How do I go on?

[Gogga12]

Hi All,   How do I go on?
8 weeks ago my husband Alan, with whom I'd been for 23 years got taken from me so very, very suddenly.
He had been out cutting the grass, popped his head around the door and asked what time it was. I said 2.05 pm, are you coming in for some lunch? Yes he said put the kettle on. Only minutes went passed, I carried on doing things in the kitchen, and realised he hadn't come back in. I went out the side garden gate and there he was....at my feet, flat on his back, blood pouring from his head, already blue around the lips and no pulse. So many emergency services arrived, rapid response, ambulance and air ambulance. Neighbours had come to help and did CPR following instructions from 999 services on the phone. They worked on him for 40 minutes, shocking him, pumping him with drug after drug. I had to follow to the hospital by car and when I got there he was on life support. That's it .... gone ..... a blood clot to the lung.

We were each others world, where one was so was the other, never apart, never wanting to be apart. If we sat on the sofa we held hands, if we walked down the street we held hands, always we held hands and hugged and cuddled and laughed, always there for one another. Now there is nothing.  Just this big empty void where my heart once was and I don't know how to go on.

We only moved here 2 years ago, into a bungalow that is still being renovated to be near my Son and two grandsons, a new start, a new life, we have no friends around, all left 150 miles away. My Son, although supportive, says he can't help as he has no idea what I'm feeling or what I'm going through. The youngest Grandson,  two & a half, doesn't understand why he can't see his beloved Gang Gang (Grandad) this afternoon, the other, nearly five, cries because he misses his fun loving Gang Gang and doesn't understand why he won't see him any more. How do I explain when I don't understand myself. How can I tell them not to cry when my own heart is breaking and that's all I do myself?

I cry until I think I can't cry anymore but I always do, always the tears keep coming, my eyes are raw and my heart is a physical pain and sometimes the hurt is so great I don't feel I can breathe anymore. Every time I close my eyes I see the horror that I found on that sunny afternoon, the horror that turned my world so black and so empty. I try to keep busy so I don't think but I'm exhausted, so utterly fatigued and devoid of any energy or purpose. Is this normal, is this all part of grief?

Already the nights are drawing in and I dread the Autumn & Winter even more then I dread waking up in the morning to this big void that is now my world,  my life. I don't know how to go on.... I don't know that I even want to. Please help.

[Emz2014]

The only answer to 'how do I go on' is with small baby steps. 
Sorry for your loss, which was so so sudden.
Grief hurts, it can physically hurt at times.  Its a rollercoaster journey, which moves along slowly.  But time does help, over time we learn how to cope, and the pain loses its rawness. It happens gradually.  Hold on in there, be gentle with yourself. Take each day, day by day and on a bad day take it hour by hour if need be.  It won't feel like it now but it will get easier to cope.  Keep talking with us, everyone here understands the rollercoaster and we help each other along when the dips come  xx

[pennyking]

So sorry for your loss. 

As Emz has said it's a case of baby steps.  I lost my husband over 5 years ago.  He too collapsed at home and was gone by the time I got upto the hospital.  My sons where 9 at the time and they are what have got me this far.  Take each day as it comes.  Keep talking to us it does help putting your feelings down in writing and please know your no completely alone, we are all here to support each other.
Take care Penny x

[Norma]

My heartfelt condolences for your loss, it must have been so hard to write your post, i lost my hubby suddenly almost 2 year ago, all i can say to you hun, is that your loss will get easier to bear, you will learn to cope, but it will take time. Like Emz as said take baby steps, your son will be grieving for his dad but in a different way to you, all you can do is support one another, your grandchildren willbecome the focus that will get you through, young children are resilient, they dont feel the pain as we do, but in all honesty we wouldn't want then too would we.  Have you thought of making a memory  box for them, things to remember there granddad by as they get older  xxx

 

[Julie Magson]

Hello    8 weeks for you, 12 for me so I can sympathise with every emotion you are feeling. Yes I'm afraid it is all 'normal' at this stage, which I hope helps you to know that in some way. I think most of us feel like we don't want to go on alone- my Alan, like your Alan was my world, just my everything. Being on here is helping me very much as I hope it will help you to know that everyone understands each step and just 'knows' what we each mean. It's the hardest thing we have ever had to do, we have to take baby steps and by that I mean even achieving something like changing the bedding is an achievement so try and be aware of that. You need to cry, it's a very necessary and essential part of relieving the pain a little. Let the little ones cry and cry with them. Keep posting- we are all here for you X

[Gogga12]

