Author Topic: My Wife passed 7 months ago  (Read 30977 times)

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Offline Karena

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Re: My Wife passed 7 months ago
« Reply #45 on: July 08, 2017, 08:31:30 PM »
Yes I saw the poem Woody,I think your lady was very talented its a really good poem.
To be fair our temperatures here in the frozen north have been nothing near 30 and we havnt been short of rain either,but today perhaps,well sunny anyway. This morning I cleaned my fish tank out.My good friend Pushkin the parrot fish wasn't looking very happy but seems to have rallied.I moved gravel out of the plants and he is busy spitting it all back in.Then I cut back a honeysuckle that got out of hand,and cleared blanket weed from the pond ,had a chat with the frogs,picked sweet peas,rasberrys blackcurrents,and am about to butcher a cabbage,first one of the year.So now I also have a bad back.
Was it the heat that put you off going out or is it a general thing because coming back too the empty house is so painful.Its not easy I know. :hug:

Offline WOODY

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Re: My Wife passed 7 months ago
« Reply #46 on: July 09, 2017, 02:44:47 AM »
Hi Karena, I tried to reply last night, but was unable to get onto the forum, every time I tried, it said, Unable to connect to this sites server. Seems ok now. It was both really, I don't like the heat, but I also really hate coming back to emptiness and silence, even leaving the radio is not the same.

I found it worse the other day, as I left the blinds and curtains closed, to try and keep it cooler, but when I came back , it was the darkness as well.

Does not seem any let up to this heat, can't sleep, have not had any rain, 2.45 am, sitting here with fan on, having a cup of tea

Offline Emz2014

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Re: My Wife passed 7 months ago
« Reply #47 on: July 09, 2017, 09:27:58 AM »
I had the same issue getting on to the forum too

I'm not a big fan of the heat either -  i like blue skies and sun, but not too hot!  I'm struggling a bit with my ears too - I'm having to oil my left one so it can be syringed this week, but the right one is playing up again - its been itching and now feels/sounds like a washing machine effect - I'm hoping its just the leftover congestion from my cold

You sound really productive yesterday karena!  I wasnt as productive - my dads best friend came for a visit and his wife helped me replant my apple tree I've been growing from seed.  Alot of the afternoon I wasted surfing through facebook!

How are you today Woody?  Not being able to sleep makes it harder  :hearts: xx
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx

Offline WOODY

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Re: My Wife passed 7 months ago
« Reply #48 on: July 09, 2017, 09:57:18 AM »
Hi Emz, Pleased to hear you are now over your cold, but sorry that you are having trouble with your ears.
I am just very tired, as unable to sleep,three nights running, have had to get up, unable to sleep very lifeless with this heat and just heard the forecast it's going to be hotter today.

Thought it might just have been me, but there was obviously something wrong with the sites server, last night, sometimes, I managed to get on to it, but it was frozen, could not post anything

Have a good day Emz

Offline Karena

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Re: My Wife passed 7 months ago
« Reply #49 on: July 09, 2017, 06:27:00 PM »
I was sat outside in the early hours this morning.Beautiful moon and a red alert for northern lights.didn't see any but it was the first time in years there was a red alert and it wasn't clouded over.Picked and froze black currents today.
Woody I wonder when the heat drops if you went for a short walk every day then you would be more accustomed to coming back home.Also better for you health wise. You know the rolls of double sided silver insulation they sell at diy shops.I made insulation screens for the campervan with those to keep warm,but they reflect sun  so they may keep your room cooler.Our forecast for tomorrow and Tuesday is a paltry 17 degrees maximum.It might have made 20 today when the breeze dropped.Perhaps we should swap.


Offline WOODY

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Re: My Wife passed 7 months ago
« Reply #50 on: July 09, 2017, 07:10:43 PM »
Hi Karena, The Nothern lights, what a great spectacular, I would love to have the experience of seeing them. Iceland, apparently, is the best place to see them, would love to get some great shots of them.

If this heat keeps up, I think I will be off to Iceland, probably the supermarket and not the country though.

Have you ever managed to see them Karena ? Hope you have had a good weekend

Offline Karena

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Re: My Wife passed 7 months ago
« Reply #51 on: July 10, 2017, 07:57:57 PM »
When I was a kid I went on holiday with two great aunties to Morecambe.We had been somewhere after dark I,be no memory of where,and were walking back to the B&B when we saw red and green lights right across the bay swooping around.The aunties were terrified,was it Aliens,nuclear war,the Apocalypse.So I was hustled quickly back to the B&B rapidly.How they imagined that would protect them from any of those situations I don't know,but the landlady assured them it was just the Northern lights.I was then bundled off to bed.So I have kind of seen them but its a very distant memory.In 2012.They were seen a few times from the UK so I joined a fb group linked to the alert system at Lancaster uni,and spent several freezing cold nights sat in my campervan on a variety of moors that were vantage points but it was always cloudy.
The only thing that would ever tempt me to cruise would be to head up north in the hope of seeing Whales and the northern lights.Nothing on the other hand would tempt me to go to Iceland the shop.

