Introducing Myself

[LunaLu]

Hi there,

My name is Keeley and I'm 33 years old. In August last year I lost my Dad, he was 55 years old and was relatively healthy. He was an active guy, he walked about 3 miles a day with Nala his furry boss a German shepherd and was always one to be working. He'd injured his knee a few years ago and had been awaiting an appointment for some physio. He passed away suddenly from a DVT (deep vein thrombosis) which went to his lungs and I'm told it would have been over very quickly. Thing is when I was 12 I lost my Mum equally as quickly and unexpectedly. She was 34 years old, didn't drink, was always out walking or something and she passed when a DVT broke off and went to her heart.
I've been so angry for so long I cannot get passed it. I'm constantly being told by people "we understand" or "if you need anything" but the thing is none of them actually have a 'normal' conversation anymore as they never know what to say. It's frustrating.

I work in retail and it's a nightmare. I lose my temper when people start complaining because the store has been moved to accommodate new stock or the sale stock. They complain about everything and all I want to do is tell people how pathetic they are. I am dreading returning to it all. I know I need the routine but.... ick!

xx

[pennyking]

Hi Keeley and welcome. I'm so sorry to read you have had such a hard time.
I lost my husband to a DVT 10 days after an operation, he was 44.  Other have no idea how hard it is to even get out of bed. 
I don't envy you working in retail, I know my tolereance level is zero so I can imagine how hard it is to keep your tongue. 
Please keep posting so we can support you.  Take care.  Penny x

[Hubby]

Hello keeley. Welcome to the forum.

I am very sorry to hear of your loss. Anger is one of the emotions that comes as part and parcel of grieving. I'm afraid my anger made me the customer from hell to many retail staff over the past nine months and I wish I could somehow apologise to them all.

I'm sure those who have been through bereavement do understand just as we all do on here. 'Normal' conversations are a difficult one. People are scared of saying the wrong thing and 'tread on eggshells' around the bereaved but I would rather have an awkward conversation with someone rather than them cross the road to avoid any conversation as some people do.

I'm hoping your return to work isn't as bad as you imagine and wishing you the strength to cope with the awkward ones (and secretly hoping we don't unknowingly run into each other in a retail situation)

 

[Deb63]

Welcome,and sorry to hear of your loss.
ive been through every emotion there is,it drains you completely,and the frustrating question of *why*...hope you find some peace here :)

huge hugs to you 

[Emz2014]

Sending a welcome hug    I remember this well, for quite some time I didn't feel like me, didn't recognise my responses and impatience/anger, but it did get easier in time  xx

[LunaLu]

Thank you. I was watching a programme about people using online forums so thought I'd give it a go. I've been through grief when I lost my mum but I was only 12 so I can't even be sure it was all dealt with. I still have full on melt downs. My brother seems to be coping so well he's back at work and carrying on although he refused to do anything at Christmas except be angry with others, yet the dread I feel in returning to work is so immense it's making me feel really ill.

Working in retail you lose so much of your life and all I keep thinking now is I don't want to be that person. I don't want to spend my entire life working and missing out on life and events because I have to be at work to serve others some of whom are so rude it's a wonder how they've got to be where they are. I'm so angry at everything that the smallest things trigger me off. I returned to work before but came out again after a massive break down and the pressure to return has been so bad I feel like I have no alternative but to return to work. 

How do you cope with this amount of anger and resentment?

Xx

[Emz2014]

Not sure on the anger/resentment, but I went through a stage where I did so much reading/research, trying to find purpose and meaning again, it included alot of spiritual reading including things like Buddhism. In a way I absorbed bits that felt relevant to me and rediscovered some understanding/meaning/belief for myself

I also found it hard to maintain motivation for my day job, it made me reevaluate everything - is this what I really want to do?! Is it purposeful?! I was angry I put so much effort in to my work when my dad was going through chemo, balancing looking after him and maintaining my job (I still feel angry about that now and again) It's been a long journey but I have found a new direction and over time I've been retraining. I still struggle with motivation in my work but I have a plan which helps (most of the time).

It was a while into my journey I was in a place mentally where I was able to make progress. But maybe you could start the tentative thoughts/exploration of what do you want to do, what are you interested in, what work would you find fulfilling. Theres several free training options out there to test the waters or try something new to see if you can find it.  But also be gentle with yourself, a feeling of purpose and meaning can be fragile in grief - I still get times when I wonder what the point it - it's a slow and gradual journey xx

[Karena]

I think that frustration of other people,s seemingly trivial complaints is normal regardless of the job. I remember  nearly letting rip at one of my bosses,because he was moaning about his wife being fussy over kitchen cupboard colours.I also remember coming back to an empty house and wondering what was the point.working just to pay for an empty shell and the bills to keep myself the pointless person warm such a waste.

I did and am still doing some of the free online courses Emz mentions and gradually realised the point of going to work was not always having to have a job that is worthwhile but that pays to allow you to do things outside it that are, or that allows you to do something worthwhile.I still have the same job but do some charity stuff in my own time The courses helped me find a way to use skills I had to do that.

As customers we are all humans and sometimes when things are bad going into a shop and getting a smile or greeting from the shop assistant can make our day.For the lonely that might be the only human contact they have,so neither should you underestimate the value of your job,in terms of the difference it can make to some ones life,even though you may never know you did it.
 I agree your that what happened to your mum may also be part of this I have found that one grief can also trigger earlier ones and the age you were then and losing them both the same way is such a difficult thing.Perhaps if you havnt already thought of doing it some bereavement counselling might help,but also being here does help none of us are professionals but all of us have experience.

[LunaLu]

Thank you! What and where are the courses you are referring to please? I think they could be really useful. I am hoping to redevelop my love for life but I am struggling with it all.

I did love my job just before my Dad passed I was given a promotion at work and I was able to start leading by example but my heart just isn't there. I don't want to be working all my life and missing out on life. My Dad did that and look where he has ended up. I like working with people and I've always naturally been a bubbly person but I'm just not that person as it stands right now and no matter what I try I cannot just resort back to that person. I cannot locate the 'joy' in everything even though I know my Dad wouldn't want me moping about. Work seemed to have the impression I was hibernating at home and not doing much when in reality all I have tried to do is get myself through life every day knowing that I cannot see and talk to the one person I want to.. Does that make sense?

I've been doing spiritual stuff I was able to read tarot cards, and psychic stuff but I've turned away from it since my Dad passed because I don't think I could cope with other things. I know that some people don't believe in all that kind of thing but I don't force it on others.
I'm reevaluating everything but my current day job just isn't working alongside with trying to cope with everything all at the same time you know.

xx   

[Emz2014]

Future Learn are owned by the Open University, have a range of courses, which are refreshed often, all free. The courses are supplied by various universities, I have completed a few.  A couple in particular I really enjoyed.  If you also search MOOC (massive open online courses) you will find other suppliers, I've only tried futurelearn myself

You are still quite early on your journey, I was in my 2nd year when I found more drive and direction. Be gentle with yourself, you will regain a sense of 'you' again  baby steps and plenty of TLC for yourself. xx