Sunny weather makes me happier on its own as i have SADS, but it can also bring out extra feelings of sadness especially when you see other people getting stuff in for BBQ,s going off for familly picnics etc, knowing that it wont be like that for you ever again,but it doesnt mean there cant be happy times again just different ones and finding a different one that offers any kind of meaningful life isnt easy, especially when you know that different will always be second best.Sometimes though you have to work out what second best could be, because it has to be better than worst.
I think this period of not knowing how to go about that is normal -i remember times questioning why bother going to work to keep a roof over my head when i dont even want to be here, even questioning whether it was me that had died and was living some sort of in between life where i did nothing more than exist as a shadow of myself. but lying on the sofa and picking up the tv remote changed that even though i didnt know it at the time.
I watched a david attenborough series and realised i had spent an hour for a few weeks being completely enthralled, and very disapointed when the series ended -so why didnt i learn more about the planet, which lead to a futurelearn course which in turn lead to doing so many of them i hardly had time to think, which was great because i didnt want to think.Eventually they pointed me in a direction to move forward.
Perhaps just lying on the couch is what you need to do now and thats fine, because perhaps you will also find something, initially to pass the time, which will point you in a direction in the same way whatever that direction is.
If you think of it as sitting at a crossroads with no road signs, the road you walked away from your old life on was forced on you, you didnt chose it and it was very rough, the roads ahead will also have rough patches.but for now you are weary and tired out, so just sitting there is a natural reaction and one that you need right now - but eventually one day you might chose a road and take a few steps down it - perhaps its the wrong one and you end up back at the crossroads resting but then you will pick another one and start treading down that one perhaps this time the obstacles will be worth climbing over or clearing a path round so you will continue.
If the option was have keith back and give up my future ideas and my courses and the new things i do -i would opt for that -The reality is that option isnt going to be offered and this is my second best - which isnt always smooth or clear cut or the right road but also isnt always bad.