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Jill:
  I keep thinking 'Who can I tell about this who will understand?' and already, having read what other people have said on here I realise this is the only place where I have found other people who really do understand.  I once read about grief - 'You can't go under it, you can't go over it, you can't go round it, you have to go through it'  I do understand this because you use every trick in the book to avoid it and it comes and slaps you in the face.  I am still struggling sometimes, after losing my husband two years ago.  Every day I keep saying to him "I miss you".  He must have earache from the times I say that out loud. 

There are so many reminders everywhere.  I find it all so painful.  I feel I should be helping other people with their grief at this stage but I am still struggling myself.  When I read what other people have to say, at least I do genuinely understand and sympathise if that counts.My husband didn't die of old age at all, it was just cancer.  I just needed to talk to someone who understands.  Thank you for listening, I appreciate it.  J  :cry:

Ian Haines:
Never let him go! 

The only thing you've been deprived of is his body.
The rest of him would've stayed with you, because it/he would not want to be far from you!

I sometimes say, "To do it, go through it."  I stick with that.  The most important woman who ever entered my life died and I simply won't let go...there is no need/obligation to let go, at all. 

If you could say, aloud, who he'd sooner be with and answer yourself by saying "...with me", then only the body has left the scene of the loss. 

On his birthday, wish him a happy birthday. 
At Christmas, make room for him in your arrangements. 
On Summer walks, assume him to be by your side, and smile, and be happy at that. 

In his world, right now, you're the one without a body, remember.  Live a long and active life and, when the time finally comes, you'll both be in the same frequency and you'll be bodies together, again.  Don't rush that...just wait for it.

In the mean time, build something in his honour and memory, anyway!

Jill:
Thank you so much for replying to my message Ian.  I agree with every word you say.  Although I am really forging ahead with my life and meeting people, I find I am only meeting people who are married or divorced and they don't understand at all what it is to lose the love of your life and most of the time I feel I shouldn't keep talking about my husband, which seems a shame.  But here I can and also when I am with the people who miss him too.  I buy a birthday card, christmas card, anniversary card etc and light a candle and talk to my darling husband.  We were always on the same page about everything, whereas with other people I always have to watch what I say as they may have quite different ideas.  I am sorry you lost the love of your life also. 

I have been trying to deal with this sadness on my own but I think I will come back here and listen to others and sometimes add my penny's worth too.  Thanks again.  Jill

Karena:
Hi Jill. :hug:
I agree with what Ian said but it is so very difficult  especially when you cant speak to people around you about things and even the every day things seem either pointless or 100 times more difficult than they used to be.You have come a long way forward though and sometimes its a good idea to remind yourself of that when things seem be swamping you.

A lot of people who have come here before also found the second year more difficult not because the grief is greater but because in the first year you expect to be swiped by grief you know the "firsts" the anniversaries and events are going to hurt but  expect it to happen less in the second year because you got through all the firsts.

In part i think its because of some kind of hangover from the Victorian concept of a year of mourning after which you could be married off again or no longer would be criticized if you didn't wear black all the time. That was never about feelings and emotions but convenience of putting people in slots but our society seems to have misread that or maybe subconsciously use that convenience in a different way  - they move on with their lives and think you have done the same then are surprised if  they find out you haven't - and because they do that you start to doubt yourself and put pressure on yourself to at least pretend. People stop speaking to you about it so you stop speaking about it too but that doesn't mean you should stop talking about him either. One of the firsts i was dreading was new year - not because we did anything special over new year but because moving to the next year would mean leaving him in the last year -

Sometimes to remind ourselves that we can move forward and take them with us is to have an affirmation of that intention by doing something like some kind of ritual  that might be involving your religion or just going somewhere that meant something to you both ot putting flowers on a grave we all differ in what means something too us.Ever since that first year  i have lit a candle to burn over that midnight period on new years eve.In my mind it was there as a physical light so he could see i wanted him to move with me into the next year. i took the idea  from celtic tradition and also having secured him in the next year on new days day it is about letting go of the bad things of that year and letting in the light of a new year - cleaning the house opening windows and smudging with sage - i know its not everyone's idea of sane - but however its done or whenever, any kind of ritual can have the effect of strengthening and affirming that as you move forward you take your  love forward with you. 

Jill:
Hello Karena,  thank you for your very kind and thoughtful reply.  You are right that, although I am surrounded by people, I really don't have anyone that I can confide in who really understands apart from here, so I will need to look in from time to time so that I am not alone, as it were. 

You are also right about the two year expectation.  You expect the first two years to be tough and then you think it will be easier, which in a lot of ways it is but you can't avoid those reminders.  We moved house a few times and always made a lovely garden together.  That was our thing.  So now every plant, flower and even ponds just make me want those days back again to be honest.  Nothing is the same without him.  I know that's the way it is but I don't have to like it.  I am surrounded by people who care about me now so I am very lucky and count my blessings a lot.  You are right though, I just didn't expect to still miss him so much.   You can't go back so you have to move forward and do new things.  If you can do it, so can I!  Jill

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