A bit unusual

[Jan Atkins]

 
It's been a year now since my husband died. A year of getting used to living alone, working six days a week, and trying to get gradually back into offering good pastoral support to me.bees of my churches (3 of them). Don't suppose you get many Methodist ministers on here. I think my past career as a social worker has helped, and I feel I can offer a lot more empathy now. But today I went to see a lady, in a nursing home, only gone there recently. She told me she had only months to live now. She was in bed, on oxygen and glad if the chat. Her husband died of dementia, and her daughter is now suffering from early onset dementia. We talked about the time she had left, her family, her photographs, her funeral plans and losing our husbands. We prayed, shared Holy Communion and she talked thankfully about her life. I drove home feeling that we had connected and it had been a good conversation for both of us. But now I feel very sad, beyond crying sad, and think perhaps writing this may help me to sleep. I am going part time from September and retiring next summer, but feel very isolated, I don't live near my family and the manse (church house) feels empty and though I see many people, I am not really their friend - I am the minister. Need to meet people who I am not ministering to, and need time to do it. Grandchildren are great but font see enough of them. Will try to sleep now.

[Emz2014]

Sending a hug  hope writing your post helped you get to sleep

Try not to worry about the friendships,  friendships often bud and blossom at some of the most unexpected times.  You may find you are the minister now, but when you retire you will have that link with people, they will know/recognise you and when no longer the minister may find you can develop some into friendships, starting by perhaps a suggested coffee when you 'bump' into people. 

With the caring you have done, you may find that is important to you, and you could consider some involvement in some way with charity work when you retire (if you want to of course!), for an example.  Even if just an hour a week, that would include interaction with people, and wherever there is interaction there could be a potential friendship waiting to bloom

When i came here I never expected to feel such part of the group or to make genuine friendships.  We have a meet now and again, and following Bristol it looks like some smaller meets will be happening in various parts of the country, so if one comes up which you can get to I'd recommend it.  Will be nerve wracking at the start, but within minutes of each one I've felt welcomed and relaxed.  You never know but you may meet friends there

When you go part time, have a think about any interests you'd like to pursue, any hobbies like photography? Where I live theres a place which does all sorts of courses throughout the year and that would be a good start for getting to know other like minded people too, whilst progressing a hobby or learning something new

You also have online options, another place I often recommend is Future Learn.  Its owned by the Open University and has a large amount of courses on a wide variety of topics, provided by universities and they are free.  With the courses they encourage you to get involved with other learners, with comments, and can get into discussions on topics. 

Hope i havent babbled on, just a few thoughts to show some of the options and hopefully help you to alleviate some of your concerns a bit xx

[Dave Administrator]

What a touching post Jan and made me also put myself there with that poor woman.

Don't feel alone, you have us as friends now and we are real trust me, plus always here to listen and hold you up when the going gets tough, sort of like now by the sound of it Jan.

[Hubby]

Hi Jan.

Giving support to somebody recently bereaved when still grieving yourself is going to take its toll. I don't think it would be possible to isolate your own grief from the grief you are seeing. You shared a bond with this lady then returned to your empty house where the emptiness hit you releasing another wave of emotions. it is to your credit that you managed to help the lady and control your own feelings while you were there.

You have already identified your need to meet people you are not ministering too. You have to work on your own needs as well as those of others. Do not neglect yourself.

Hoping your feeling a bit better today.

 

[Jan Atkins]

Thanks - yes I know it isnt easy doing my work. I have conducted 3 funerals over the last month, now I am doing more pastoral work and it has been fine. All very different from my own circumstances. But I do wrestle with feelings, including guilt for not doing as much as I used to, or that I am self indulgent, or worse, my faith isnt strong enough! Yet I know it is, we are created as social, feeling people, if we love, we will be hurt, "Jesus wept". "blessed are those who mourn", not "get over yourself those who mourn". So I journey on. Looking forward to meeting a few people in Chelmsford, those who can come. xxx     xx

[Soleil]

Hi Jan,

I think members of the clergy can have a tougher time because of their calling which can make them more isolated. This is a place that would welcome you with no expectations other than to share. I cannot really add more than those who have contributed other than Welcome here always. They are a wonderful group who can relate to what you are going through. 

[Karena]

Hi Jan,I have seen other people come here who have worked in caring roles and struggled over it.If i,m in my office and feel overwhelmed i can leave the room and go sort myself out, but you cant walk out on some-one who is needing your care right there and then.

I am also a widow and isolated, i have children but they dont live nearby i thought i had got used to it but lost my dog  recently and realised i havnt at all. I,m not a joiner of things, i did try in the early days but it didnt work people here already have their own clicks and i have nothing in commmon with most of them but I can also recommend futurelearn.Thanks to Emz,s initial recomendation i have almost completed my 9th course and signed up for the next, not only a wide range of subjects, but also because the courses are set up in a way discussion between students, there are debates, (always polite sometimes funny) people help each other with the course content and at the end of the course you will often find the same people on the next one because of the common interest in a general subject.(beware this is addictive)

It has also given me some pointers to the future, defined what i can and cant do,helped me identify my strengths and see a way to put them together and do something useful with my life. I am too old for new careers and too young to retire,but i,m definitely thinking of overseas voluntary projects when i do,and have done some useful stuff for causes i am interested in supporting without leaving my desk which is what i will settle for now.