Offline WOODY

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Re: My Wife passed 7 months ago
« Reply #52 on: July 10, 2017, 08:14:00 PM »
Hi Karena, Well an almost experience of seeing the Northern lights is good enough for me.
I have seen some truly fantastic photos of them, would love to get shots like that.

Sorry, when I said, Iceland the shop, it was meant as a joke, as that would be the closest I would be able to get to Iceland.

Was a bit cooler here today, for awhile, then heated up again, they are still threatening this rain, but will believe it when I see it.

Hope you had a good day.

Offline Karena

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Re: My Wife passed 7 months ago
« Reply #53 on: July 11, 2017, 06:24:02 PM »
Hi woody.Hope you had a better day and made the most of the brief coldsnap.its been raining all day here and cold enough for long sleeves to re appear.I knew it was a joke about Iceland,might have sounded a bit snobby when i said i wouldnt go there,but applies to all supermarkets for me.Microwave meals for one is how I lived for a long time as I couldnt face cooking for myself ,so I,m on a mission to avoid them but they are an easy option and tempting along with crisps,biscuits,cakes and chocolate.If I havnt got them I can't eat them and I can't just nip out as the nearest supermarket is a good 12 miles away.

Offline WOODY

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Re: My Wife passed 7 months ago
« Reply #54 on: July 11, 2017, 07:17:06 PM »
Hi Karena,
I have had a lousy day today. Tuesday's, at six minutes past six, end my Groundhog Week, then it starts all over again, on Friday.
This is the problem i have, On Friday 2nd December, the District nurses came into to see Janice, Janice was speaking to one of the nurses for a long time, so i wondered what was wrong, Janice, said to me, " I was just telling Clare, that i have not got much longer "  I said, " You are fine, we just need to get you out of this bed and back into your chair "  The nurse, Clare, then said, thats what i have just told her.

So, here comes the part that haunts me, all day, i had been telling Janice that she was fine, then at 7 o'clock, Janice started to have an MS seizure, these normally only lasted minutes, but on this evening, Janice had one after another, they just would not stop, i try to call the out of hours GP, but no answer, i phone for an ambulance , a paramedic arrived, she said, it looks like Janice has an infection, which is causing the seizures, the ambulance arrived with two more paramedics, they said it would be best to take Janice into hospital, which they did.

Saturday, there was a slight improvement, Janice was a bit more coherent, on the Sunday, i was totally amazed, Janice was talking, laughing, she looked so well, i said , you look fantastic, i said, another few days you should be ok to come home, as the antibiotics have worked, i was so pleased, i was over the moon, that Janice was going to be ok.

On the Monday morning, the hospital said that Janice, had a bad night and had trouble with her breathing, physios had been helping her with this, on the Tuesday morning, the hospital phoned and said, you need to get here now, as Janice is really struggling to breathe, when i got there, they told me that her right lung was completely blocked. At 4 o'clock, we were called into the relatives room, or the room of gloom, as i have named it, we were told, that they were going to give Janice, one more  round of antibiotics, which will take about an hour to finish, they said if this does not improve her, then they are going to withdraw all medication and just leave Janice on oxygen, as they said at the moment, her blood pressure, is only 71.

At just after 5 o'clock, they removed the drips, Janice, was then just on oxygen. at six minutes past six, Janice passed away.

This has been very hard, to write, but this is what haunts me so much, that i did not listen to Janice, when she told me, that she did not have much longer also, i just can't come to terms with, how well Janice was, on the Sunday and she had gone on the Tuesday, how could that happen.

So, this is my Groundhog Week, it is there haunting me, from Friday to Tuesday, every week.

Karena, i am sorry that i have had to go all through this

Offline Emz2014

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Re: My Wife passed 7 months ago
« Reply #55 on: July 12, 2017, 08:09:14 AM »
Guilt and feelings of 'i should have' are so common on the grief rollercoaster.  Most of us have questioned ourselves, we should have done this, should have known that.  We always do what we believe is best at the time, with all the information we have at the time.  All we can do is apply our experience of previous moments. It's a hard part of this journey

I used to think of specific times or dates, but over time I have chosen to move my focus on to the parts which were more my loved one - more on to the dates such as birthday etc. Something I heard recently, think about a book.  There is a full stop at the end of every book but we don't think of that full stop, we remember all the pages, the story, the memories.  The full stop is just the way the book ends, we still have the whole book

It's not easy. 

