You say you are 'still' feeling despair BT. It sounds as if you, like me, expected the intense grief to have subsided at six months. We know now that it keeps on popping up when we least expect it. I used to think grieving lasted a fortnight or so until the funeral. That is the impression I got from other people who had lost someone because they become so good at hiding their grief.
I'd wager good money that some of those people you were trying to hide your tears from were also hiding their own tears.