Six months

[Karena]

  sorry you had a bad weekend.they will come and go like this.I think as nights get longer and days darker many people suffer from feeling depressed and grief amplifies that.
If you havnt already, get a photo of that little boy in your wallet where you can access it all the time,so when you get those dark thoughts take a look at that little ray of sunshine that helps make life worth holding on too,and try to focus on him think about his firsts coming up in life that you want to be here for.

[Julie Magson]

Sorry Hubby- difficult days I know X

[Hubby]

Thanks for the replies. It was a rough weekend. It could be the lousy weather keeping me indoors that set me off. So many triggers.

Today was fine. I got a bit upset after work when I attempted to start tidying the front room. Practically the first thing I picked up was a cuddly toy which I thought was Billy's at first. Then I realised I bought it for Margaret on Valentine's Day a month before I lost her. Needless to say clearing up stopped there. I wonder if I'll ever be able to sort that room out.

I've got five weeks annual leave left to take before the end of the year. Thing is I don't want to take it.  Work gives me a reason to get up, keeps my mind occupied and gets me out of the house. At this stage I can't think of anything I fancy doing less than staying at home all day for a week let alone five. I've applied for next week off but I'm already regretting it.

[Julie Magson]

I'm like that with work Hubby- that's another thing this has spoiled for me. Hate it when we have to have holidays now.

[Brian71]

I agree,  having a job of work,  must help a little I'm sure, and your right holidays are particularly lonely times too,   where of course they should be fun and enjoyable times you can look back on with much fondness.

I've been away 4 times, a total of about 6 weeks since Ann passed away,  feeling I need to get away for a while,  but all I'm really doing is moving my loneliness and grieving from my home to a hotel room or whatever, and of course you start to think to yourself how she would be enjoying this now,  but because she's not there,  it's no longer enjoyable.

Well Julie you can imagine what it's like when your at home 24/7....it's pretty awful, so you do have to get out and try to do something with what's left,  my only consolation is that financially I'm comfortable, so I don't have those worries,  but that seems so very unimportant now,  it all means NOTHING!.

You nice people take care,  time for me to shower, shave and get ready...I'm out this evening.
Best wishes....Brian

[Karena]

Hubby could you ask your boss to defer the remainder until you feel up too it

.I,m the opposite work is so dull it confines me too a place and doesn't distract me at all.I don't spend holidays in hotels alone though One week is spent watching and recording dolphins.I do go with a friend but there are enough people I know there that I wouldn't hesitate to go on my own.Of them only one is in communication the rest of the year the dolphins are the thing that binds us. Then we go back to our everyday lives. The other three I spend in south Africa some of that with my daughter but also done voluntary work there,on school permaculture projects and wildlife conservation which is not only distracting but rewarding too.Its always the commonality of an activity that draws people together and for me overcomes the social barriers I feel in every day life.There are other options out there,retreats,courses,or for you abrian I think you said your group do coach holidays.

Its early days for all of you and I understand the difficulty's but they can be overcome when you feel stronger,there are alternatives to what you did before that don't have to be lonely.

[Hubby]

Thanks for the replies.

I can't get the holidays deferred. It's use it or lose it unfortunately. Going away would also be a problem as I would have to arrange something care for Billy and my daughter so my five weeks will probably be spent in the house which is not really where I want to be right now. It's a shame that holidays are no longer something to look forward to but that may change.

I've never really been abroad since I got married. Margaret wouldn't go on a plane or a ship which sort if left us landlocked. I was happy with a week in Blackpool and a week in a cottage. I must say that your hols sound pretty exciting compared to that Karena.

I've had a pretty good day in work. Other than the occasional job that really needs doing I'm still pretty much left to my own devices and I'm using the time to tidy up the depot and get stuff done that needs doing but never gets time allocated to it. I don't think I'll be going back to my normal job on nights hill next year.

