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Karena:
 :hug: I know you can - the missing doesn't end but becomes part of us and who we are.

I know that i cant have him back in this life or ever have  those times back, but at some point it clicked in my head that by avoiding the things we loved to do and the places we went as a couple i was taking away things i loved as an individual as well,  so here i was sat in this big pit of despair and effectively digging it deeper.
If i could start to put those things back in my life maybe i could  build them higher and find a way to get out - in a way i suppose given it was the first proactive thing i did when i moved here making the pond was a metaphor for that although not an intentional one at the time.
 At the old house my pond digging was a standing joke between us - he thought i was digging a little pond not the lake it turned into but when it was done  he spent hours sitting by it taking photos planting up pulling out blanket weed etc and  in summer when i came home from work that's where i would find him.For me losing the house and having to move from the community and place i knew had been another blow to cope with.

Maybe when your life feels so out of control you hang on to something however small you can control and maybe i had this dream  i would come home from work and he would be sitting next to it waiting or maybe if he was looking from somewhere above he would know where i was by the pond I knew the first one wasn't going to happen but rational thought was not something that offered me any hope.This pond here became something i could put back in my life and building it meant i was in control of something.

 It had to be dug and maybe grief in a weird way requires us to dig deeper first in order to  get out of that pit, the same way if you want to pull some one into a small boat you have to dunk them first and let natural bouyancy help you pull them out. But once the pond digging stops  you literally start filling it. You create a soft bed to protect the liner then the liner has to be folded  and trimmed to fit the space and then stand back and watch as the rainfall fills it then add the pump and landscape and plants one thing at a time and sometimes you need to move them or replace them and all the time it keeps filling up and the wildlife is drawn too it and the plants grow and you can chose whether to keep control or let go of it and as it evolves so do you.Realizing the whole point of the ponds for me has been to build them for nature  i studied  ecology and conservation -  then went back to dolphin watching and called at the CAT center on the way home for something for the pond  and rekindled an interest in permaculture.Rather than trying to fill my life with new things i just couldn't find the motivation to do,  the ladder out of that pit for me was built by going back and using the pieces of the old life that i could still find, as a foundation to build on.

The pit is still there under it all but i keep building around it so i dont fall  back in. I miss him, there isnt a day goes by i dont, but at the same time going back like that is one of the ways he is still very much my motivation and my guide.

Jill:
Well I was at the very bottom of the roller coaster today and then it stopped working.  But I have managed to crank the handle up and get it moving again so the only way is up I hope.  Treated myself to a take-away and tomorrow I am off out for the day.

I get the lightbulb moment of not avoiding things.  I do that a lot!! avoid them I mean!  What you say makes sense.  I ran away from football, cricket, plants, films, records.  In the end you can't run away.  It's a bit like falling over and then you just have to get up again and get on with it.  You can't stay laying on the pavement for ever.  Thanks Karena.  I knew you would understand. 

Karena:
 :hug: well done on getting that roller coaster moving again -i almost went back to bed myself this morning but reisited - enjoy your take away and your day out tomorow - and treat youself to a long soak in the bath with some luxury radox  tonight. :coffeetoast:

i took a weeks leave this week -the first for almost  2 years and on that holiday i was in wales in the sun next to the sea with friends having a good laugh -  but now everyone is staying in the uk and because last year was such a disaster for them the holiday cottages and even the camp-sites have suddenly got too expensive - dont know why i bothered taking this week off the original plan was i was going to camp in the garden and stay away from doing jobs in the house - which was a bit whacky - but at the time it was sunny and warm and i had just pitched a tent to test its waterproof - ness (is that even a word) so it seemed like a good idea then - but naturally of course the weather isnt obliging and although i,m not a fair weather camper when i  go away it didnt seem like such an attractive idea to sit in the garden freezing and wet  so i have mostly been doing jobs that need doing round the house  :rofl:

Then i had an artistic moment and decided to change  the ugly mount on a picture i quite like, For some reason the mount, as it turns out it has been glued to the picture - some-one name was mud when i found that out  :evil:SO then  i had the idea of  using the background of the picture to extend the picture out to the edge of the frame by painting it on the mount .  Who knew colour matching is not as easy with acrylic paint as it is with photoshop -  maybe i should have just painted the mount a better colour instead of trying to be clever but never mind it has a unique look now. :whistle: 

Jill:
Hi Karena, I am sorry to hear that your picture is feeling a bit 'off colour', a bit 'rough around the edges'.  That is the problem when you end up staying at home, you end up doing all those jobs, not good.  Hopefully you will be able to have a good holiday next year or late r this year to make up for it.  You are right about them putting up the prices everywhere and everywhere is booked up.  This is not a good year for holidays.  But having said that I have had some lovely days out to places I have never been before and until now the weather has been fine.

It was a very good idea to put the tent up to test it though.  We did quite a bit of camping and tents are much better now than they used to be.  I am feeling a lot better today.  Thank goodness! J

Karena:
 :hug: Glad you are feeling better.Technically i should have another 3 weeks holiday due (and 4 that i didnt take last year) so maybe there will be a chance later.The picture is looking better now - unique-  but better after a bit more work on my colour matching skills and i picked some french beans from the garden yesterday for my tea today - i have peas as well but they never make it to the kitchen as the child in me still eats them off the plant. :rofl:

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