My Wife passed 7 months ago

[WOODY]

Hi Karena,
It is very hard, when everyone has got someone to go home to and go out and do things with.
I feel like life for me now, is like having an out of body experience, where I am just looking in on life and what everyone is doing.
In the beginning, most people are sympathetic, then it gradually wears off, as they really don't want to know about how you are feeling. I am finding this now, more and more, friends and relatives that would phone me every week, don't bother anymore and I don't phone them now, as they are obviously don't want to be bothered.
Things just get worse I think, I don't know if I told you, but when it came to arranging Janice's funeral, I had a major fall out with my Daughter, the problem with her is, she likes to be in control, she likes being the centre of attention, so she is telling me about all the people that she wants there, well, quite a few of them, Janice had no time for whatsoever, so I ruled those out straight away, then there were family members, a couple of sister in laws, that Janice never got on with and a lot of family members , who never bother to ring or visit to see how she was when she was here, so I thought, well you didn't worry about her when she was alive, so I consider it will be an insult them being there.
Anyway, my Daughter did not like this, so I said " Ok Sharon, you have your PITY PARTY, and everyone can say poor Sharon, I said if that's the case, then, its going to be hard, but I won't go, I know, that as a Spiritualist, her spirit has left her body, so the funeral, is just her she'll, I said I will have my own private time with her. Well, believe it or not, I didn't have one sympathy card from anyone in the family, Sharon got them all and was also sent flowers and got all the visits and phone calls. Well, eventually , Sharon said, ok then, it will just be the five of us, meaning, her, her husband, our son and his partner and me, but Amy came as well, so I said ok, that's fine, so there were six of us at Janice's funeral, not one of the family have contacted me since. What hurts now is, Sharon asked me for one of Janice's poems last week, so I was curious as to why now, she said , " Oh, when we come back from our holiday, we are meeting up with all the family, down at Bracklesham and I am going to read the poem out and we are going to let balloons off for Mum," so I have become an outcast now, so as I say, it hasn't got any better for me, it just gets worse, I wish she hadn't told me .

Things between us are not the sane now, still very tense. The youngest Daughter, we have not seen, for about nine years, she never came to see Janice in hospital, or never visited us, in that time and she never came to Janice's funeral. xx

[Karena]

  the funeral I went too a couple of weeks ago was like that.My friends had been together for 23 years.She has 3 children from a former marriage,he has 3 too.But he never divorced,so the ex wife and his daughters took over.Apart from trying to get their hands on his stuff the morning after he died they organised the funeral and not one moment of it was about him,it was all about them.They even put a photo of him with the ex on the order of service.My friends children had more affection for him than his own did,and there was them and six of us friends.The official wake didn't include any of us including his partner,we had a separate one elsewhere.
Families can be so difficult,and you soon find out who your fairweather friends are too.But you also know through that which ones are really your friends,and I discovered a couple of friends surprised me with their continuing support,including the lady above.Sadly because its friends from the bongo club distance is an issue so they're not the friends you can just pop out for a drink with.But also I made friends here,again not local but genuine people who understand grief but also have other things in common.
It must be really hard though when its your own children who you fall out with,but if you can then try not to let it simmer on,people grieve differently and perhaps that is what leads too this kind of thing happening.Perhaps she just needs to do this thing to help her own grief.What no one can do though is take away what you had,because only the two of you really understand your relationship,everyone else,even our children are observers and observers don't quite see the whole picture.
Also I think children don't see a family rift the way older generations do. Partly because we shield them from it but also when for example older generation siblings fall out ,it shouldn't mean that cousins have too,and also then the next generation don't know their family at all.They have to find out for themselves who is flaky ,make their own mistakes so to speak.


The feeling detached thing I also recognise,I set off for work one morning and as I walked down the street had the oddest feeling of being invisible even questioning whether it was me that had died and was floating around in another dimension looking into the old one.On later reflection in a way that's exactly what happens,because part of us has died.and we often are outside looking in.Even now sometimes I might be laughing but suddenly realise it isn't actually real laughter from the heart,.and question whether I really enjoy things as much as I used too.I think part of my soul went with him literally and I will never quite be the whole me again.That doesn't mean what's left here is unhappy overall,just not quite fully engaged with life.