Thank you all for replying. Yes you are so right 'baby steps'. But oh how even those are a struggle. I find myself worse in these last couple of weeks then in the very beginning. Why is that? I thought I was coping!  You are so right Julie, I should be pleased that I've bothered to change the bed but I'm not....these are the easier things,  things I coped with every day anyway, some cleaning,  cooking, paperwork,  paying bills etc. In that respect I'm thankful that it is Alan that has gone and left me behind, he wouldn't have known where to start on paying a bill nor cooking. Nor dealing with this grief, I'm so thankful he doesn't know this grief, I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. But yes even the normal things are a struggle, I'm so frustrated with this endless tiredness. So dreadfully tired but still up at 1 or 1.30 am because unless I'm more then ready to fall asleep there is no point in going to bed, laying there, empty, crying.
It's the stupid things I find I'm getting angry with. I have mobility problems and I'm frustrated that I can't carry the shopping properly. Drop something on the floor and can't always pick it up. That the rubbish bin or garden bin is proving too heavy for me too move. Such stupid, stupid things that he always did for me and I took them for granted.
I got upset just this evening because I've realised some treasured plants in pots in the garden have all died off where I didn't water them in the hot weather because I couldn't carry the watering can. Now they shall need replacing but I don't have the ability to get rid of what's died. I'm frustrated at ringing endless numbers tor gardeners who will do a bit of work- cutting things back - but won't do anything on a regular basis like cut my grass that I can't manage.
I'm angry too at people saying 'you look well' when I feel so bloody rubbish....they have no idea how I break down as soon as I come into an empty house on my own. No idea how long the evenings and weekends are, how much I cry. Do they expect me to be over this in just 8 weeks? It's a continual repeat of the day of the funeral, everyone left to go back to their lives and picked up where they left off. What did I have to go back to? What was I suppose to do with the rest of my life? So many said 'if you need anything let me know' and 6 weeks after the funeral I've barely heard from a single one of them.
Anyway, my rant for the day of what's weighing heavy on my chest. Now for another endless night.
Thank you all. It means so much to know someone is out there and feels exactly as I do.

[Emz2014]

That all sounds so familiar   
I went through phases when I would react in ways I didn't recognise as myself. Took time, but I found 'me' again, albeit a slightly different me
Unfortunately people who have never lost people think all is OK again after the funeral, little do they understand the truth
And sometimes just when we think we're coping we seem to hit a rough patch, but that's normal on the grief rollercoaster. Be reassured, if you feel you've taken a step back, you're doing OK. I think sometimes our brain only releases a certain amount of emotion,  then once we've mastered that it unleashes more. Be gentle with yourself, all these emotions are right for you, just keep gently taking that step forward and taking a little rest when you need xx

[Hubby]

Hi Gogga12.

I think everything you write is familiar to most of us who find ourselves in this horrible position. The myriad of feelings, the backward steps, the tiredness, the putting on a brave face and breaking down once behind our door. It's all part of this horrific grieving process.

One thing you have written that offered me some comfort is that you are thankful Alan didn't have to suffer grief. I had never thought about it that way. I am thankful Margaret didn't have to grieve for me.

You ask how we go on. It changes. Sometimes we go on one day at a time, sometimes it can be hour by hour even minute by minute. There can be a could if bearable days than something knocks us back weeks. We will eventually be able to cope but it's going to be a long journey.

Wishing you strength.

 

[Gogga12]

Thank you Hubby. I'm glad I've been able to help you in some small way regarding our latest partners not having to suffer this grief.
Actually I made a comment yesterday on something you had posted, not totally sure where, I'm still finding my way around the site. It was your comment on the 'cat & mouse' situation that rang so true with me, rather amusing and so very, very accurate!
I've ben reading your journey since your first post after loosing Margaret. In all honesty I think you are doing fantastically well. I hope, in weeks to come, I manage what you're achieving. Well done, pat yourself on the back.
We are all in such a terrible situation, a place none of us ever wanted to be, life has changed forever, it might not be what any of us want or would have wished for but somehow we must find the strength to inch forward.
Hope to speak again. Thanks for your reply. Best wishes for your journey this week

[Soleil]

Hi Gogga,

So very sorry for the enormous loss of your husband. There are no words that could even begin to explain how you must be feeling. You will find on the forum, the most sincere people who have gone through much the same and we all know that grief doesn't disappear after the funeral. Time and time again it is said that people think I'm doing fine but I am not. Reading some of the posts may give you comfort that you are not alone in this journey.

 

[Hubby]

Knowing we aren't alone is, I believe, the most comforting thing about this forum. We learn that the things we thought meant we were losing or minds are actually quite normal and get some idea of The twists and turns to expect.

Best wishes

[Rayvon]

Hi gogga ,
 
I lost my husband 3 mths ago .,so I can identify completely with you. My husband had MS for 31yrs.
It was a relief for him to go , he had suffered enough. It actually felt like a relief for me at first . I went into shock and I was numb at the funeral . But the reality kicked in later. I've been away for six weeks to Spain to stay with my friend . She looked after me , she is a lovely friend . But it's hit me since I got back .
It's so painful and raw , I've been running on adrenalin since I got back but the last few days I've slowed down . I'm not doing as much . I was cleaning and emptying cupboards like a madwoman last week . But I was running away from my feelings . I'm trying to sit and feel the feelings and cry . After that I carry on . I'm resting when I can and listening to music is helping me as well . It's not easy is it , but as many of you have said , it's a day at a time , sometimes a minute at a time . I also feel better when I'm outside , I always have.
Take care and keep posting . I know I will be
 

[Soleil]

Hi

Yes, grieving is one of the most exhausting things we'll do. It's a time to honour yourself and your feelings as much as you can. Sleep, eat and do the menial things that need to be done to get through the day. If you have a good friend who will take you on your terms that is a nice way to help you along. Do not listen to those who say you will be ok soon. No one knows how long your experience will last. I wish everyone was able to know exactly where the light at the end of the tunnel is but we have to patient til we get there. I think running on Adrenalin has it's place, maybe it's a form of denial which is also part of the process but it does catch up at some point so take care to take care.