Six months

[Hubby]

What a day. It feels like I've crammed a week into it.

I got up and managed to get myself motivated. I've done loads of little jobs around the house and garden. Painting, pointing, pruning a bit if waterproofing and a tidy up of the yard. I also managed a small foray into looking at some stuff in the bedroom and filled a large bag with new shoes if Margarets fir the charity shop before that got too upsetting and had me wailing. I also had a go at clearing he table in the front room but finding a stack of Margarets birthday cards set me off again.

We had a bit of family turmoil. Before she died Margaret was planning a surprise 80th birthday party for her mum. She had loads of stuff booked and my eldest daughter took over the task as it was her mothers wish. Absolutely everything was sorted and paid for. The venue, the disco, catering, banners, balloon arches, my daughter has paid for most of bit herself. Last week she sent out the invitations. Today some halfwit told my mother in law he was looking forward to her 'surprise' party. He tried to backtrack but the game was up.

My mother in law never liked parties and she has said she can't face up to having one especially as Margaret won't be there. She even said that Margaret would never plan a party for her. This upset my eldest who stood to lose around £900 if it was cancelled and wanted it to be a success as it was her mums last project. My mother in law will not back down but I think we've come to a compromise in renaming the party an engagement party for my daughter and hopefully we can tweak a few of the arrangements.

Later on my other daughter came in with her bloke and my grandson. Poor little fella has a terrible sore throat,probably from starting st nursery, but he still lifted our spirits with his smiles and laughter.

I think I've had three or four cries today. Good ones, not some half hearted little sniffles, but despite them and he but if conflict I think it was quite a reasonable day.

[Karena]

Oh my goodness what sort of halfwit does that.I,m glad you found a compromise . Hope the little chap gets over his sore throat quickly.One of mine started school last month,and has already had glandular fever a stomach bug and now an ear infection.The eldest crashed his bike on the way to school on Friday and ripped his arm openLuckilly was wearing his helmet,and the road was quiet or things might have been worse.Grandkids certainly keep you on your toes,but after this weekend not sure they keep you younger.

[Hubby]

Thanks Karena.

My daughter has set about changing the arrangements today and there are only a couple of things that can't be adjusted to the new theme.

Slept through all four alarms this morning but still managed to get to the depot pretty early. I kept myself busy all day doing little jobs tidying and improving the place. I dropped off in town on my way home to get some presents for my Jack Russell, Billy, as it's his 7th birthday on Friday. (I hope he doesn't read this) and a mate popped around at teatime which relieved the boredom if the house a bit.

Best thing is not a single cry. I have been thinking about Margaret a lot but mainly happy stuff. Most days even happy thoughts will set me off but today was one of those rare days when I could enjoy the memories without having to pay in tears.

There's still my bedtime cry to come but it's been a good day.

I'm hoping for a few more to recharge my batteries. 

[Emz2014]

Sounds a good day :-) Aww what have you got for Billy's birthday?  Xx

[marvil296]

Hi hubby I like that you got your dog Billy a birthday present.I do that with my wee dog.They are so loyal and a great comfort to you.I would be lost without mine.

[Hubby]

Thanks for the replies.

I've git Billy a big squeaky rabbit. I don't know why because he destroys the squeaks in seconds but it will be fun watching him running round the house with it and refusing to give it up.

After posting last night I was feeling really positive so I decided to look through some photos on my phone. That was a mistake and my nightly weep turned into a wail. One day I will be able to do it but it wasn't last night that's for sure.

I got up on the first alarm today which was strange as I had an appointment with the occupational health doctor and could have had a two hour lie in. I took the train to Manchester and had s leisurely walk around. The doctors appointment seemed to go well but I have to wait till their report goes to my boss to see how well.

I was hoping to get out and paint this afternoon but it started raining just as I got home. I took a big bag of Margarets new shoes I found on Sunday to the charity shop and did a bit of shopping while I was out. I felt really tired for some reason and I've come to bed early. I had a bit of a big cry when I first came upstairs but that's passed now.

I doubt I'll go to sleep straight away I need a bit if alone time.

Not a bad day though even if I didn't get much done.

