I am so sad. My husband lost his father the weekend before last. They were staying with us when it happened, there was no warning, he had a silent heart attack in the early hours of Sunday morning. We are all in shock and heartbroken, but are dealing with our grief in our own personal ways, which for my DH and his mum is to be practical and to carry on as close to normal as possible, which I applaud. But I can't seem to. He was so much more than just a father in law to me, I had lived with them in the early years of my DH and I being together and feel that I have lost not just a very close friend but also a parent. As there was no obvious health issue, there had to be a post mortem, the results for which we had last week, but due to the time of year, the funeral will not be until next Thursday. I am struggling to sleep, as keep replaying the sight of my DH performing CPR on my FIL who we now know had already passed, and the sounds accompanying that sight, everytime i pass or go into the room, which i make myself do everyday. We were both off work last week, and I have been able to do reduced hours this week, but I am struggling to return to normal. My DH has gone back to work and though I know he is heartbroken and it is the hardest thing he has ever gone through, I feel guilty that I am the one who cannot stop crying and as much as I hate to admit it, I am upset that he has not cried, he does not deal with things in that way, but I want him to cry, I know, it is a very odd and wrong thing to want. I have spoken to my dr who has given me some sleeping tablets and I have an appointment with a IAPT therapist next week. I want to be able to take my DH hurt and sadness away and just hold him and he has told me that I am helping him, by being the one who kept the children out of the room when the paramedics were here, by telling them what had happened and by staying with them whilst his body was taken away, and by doing the school runs and normal everyday things with them for the past week and a half to keep their lives as normal as possible. But I dont feel like I am helping him because I don't feel like I can get past my own grief, work is a nightmare, having to take bookings and carry on phone conversations as if nothing has changed and I am dreading going in everyday for fear of crying in frot of people. I feel like I am wrong to be so upset, as he was not my father and that as it was nearly 2 weeks ago now I should be fine and just forget about it and carry on like everyone else seems to be. I am constantly shaking and feeling on edge, very much like I did when my grandmother was dying 2 years ago and I was prevented from telling my mother by another family member as they were away at the time, though in the end she was able to return in time to say goodbye.I was diagnosed with anxiety depression after this and struggled for months to be with other people even very close friends and though my doctor has said I am suffering from shock now and could go back on the antidepressants I am reluctant too. Has anyone else had a similar experience, and if so, what would your advice be? Thank you.
