Author Topic: Is anyone available today?  (Read 334 times)

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Offline SarahB

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Is anyone available today?
« on: January 18, 2022, 02:40:31 PM »

Please? :cray:

Offline Pep

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Re: Is anyone available today?
« Reply #1 on: January 18, 2022, 05:14:42 PM »
PM'd you

Offline Dave Administrator

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Re: Is anyone available today?
« Reply #2 on: January 18, 2022, 06:07:26 PM »
Thanks for doing that Pep,,,I do hope you can help poor Sarah 1 to 1

But Sarah please open up here too if you feel strong enough to do so, it really does help to pour it all out and not bottle up any hurtful emotions.
Take care and please keep posting however small or large you can manage, we need them.

Offline SarahB

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Re: Is anyone available today?
« Reply #3 on: January 18, 2022, 07:04:01 PM »
Thank you both so much.

I will try to keep it brief.

Basically I thought I had a couple of good friends, we used to do so much together prior to Mum passing away and the usual life things like relationships and babies coming along. I love my best friends children so much and so a lot with them and for them.

My gay friends are a different story, with one pretty much not keeping in touch now and the other who I would be closest to, having to be surrounded by so many people that it is hard for him to make time for anyone. I have never met anyone who has such a need to be known by so many people.

Over Christmas, from about the 17 right through to New Year I was on my own. I bought the kids loads of gifts but my friend didnít make time for me to go into her house, saw me arriving in the street and drove on, her and her husband just waved and I had to leave the gifts on the doorstep.

But that aside, my male friend, Mark, even though I sent a couple of messages saying how lonely and upset I was at being totally (just to emphasise) alone, didnít respond to my cries for help and there was radio silence right up until 29 December. I saw by his social
Media that he was out almost every day and night - heíd flown his new partner in from South Africa for the holidays. I had offered to spend time showing the guy round so to see them out with all these other people was very hurtful.

I was going to keep it all to myself but the chance to talk came about yesterday while we had coffee. I said that I was very lonely and hurt - in a gentle way - that I didnít hear from him at Christmas and thought I would have given my circumstances.

His face went the usual way it does when he asked about anything and he became defensive, angry, cold and hostile. He actually said Ďno I canít take responsibility for that. Iím
Here for you and you didnít reach out it works both waysí.

I tried to explain that I wasnít blaming him but I was hurt but all he could say was I had hurt him by bringing it up. I said ĎMark I have no family I was aloneí and he said Ďwe all have our stressesí.

What was frightening was the complete lack of any empathy or sympathy from him. The coldness was terrifying and all I could do was sob.

He just keeps saying he has nothing else to add, even when I told him that I considered taking my life over the holidays. All he could say was you should have called me even when I explained that I wasnít in a right frame of mind to do anything and thought as my friend he would have at least visited even once during what he knows is a horrible time for me.
Mum only died 2 years ago.

I feel so sick and anxious now and really donít know what to do. Iíd never hurt him but I am shocked by how defensive he became over a small conversation. He has a lot of power and influence over people even referring to himself as the Puppet Master in the past so Iím actually terrified.

Offline Dave Administrator

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Re: Is anyone available today?
« Reply #4 on: January 19, 2022, 07:58:49 AM »
Hello Sarah.

I've read this through a couple of times now, and from an outsiders opinion looking in, you should avoid this "Puppet Master" man as he calls himself like the plague. All he seems to achieve doing for you now is cause you further upset which you certainly can do without and don't need to have to deal with on top of everything else.

Easier said than done breaking off a relationship with a so called friend, as you live in hope all will change with them given time, and you'll all be back to normal again.

Unfortunately this seldom happens Sarah, and long term you are far better finding new genuine friends who will grow to love you through seeing the goodness in your heart you have to offer them.
Take care and please keep posting however small or large you can manage, we need them.

Offline SarahB

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Re: Is anyone available today?
« Reply #5 on: January 19, 2022, 01:09:35 PM »
Thank you Dave.

Can I just ask - what did I do wrong? Was I wrong to tell him how Christmas made me feel?

Offline Dave Administrator

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Re: Is anyone available today?
« Reply #6 on: January 19, 2022, 09:05:01 PM »
Without knowing his demeanour Sarah that's impossible for me to advise you on accurately and be fair.

The answer to what did you do so wrong? Nothing dear lady, you just opened up your heart to him but sadly I think it was falling on deaf ears.

If I have to be brutishly honest the only real red light I would pick up on myself is the fact you mentioned feeling so low you had thoughts of taking your own life.

So I can tell you with conviction during my 21+ years having BUK, is the subject of suicide never goes down well with family, friends or even strangers trying to help you, and sadly will probably run a mile.

Think about it Sarah, who would want to be saddled for the rest of there lives with guilt and blame thinking someone had taken their life because of a careless word they said that may have just pushed that person into actually doing it.

Now I'm not saying for one minute this was why he shyed away in your case, but maybe it didn't help matters for you either, who will ever know?.

So try hard now to pick yourself up and move on Sarah, and if you are still under 90 years old lol, then trust me finding new and loving friends will be very easy to find for someone who is as caring and loyal as you sound to me. :-)

Take care and please keep posting however small or large you can manage, we need them.

