:hug:welcome too the forum.I felt like you do now after losing my husband,but also could not bear the idea of creating any more hurt for others in the family. I imagined what he would say if we did meet up and realised it wouldn't be the happy reunion I dreamed of,so determined instead to live my life for him.I know its different when its your child,I cannot imagine anything worse,all I can really say is that we will be here to try and support you .