusing to let me sleep or leave the room, if Dave goes to her she screams he's killing her because she knows he'll worry about the police being called, so I have no choice but to deal with her. Causes arguments between us as Dave says to let her scream but I won't incase she wakes her sister.
2017 - January, had a huge argument because I discovered he'd ordered a gas mask which I found was for suicide. He'd spent a day ignoring the kids, catatonic, which he said was to make it easier to kill himself. He said the kids would be better off without him, they'd get over it, I'd meet someone else, and he was suicidal because I was mental. He said he knew I'd stop him seeing his kids if we split up and I was horrible. He cancelled the order, we agreed to a fresh start. End of January I found him trying to order another mask, again talked him round.
2017 - February, massive argument over him drinking (he'd given up his nights out but he was drinking at home too much and after work, but denying it, I said he had a drinking problem as even 1 beer made him nasty). He reported me to the police for fraud and I left him for a week. During that week he asked to see the kids, I refused unless supervised but eventually agreed to bring them to see him. He begged for me back (he's NEVER done that!) so I came home, he was the happiest I'd ever seen him.
2017 - March, moved house, fresh start, things looked good. April - our daughter's 2nd birthday party, he storms out saying "Donna has arranged for me to be beaten up in front of the kids" simply because he heard me asking my friend on the phone if she was coming round and if she was bringing her partner (who Dave had never met!). This was after him pretending to call the police the night before, then going mad because he thought I'd called them (I hadn't) so then actually calling them to tell them I'm making up stories to have him arrested! I threw him out, he left for 2 weeks, even rented a place nearby. He asks to see the kids, again I say only supervised and again after 2 weeks back down and he sees them at home. He then moves back in that night.
2017 - May was lovely, had a lovely wedding anniversary and he spoiled me with gifts. June was a bit rocky. July - went abroad on holiday, eldest child still playing up so had no time together, I did EVERYTHING for the kids whilst he drank, to the point of vomiting one night (and trying to tell me it was food poisoning!) No time together at all, very stressful holiday.
2017 - July still - the week of his death - the night we return from holiday, the eldest is still playing up, it escalates to Dave smacking her hard enough to mark her (it does fade, no bruise). I yell at him to get off her, he gets nasty saying I yelled to have the police called. The next night (friday) I stay in a hotel with the kids and email him telling him to leave, I've had enough, his behaviour on holiday etc.
The whole weekend he stays in bed, sets his phone up recording himself (he later said that was to prove his innocence to the police as I told him to leave or Id call them). Doesn't talk to anyone or leave the bedroom until Monday when he goes to work. When he leaves I pack him a bag and text him to tell him. He collects it at 8pm but I don't see him. By this time I haven't actually seen him since the Thursday as me and the kids leave earlier than him.
Emails go back and forth, the usual arguments and accusations. Tuesday I email him saying he needs to accept his previous violence and sort himself out, he emails "I hope they get to our girls soon" knowing I'll go mad thinking he's reported me to social services (child protection) which I do, and tell him he won't see the kids unless we go to court now.
Wednesday 130am whilst I'm asleep he emails his suicide note, which basically calls me an abuser, says I am abusive and controlling for the whole 11 years and this is his only way out, his only way to be free. He implies the girls will be taken from me as I abuse them. He then ends it with how he did everything I ever said and built his whole life for our family but it wasn't enough for me, nothing ever is. (Nothing nice in the email, no I love you)
6am he's found dead, an hour away from our home, in his van. I don't find out til 6pm.
Since his death I've pieced together as much as I can.
6 weeks before his death he got his friend's phone and deleted all the messages between them (to spite me as although they are innocent, he knew it'd play on my OCD). 3 weeks before his death he backs up all his photos (for when police take his phone). In the week before his death he makes sure he takes his driving licence from my purse (I had it on holiday) for the police to ID him.
The day before his death he goes to work as normal, appears normal but arranges to leave early. At 3pm on Tuesday he purchases nitrogen online, using our joint eBay but changing the password. He drives straight to collect it. His friend phones him when he is on the way and he is normal, says he'll see him tomorrow etc. I have no idea what he does from 3pm-10.30pm.
10.30pm he's online deactivating facebook (to play on my OCD, he never really even used it!).
11.45pm he arrived at the place he died, scoped out the car park and drove off. He returns about an hour later, parks his van. He emails me 1.30am. I assume he completed straight after, as by 6.00am when he's found he's been gone a while.
He wipes his phone, GPS etc. Locks his van doors. Parks
somewhere he knows he won't be found until it's too late.
He leaves his notes on the seat next to him. One is a long list of abuse I've done to him. Some of it is true (not letting him cook or clean) some of it is completely false (says I tried to kill him, blames me for smashing up the stairs) some of it is twisted to sound bad (says I don't let him look at women in underwear on tv which isn't true, but sounds worse than the truth which is that I don't let him look at porn. He knew people might understand that so he made it worse).
His other note says he can no longer go on living in fear of false prosecution or being attacked by friends/family of mine. That I am the abuser and have taken the girls from him, that he has nothing left and I've won. He begs whoever finds him to check his phone as it will tell them all they need to know, and to please save the girls from that monster (me). He mentions he is sorry he couldn't save the kids from me but that he loves them.
Yet he was still wearing his wedding ring - he's always kept it on, because he always said he was still married no matter what, even during our splits he kept it on. So why keep it on when he died? If he needed them to know he was married he could have put it next to the notes etc.
I know it is my fault. Why? Because I threatened to have him arrested for violence ALL THE TIME. I only ever meant his old violence, but he assumed I'd pretend it was still happening. He thought photos of bruises were my evidence. I also threatened that he'd only ever see his kids supervised ALL THE TIME. So the main reasons in his note are true. The thing about being attacked is just paranoia, he's never even met the person he's scared of.
He had enough cash in his wallet to leave, with or without the kids and plenty more in the bank - so why not leave? He even says in his note that the money in his wallet was his escape fund, yet he completed instead???
If I'm that bad (and I was bad at times) why not leave? If I'm a monster who abuses the kids, why not make sure they're safe first? Because now he's gone, there's nothing he can do, and I have the kids.
Thanks for reading.
