Hi All, How do I go on?
8 weeks ago my husband Alan, with whom I'd been for 23 years got taken from me so very, very suddenly.
He had been out cutting the grass, popped his head around the door and asked what time it was. I said 2.05 pm, are you coming in for some lunch? Yes he said put the kettle on. Only minutes went passed, I carried on doing things in the kitchen, and realised he hadn't come back in. I went out the side garden gate and there he was....at my feet, flat on his back, blood pouring from his head, already blue around the lips and no pulse. So many emergency services arrived, rapid response, ambulance and air ambulance. Neighbours had come to help and did CPR following instructions from 999 services on the phone. They worked on him for 40 minutes, shocking him, pumping him with drug after drug. I had to follow to the hospital by car and when I got there he was on life support. That's it .... gone ..... a blood clot to the lung.
We were each others world, where one was so was the other, never apart, never wanting to be apart. If we sat on the sofa we held hands, if we walked down the street we held hands, always we held hands and hugged and cuddled and laughed, always there for one another. Now there is nothing. Just this big empty void where my heart once was and I don't know how to go on.
We only moved here 2 years ago, into a bungalow that is still being renovated to be near my Son and two grandsons, a new start, a new life, we have no friends around, all left 150 miles away. My Son, although supportive, says he can't help as he has no idea what I'm feeling or what I'm going through. The youngest Grandson, two & a half, doesn't understand why he can't see his beloved Gang Gang (Grandad) this afternoon, the other, nearly five, cries because he misses his fun loving Gang Gang and doesn't understand why he won't see him any more. How do I explain when I don't understand myself. How can I tell them not to cry when my own heart is breaking and that's all I do myself?
I cry until I think I can't cry anymore but I always do, always the tears keep coming, my eyes are raw and my heart is a physical pain and sometimes the hurt is so great I don't feel I can breathe anymore. Every time I close my eyes I see the horror that I found on that sunny afternoon, the horror that turned my world so black and so empty. I try to keep busy so I don't think but I'm exhausted, so utterly fatigued and devoid of any energy or purpose. Is this normal, is this all part of grief?
Already the nights are drawing in and I dread the Autumn & Winter even more then I dread waking up in the morning to this big void that is now my world, my life. I don't know how to go on.... I don't know that I even want to. Please help.