Have you considered some counselling to help with the groundhog week?  :hug: xx
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx

Offline Karena

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Re: My Wife passed 7 months ago
« Reply #56 on: July 12, 2017, 09:21:15 PM »
Woody I have been down this road twice my partner Mark died of cancer aged 30,We had a special license to marry in our home as his condition was terminal,but on the Saturday morning he urgently needed a blood transfusion so everything was cancelled and we went down to the hospital.The staff spent the night trying to rre a range the wedding for Monday,also my birthday.On Sunday he also rallied,spent a lot of the day in the grounds in his wheelchair His family visited and then within an hour of them leaving went downhill rapidly and died on Monday.I was told later that rallying the day before is something that happens quite a lot.The most obvious way to think of that is that its a cruelty added to all the others,but I,m not too sure.Yes it seems like an extra cruelty giving us false hope  and yet at the same time if there is any kind of purpose perhaps it is that,using Emz book analogy.It acts as an epilogue,after watching them being Ill for so long,rather than the full stop coming at the end of that chapter there are a couple of extra pages,where they have just that few hours of feeling better,being themselves again,perhaps that's so we can remember those hours as a break from the trauma of ambulances and hospitals and tests and all that stuff.The full stop does come,but perhaps we should see some solace in that tiny epilogue.

Years later I,m back in that same room with Keith,also dying..In the October we had been camping and he went off on his own for a while.Afterwards he was very quiet,and all he would say was promise me no matter what happens you will go to the wedding.This was my daughters wedding in South Africa.Afterwards things went on as normal until new years eve,when he had a stroke.He recovered and came home,but had lost use of an arm and the sight in one eye.He insisted still I should go to the wedding and I only agreed to go,if he stayed at his daughters,where I dropped him on my way to the airport.At the reception I had a feeling of a gap by my side,something I had experienced when my mum died,I knew something was wrong and ended up changing my return flight and getting lifts back to the airport.When I got back I could see he wasn't well,He wanted to go home,and I said we would but we would go to the hospital on the way just to check him over.He never went home.My guilt was that I shrugged off what he said back in October,that I don't hold my ground over the wedding and went and left him,and that I didn't grant his request to go home.The last one was the one I mentioned on here and someone very wise who used to be here said.Imagine how guilty you would feel if you hadn't gone too the hospital,you would always wonder if there was anything they could have done.She was right of course,We can only act in the way we feel best at the time and no matter how that is,we will find a way to feel guilty because we will wonder about those decisions,yet making a different one would not have changed the outcome.
The following October I went back too that campsite,and experienced a strange spirituall event,perhaps it had happened too him too and that's why he said what he did,but I had no way to know that,it wasn't explained to me as Janice's,comment wasn't to you. :hug:
Sorry this was so long winded,but I just wanted you to know,you have nothing to feel guilty about,neither did i ,but grief has a way of turning the blame in on yourself.

Offline Emz2014

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Re: My Wife passed 7 months ago
« Reply #57 on: July 12, 2017, 10:22:28 PM »
 :hug: to you both xx
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx

Offline WOODY

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Re: My Wife passed 7 months ago
« Reply #58 on: July 12, 2017, 11:03:00 PM »
Hi Karena, Not long winded at all. The courage that you have, to have gone through this dreadful experience twice. Sorry, that sounds condescending, but it's really not meant to.
I would never have to want to go through this again. I am 67 and have promised Janice, that there will never be anyone else and at my age, it would be highly unlikely anyway. I would never want anyone else in my life, Janice was my whole life, using all the cliches, that you have heard thousands of times, Janice was not only my Wife, she was my friend, my soul mate, we thought the same, I won't bore you with the rest of the list, but you know what I mean.
I would have loved to have renewed our wedding vows, in those last days, but it was a great struggle for Janice to breathe, let alone speak.
Karena, Thank you very much for your support and understanding. You have had the strength to get through this, so this certainly gives me some hope, as many times, I have thought, what's the point, but I really have great admiration for you, and sorry, but I am not being condescending.

Offline WOODY

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Re: My Wife passed 7 months ago
« Reply #59 on: July 12, 2017, 11:20:15 PM »
Hi Emz, Sorry, I did not see your post, we must have posted at the same time.
How are you ? Hope you are feeling better and the cold has gone.
You will probably have got the jist of things from mine and Karena's, previous posts.

Have had a better day today, tomorrow , who knows, then I am back to Friday again, then it starts all over again.
I like you book theory, makes a lot of sense, but the dates thing, I am dreading, birthdays, anniversaries, don't know how I will cope with them. It starts next month with our wedding anniversary, then Janice's birthday in September, going to find it very hard.

 

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