[WOODY]

Hi Karena,
Thought today was going to be a really hard day to get through, as it's 8 months today, since Janice passed. Well, had a text from my Daughter, to say they had booked a table for the five of us, at a pub in Lingfield, for Sunday dinner.
It was a really nice afternoon, very nice meal, don't often see my son in law, but he also came, it really was nice.
The girls birthday cards for me, that they had made, with photos of them , when they were young, they also gave me a huge box, that I am not allowed to open until Wednesday, I said is it a million piece jigsaw.
But, as soon as I came back through the front door, it hit me, I thought I was going to be ok, but it's really brought me down again now, feel really guilty, that I have gone out on this day without her, when, it should have been us going out together, the first year, when Janice will not be here for my birthday. xx

[Karena]

There is no need for guilt,I imagine Janice would want nothing more than to see you spend the day with the family,I am absolutely certain without any doubt that she would rather you did that than  turned them down and spent the whole day upset and on your own.Imagine it was the other way round,would you want her to have that time with the girls rather than watch her suffering alone.

Coming back too an empty house is always difficult but so is staying in alone,catch 22 I suppose,but I think the first choice is better in the end.

On my first birthday without Keith I bought myself a present from him,of course I knew it wasn't from him but something he might have bought.The first one I bought a stone globe,he loved stones and gems,and this wasn't only a globe but seemed to have a map outline of Africa on it.I knew I would have to go back and was dreading the emotions around that,especially the idea of coming back into the same airport but knowing that this time there would be no reunion even though the last time it had been a brief hello before he died,I wasn't ever going to be granted that even that again.When I saw the globe it felt like a message to go and this time he would be free to come with me,something his physical body had prevented last time.The second year it was a tiny gold feather necklace.Again it felt like he wanted me to buy it,it kept appearing randomly on my fb newsfeed,then I went onto etsy,looking for something completely unrelated and it turned up there too.
Of course it didn't make up for him not being there on the day,nothing could ever do that,but that is the same whatever day it is,I suppose in a way it was affirming the love he had for me by continuing to buy something for myself with him in focus.Maybe Wednesday would be a good time to buy yourself that record player,even if you're not ready to use it just yet.

[WOODY]

Hi Karena,
I found this, the other day, after trawling through hundreds of Angel pictures, I saw this and thought yes, that's the one, with the exception of the flowers that the Angel is holding, I want them to be Fuchias and will not have all the flowers and things round the outside, I just want a scroll with the words in xx

[Karena]

That is a beautiful angel woody.Would you like me to have a go at mocking it up for you to take to the tattooist.If so let me know what colour of fuschia  what words and rough size.Now the meetings over I have a breathing space I would love to fill with something like this.

[WOODY]

Hi Karena,
That would be fantastic, if you could do that please, I would really appreciate.
Fuchsias are a Red pink sort of colour, I will find a picture, they are sort of trumpet shape.
I would like the words in a scroll if possible, the words I would like are :-
   The Wind beneath my wings.
Size wise, it is going on my inner forearm, so length I would say approx 7-8 inches, and width at the widest point at the top, would be approx 4 inches, sorry I can never get to grips with Centimetres and millimetres. That would be really great, thank you very much Karena.
I will see if I can find a picture of Fuchsias. What am I saying, I would imagine you know what Fuchsias are, sorry, someone asked me the other week what Fuchsias were, sorry, wasn't thinking xx

[Karena]

Don't worry I know what they are.some are a deep red with purple centres,some are a salmon pink with a yellowish centre.The red ones are the ones you see more often .the others are a hybrid I think.I was wondering which colour you were thinking of. I,all do a few versions so you can chose,fonts etc.

