Struggling with loss of my Mum

[FallingApart]

Hi,

My Mum died a week ago. She had had dementia for a few years and she hadn't really been my mum for years, but she died incredibly fast with a chest infection.

As my mum hadn't recognised me for years, and had had a complete personality transformation (not for the better) I thought I'd feel relieved when she went. As it is, I feel nothing at all. My Dad is devastated. I just feel like the depression I have suffered from since my sister died a few years ago is back worse then it ever has been before. My head feels black. All I do is beat myself up about everything I am doing.

I went to the doctor last week and got written off work for a week because I just could not face it. I don't feel any better now though, and I have no idea what to do. I can't go back to work, but I can't stay off forever either. Maybe it'll do my good to go back and to pretend to be normal, or maybe the anger and irritation I feel at everything right now means work is not the best place for me. I have no idea what to do for the best.  I have no idea who even to ask for advice. I could try and see the doctor again but am I wasting her time, and will she tell me just to go back to work? And will I even be able to get an appointment? Do I just need to get on with it? Am I being self absorbed by just wallowing?

I'm not even sure if the obsessive worry about whether I need to be back at work is real or if it's just more mentally convenient than having to think about my Mum and how my Dad is coping.

I have no idea what to think, or do, or who to ask for any help, hence the post. Would appreciate any advice if anyone has any.

[Hubby]

Welcome to the forum. I am so sorry to hear of your recent loss.

I wish I could give you answers to your questions but, like the other members, I am muddling through bereavement and realise that that there are no definitive answers. We all grieve differently but there are common experiences we share.

You say you feel nothing at all but it is only a week since you lost your mother. One of the common experiences is the numbness of the early days when we have not had time to fully take in what has happened. It is as if we are operating on auto pilot while our brain tries to make sense of what has happened.

You have experienced bereavement before and your mind will go back to that time as it is a similar situation to the one you now find yourself in. That is probably why the old feelings are returning.

The thing that stuck out for me from your post was that you thought you would feel relieved at your mothers passing. Sadly I don't think we are able to prepare for a death. There may be some slight relief that our loved ones suffering has ended but that is often overshadowed by the huge hole it leaves in our lives.

It is probably wise to stay off work for a while but from experience there is a downside to it. I was off work for months after losing my wife but, with hindsight, it was far too long. I was staying in the house wallowing in my grief and dreading going back to work. When I did finally go back I realised that work was the only bit of normality I had left. In the main it kept me occupied and Distracted me from thinking about my loss for part of the day. It wasn't easy but it was much better than sitting around the house with dark thoughts running around in my head.

I wish you strength.

 

[FallingApart]

Thank you very much for your lovely and thoughtful reply. I think you're completely right about not being able to prepare for a death.  I am also sitting at home letting the dark thoughts run around my head.

I have spoken to my doctor and she has written me off work for another week. I'll try my hardest to get my routine back and be ready for work next week as I think it will help.   This week is just too early, but I will start preparing myself for next week. 

[Emz2014]

Be gentle with yourself, grief is a total rollercoaster. There's lots of emotions and you will need to give yourself TLC as it is exhausting.

Let yourself rest this week, try not to put pressure on yourself.  Will your work be understanding and let you do a phased return when you're ready? That might help give you balance between having routine and time to rest

Hope it helps talking with us here. It's a lovely friendly bunch here xx

[Karena]

Work can be a distraction but my advice would be to think about a bolt hole, and think about somewhere you can get out and have a brisk walk to clear your head at lunchbreak for example.It very much depends on what youyr job is,also if you have a colleague you like and trust that you can talk too it might help.You could also request  a phased return ,just to ease you back in.
I don't think anything prepares us fully even when someone has been Ill for a long time,and because of her Alzheimer's your grief for your mum as you knew her will have been building for a long time. all you can really do is be there to support your dad as much as possible.Even if you can't see him everyday ring him every day.My daughter did that and even now 5 years later when i have got more used to being on my own still does most days. it does help knowing the phone will ring even if its just to say goodnight to each other.

[Hubby]

Good advice as always Karena.

I can always slip out to my van, into one of the containers or go and tidy the compound that nobody has visited for years if things get too much. They know when not to disturb me. It doesn't happen often but it's nice to know there's a quiet place.