I had to break off from work for my monthly doctors appointment today. There was stuff I didn't tell him because I don't want him upping my meds. That would bring me a world of grief from the HR department and I've only just got the go ahead to resume normal duties.

I've promised myself I won't go to the grave alone until I'm better able to cope with it. My youngest is going to go with me tomorrow so I stopped off at ASDA to try and get a cyclamen plant to put on he headstone but they didn't have any. I did manage to get a bag full of whoopsied meat and cakes though. 

On the way home from there I had to drive past the cemetery and that prompted my biggest cry if the day. I've had a few very short sobs and even this one only lasted ten minutes or so.

Another of my 90% days done. Not the best but a great improvement on the weekend.

[Emz2014]

Could you plan lots of day trips out during your leave from work? Pack a flask and some snacks, get Billy in the car (your daughter too if she's home) and go exploring. Will get you out during the day and probably wear you out a bit so the eves you'll be happier to rest?   xx

[Norma]

Aw hubby sirry youve not been feeling too good, i do understand what you mean about not wanting to stay hone, especially if youre not feeling motivated to do anything, we do need something to focus on,
The group Brian has joined sounds goid for getting out and meeting new people,  which from our meet in Leeds we know its good therapy.  Not sure tgeres anything like Brians group in your area. Know there isnt in mine but dont know if youve heard of U3A, try googling it and adfing your home  town in, there's loads of different activities on there, i.e social, walking, singing, drama groups. Not sure youre ready fir the Knit and natter or the cake decorating groups though

 

But seriously it is worth checking out, take care xx

[Brian71]

Another option Hubby,  is to drive down to Herefordshire and have a few days with me,  I can show you around the area, and won't cost anything...lol...other than fuel to get down here,  I can even pick you up...would love your company for a few days.

Daughter and 2 girls are coming this Saturday till Tuesday or Wednesday,  after that I've nothing planned...think about it.

A few nice meals out and you can accompany me to one of those social group meetings too if your up for it.   

[Norma]

There you are hubby an offer on the table for you xx

[Julie Magson]

What a lovely offer Brian.

[Karena]

I think Emz,s idea is good too,but preplan otherwise you might end up not feeling like it on the day,not really having any idea what you actually want to do..and then spiralling into doing nothing.
Another idea might be to take everyone for a minibreak,out of season is usually cheap.haven do midweek four nights half the price of the week,or look at forest holidays or similar for a log cabin just a novelty but plenty of space for little one to play or at haven kids clubs etc .

Nothing wrong with nit and natter Norma although how on earth you concentrate on knitting with nattering and how do you manage two needles with a glass of proseco in one hand and the bottle in the other.crochet and cal would be easier.

[Emz2014]

Depending on where you're based and what you like, I've found the 'Wild Guide' books good, finding new lesser known places to explore xx

[Hubby]

Thanks for all the replies and suggestions especially Brians generous offer. I may take you up on that at some point Brian but would have to arrange for my daughters boyfriend to stay at mine to look after her and billy.

I don't have a car. I gave it up years ago when I realised that, for the mileage I did, it was cheaper to get taxis than run a car. I could pick up shopping on the way home in the works van and for long distance travel I get 16 days free train travel per year. (I used on to get to the Leeds meet)

Days out sounds a good idea. There are plenty of places I could get to and even tourist attractions here in I have never visited. I don't think the knitting is for me but I could do with learning to darn socks.

Today has been up and down. Bit of a cry driving into work at 6am then the morning went fine. It was counselling day today and I had a cry there. Then I had to hang around the city centre waiting for contractors to finish so I could reconnect a fire alarm. That was difficult. With nothing to occupy me I sat on a bench watching people pass by with the occasional sneaky weep.

I had arranged to go to Margarets grave with my youngest daughter and I bought a nice little rose plant to take. The contractors worked till half five and by the time I got to the grave with my daughter it was dark. I cut the grass with hand shears and generally tidied up as best I could. I was glad I wasn't there alone.

I came home and had a good sob before doing tea.

I'd say it was a 75-80% day.