[marvil296]

Hi hubby That's nice what you got Billy.Its fun to watch them with their toys.They can be so cheeky.My wee dog keeps me going.I think you are doing fine.Its hard looking at photos.I was down at mums again today sorting out her house.Its so hard though.She has that much stuff.I thought I was a horder,mum wins It will take ages sorting all her stuff.I have filled 2 bags with all her scarfs alone.So far I have found about 75. Also 10 umbrellas.And enough bottles of perfume to open a shop.Thats mum though she always bought lots of what she liked.Feel quite tired though ,must have filled about 25 bags.And 10 bags of rubbish.That was all tupperweare boxes.Ive done the bathroom and the kitchen.And some of her clothes in the bedroom.Me and mums song came on the radio today again.  Leona Lewis Run.I take that as a sign she is fine.It makes me cry though.Its good to cry and not bootle it up.Least Ive made a start though.It was so hard though.Take care.

[Karena]

Meant to say last nightMarvil, perhaps you could make her scarves into a quilt,or get someone to do it for you,might be a way to remember happy occasions she wore them.
When it comes to hoarding stuff I fear my daughters will say the same of me,I am trying to declutter but my big problem is not my stuff,there,s very little that's mine,but inherited from everyone I have lost which makes it difficult to part with.
Hubby
I hope Billy enjoys his birthday. and doesnt read about his present,you will have to keep your password hidden from him.My dog was a great companion its 4 months since I lost him and there are still times I come through the door half expecting him to greet me,then on Saturday night I found a new element to that loss,when a noise woke me.Normally I would look to him for a reaction no reaction would mean no problem reaction would give meprotection if I needed it,but this time I had to deal with it on my own,i didnt find anything but had little sleep then got so anxious wondering what it could have been there was no sleep Sunday night either.perhaps I should be more wary of what I watch or read on a night,and curb my imagination.

I like Manchester .If I,m passing through or going to the airport I always try to leave plenty of time for a stop off and quick wander round . I,m glad you are remembering more happy times now. 

[marvil296]

Hi karenea thanks for the idea about the scarfs.I think that would be lovely.I took a lot of my mums crystal glasses today and my grans wedding dishes that my mum had, to be passed on to me now.I came in today with 2 bags of stuff.So sorry to hear about your dog that's a shame.My house is so quiet to.It would be worse without my wee dog.You do hear all kind of noises when you stay yourself.x

[angela33]

Yes my Westie (Harris) has been a life/sanity saver on so many occasions over the past 10 months.  As you say Karena if the dog isn't bothered by things that go bump in the nigh then I can turn over and go back to sleep but otherwise I'm staring into the dark imagining all kinds of things. Youre so right about being careful about what you read or watch before bedtime. I tend to wake early and lie worrying about all kinds of things - imagination can be a blessing or a curse sometimes. Last week I had an ENT appointment as I had been experiencing small amount of hearing loss particularly in the right ear.  Thought I would just have a hearing test and a chat about hearing aids, but ended up having the dreaded nasal scope procedure which is horrible and the consultant confirmed that there was an imbalance in the loss (although mild) and said I needed an MRI to find out why. Having done the wrong thing on returning home and researched n Google reasons for MRI in these circumstances, have terrified myself as what it will be looking for is something called an acoustic neuroma which is a "benign" brain tumour - benign coz it doesn't spread through the body, but not good in that treatment is surgery, radio/chemotherapy and a definite side effect is total loss of hearing in affected ear and possible paralysis of the side of face so doesn't sound benign to me! Don't know when the MRI is yet and follow up isn't till January, so plenty of time worry myself to death in the meantime.  Another area where its dreadful being alone with no-one to about fears and no-one to give the comfort that a loved partner is so good at. Get so frightened sometimes.

[marvil296]

Hi Angela so glad your westie Harris is a comfort to you.My westie Clyde is my comfort I talk to him as I have no one for support either.My mum and husband were a great support .Its so hard when your used to there support and you don't have it anymore.Take care try not to worry .Marvil x

[angela33]

Thanks Marvil. Good to know there's another Westie Mum out there. Such special little dogs!

[marvil296]

HI Angela They are very special wee dogs,so clever.I collect fridge magnets Ive got lots of westie ones.My husband got me a nice one about how special westies are .x

[angela33]

With love from Harris to you and Clyde!

[Karena]

  try not to worry too much easier said than done I know.