[WOODY]

Hi Karena,
Thank you, it's the red Fuchsias, that Janice likes.
Forgot to ask you yesterday, how did you Ad turn out, were you pleased with it, as it had given you a lot of stress. xx

[Karena]

It got accepted, so its a case of refining it now. It was quite funny really there is a guy there who has some sort of superiorty complex, he is nothing to do with marketing, but he went through the report i spent hours over, then asked for one statistic i hadnt done -because no-one had asked for it and i,m not a mind reader,

Then with the Ad asked if there was a problem with the colour.I had said at the beginning it was a concept copy and i had printed it on the main office printer which isnt callibrated too my computer, but one of the other programmers came in, saying perhaps he hadnt been listening when i said concept or perhaps he didnt understand what concept means.- nice to have someone on my side.

Last week, the obnoxious one -who really cant park and is the worst driver  (-he learnt to drive in pre Magabee Zimbabwe -where the test standards were  -erm a little different) - proceeded to tell me that if i had moved the bongo up, there would be more room for him -there was seriousley a lot of room for a tank and his car isnt that big, and  if i had moved up i would have blocked some-one else in,but this guy only sees his own situation and loves opportunities to knock me down  in front of others -i suspect he was brought up in a very hierachical household surounded by servants and doesnt like that i,m not cleaning up or washing up after him. (Perhaps he doesnt like my Mandella and chez T shirts  )
What was nice was the web site guy took me on one side and thanked me for putting the work in,so there,s always good people to counteract the idiots.


red fuschias it is . xx

[WOODY]

Hi Karena,
It is so frustrating, when you come across, these sarcastic little upstarts, afterwards, a thousand put downs come into your head, but never at the time you want them, I really detest people like that, they have no talent themselves, but are always the first to criticise people who have.

Probably one is :- " I have seen you on tv, it was called interference "

These idiots, just have no idea, the time and effort that you put into these things. Criticism is the easiest thing in the world to to do, but I always say, if you are not capable of doing it yourself, then never criticise people that can and never tread on people on the way up, as you never know when you might need them on the way down.
With him asking you to move your camper, say it might not be as flash as your COMPANY CAR, but at least I own it and it's paid for.

I bet he is a little man as well, the ones that criticise normally are, they have little man syndrome.xx

[Karena]

Not a company car but posher than my camper, I,m not impressed by posh though you can't spend nights in his car and you can't move house with it in fact its just boring..Don't let it bother me any more to be honest,water off a ducks back these days.
So your angel is coming along but might take a while to replace the roses as they stand up and fuschias hang down but looking OK so far.She has been photoshopped before though,someone had a go at her hair and left a line which I think I  sorted,but won't matter anyway,the tatooist is only copying the idea not printing it on your arm.Just me being pernickerty.

I know you are dreading tomorrow and happy birthday isn't the right words so I will wish you a peaceful birthday and hope it is not as hard as you are anticipating.

[WOODY]

Hi Karena,
Thank you very much, I really do appreciate you taking the time to do this.
I wonder why it's been photoshopped before, just curious as to what they did with it.

My Daughter.and Granddaughters, jetted off to Spain this afternoon, so won't see them now for a couple of weeks, but I am pleased, that they have gone away, and hope that they have fun and enjoy themselves. Thank you very much for the birthday wishes, it will be hard tomorrow, but I have made up my mind, that I am going to have a walk around the town tomorrow, rather than sitting in, as I think that will make things a lot worse. I might go and have a cup of tea and an iced bun 
Don't know what the weather doing tomorrow, supposed to have rained here today, but it didn't, still if it rains tomorrow, I don't mind, as I like going out in the rain, as you can only get wet once, I love the rain. Might even take the canera with me. Have attached a photo of Sharon and the girls as they had just boarded the plane . Thanks again Karena xx Don't know why pictures are up side down xx

[Emz2014]

Hope you have a pleasant birthday stroll and iced bun.     xc

[WOODY]

Hi Emz,
How are you, hope all is good with you.
I can't say I had the best of birthdays, but I managed to get through it.
The next day I am dreading, is the 21st August, our wedding anniversary, that is really going to be hard. xx