Offline Pep

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Re: Is anyone available today?
« Reply #7 on: January 19, 2022, 11:17:04 PM »
Hey Sarah,

You see. It seems that i wasn't the only person with the same advice. We dont wan't to tell you who your friends should or should not be. BUT, you should never be with people who make you feel sad, are controlling or not sympathetic.

Its ok to know and be with people who haven't exeperienced loss like we have. In fact, i have a friend who jokes about loss. (Has a dark dense of humour). But its better that i smile and laugh than being made guilty or makes me feel trapped or emotionally torn.

We want to help you with your grief. But you are being consumed by this toxic behaviour from this person you know.

We are your friends in terms of your grief and are here for you.

I left my wife because of my delayed grieving and i had wrote a letter to her explaining my feelings. But when i showed the letter to my counsellor, the counsellor said to me, "why are you being so appologetic to your wife. What exactly have you done so wrong to appologise for? Losing your family is not your fault"

I want to say to you that you have nothing to appologise for. But its easy for me to say. Have you considered seeing a counsellor?

At the very least, a doctor???

Pep


Offline SarahB

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Re: Is anyone available today?
« Reply #8 on: January 19, 2022, 11:22:23 PM »

I am loyal and I thought at my age it was ok to have just a few close friends. Not the friend after friend after friend and huge groups he seems to need.

I only mentioned the suicide because I was trying so hard to let him know how bad things had gotten when he tried to blame me for not getting in touch. I did try as much as I was capable of at the time. It didnít change anything.

It wasnít a guilt trip.

The lack of empathy and coldness in his eyes is sometimes I wonít forget. I thought he was my best friend but I now see itís best if I donít tell him anything and just pretend all is ok.

I am the complete opposite of him - I like small groups to hang out with but he is constantly surrounded by big ones - even befriending people that a week ago he said he couldnít stand.

Iím really lost. Iím worried no one will want me around now. I never in a million years thought the guy who actually promised my Mum heíd always be there for me, thought it was ok to leave me alone during the hardest time in my year.

Offline SarahB

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Re: Is anyone available today?
« Reply #9 on: January 19, 2022, 11:27:23 PM »
Hi Pep you snuck right in there. I really appreciate your words.

Iíve been to more counsellors than Iíve had hot dinners. NI isnít exactly known for its strong mental health support but I start with yet another counsellor next week.

I think youíre right - the biggest issue I have is clinging on to this person who for the past few years has brought me nothing but grief - pardon the pun - but Iím afraid to let him go because of the influence he seems to have over other people. He told me a whopper of a lie a while ago and managed to convince my other friends he did it Ďwith the best of intentionsí.

So Iím really at a point where Iím afraid I will be left totally alone. I cannot and will not go through another bad Christmas. But I feel like I need permission to walk away.

Offline Pep

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Re: Is anyone available today?
« Reply #10 on: January 19, 2022, 11:52:10 PM »
You have my permission. Only because you are aware and are conscious of his behaviour. Do you realise how powerful you are to know this. You are not nieve here. You know exactly what's going on. This should empower you. Make the right decisions for you and you alone.

I get what you are saying about him influencing others. But remember... being alone is not the same as being lonely. As long as you start to think that you do not need to be with people that makes you sad, you will start to feel positive. Then you can tell yourself "i told them". In your own little way.

My brother and i are different. He cannot stand living alone. He told me himself. But i sense a certain amoumt of loneliness because of our loss.

Im alone, but i am not lonely. I try to give myself hope. Have a small circle of friends (like you) with people who don't care if i dont speak to them in weeks because they respect my space. I have no drama in my life. But i'm also italian so i've just told a lie right there.
 :grin:
Pep

Offline SarahB

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Re: Is anyone available today?
« Reply #11 on: January 31, 2022, 06:25:48 PM »
So I brought it out into the open and the conversation was not well received.

I tried to be as gentle and open and NON-blaming as I could, but when he asked me (Gay 1) how Christmas had went, I told him that I had been so so down that it was frightening and that I thought no one cared. I asked him where he had been, as I noticed he had been out a lot by his pictures on facebook, and I wondered what had happened to the plans we had had such as taking his new partner on sight seeing trips.

I wasn't defensive, I was tearful and kept my voice low.

He IMMEDIATELY went on the defensive. He's done this ANY time I've tried to have an adult conversation with him in the past. Immediate hostility, face like a rubber band, angry eyes, all the time protesting his innocence. I said (for the first time ever!) 'I find it a bit odd that you said you'd always be there for me, yet you knew I was totally alone all over the Christmas period and you didn't even once call or check in...'

He said I had hurt him and he actually said the words 'I won't take that on board'. When I tried to ask him if I could speak he said nastily (it was nasty) 'Yeah you can' but made it clear it would only be when he had finished reading me the riot act. He did the same thing, displayed the same attitude when I told him I knew he'd lied to me about a holiday he went on a few years ago, only to see the truth all over facebook. That wasn't his fault either.

One of the last things he promised my Mum was that he'd 'always be there for me' - and the opposite is true. I have the strongest feeling that he is ok as long as everyone is OK with HIM and believes him to be a good guy. I have finally gotten my eyes opened and I will NEVER confide in him again. Sadly he's just the type of guy who would insist on carrying my coffin, even though it would be down his cruelty that I felt I couldn't open up.

 

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