Hi Langer93 and welcome to our group. So very sorry for the loss of your mum.
I lost my husband 6 and a half years ago. I have twin boys who where 9 at the time of losing their Dad. I have watched them grow into young men without a Dad and it's not easy.
You've had conselling but that doesn't mean you can't reach out again, and I hope by reaching out to us on BUK you can release some of how your feeling. We are here to listen and help you through this difficult time your having. The best of us cope most of the time, but meltdowns are allowed.
sending you massive hugs
Penny