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Started by Jill, August 15, 2021, 05:31:31 PM

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  I keep thinking 'Who can I tell about this who will understand?' and already, having read what other people have said on here I realise this is the only place where I have found other people who really do understand.  I once read about grief - 'You can't go under it, you can't go over it, you can't go round it, you have to go through it'  I do understand this because you use every trick in the book to avoid it and it comes and slaps you in the face.  I am still struggling sometimes, after losing my husband two years ago.  Every day I keep saying to him "I miss you".  He must have earache from the times I say that out loud. 

There are so many reminders everywhere.  I find it all so painful.  I feel I should be helping other people with their grief at this stage but I am still struggling myself.  When I read what other people have to say, at least I do genuinely understand and sympathise if that counts.My husband didn't die of old age at all, it was just cancer.  I just needed to talk to someone who understands.  Thank you for listening, I appreciate it.  J  :cry:

Ian Haines

Never let him go! 

The only thing you've been deprived of is his body.
The rest of him would've stayed with you, because it/he would not want to be far from you!

I sometimes say, "To do it, go through it."  I stick with that.  The most important woman who ever entered my life died and I simply won't let go...there is no need/obligation to let go, at all. 

If you could say, aloud, who he'd sooner be with and answer yourself by saying "...with me", then only the body has left the scene of the loss. 

On his birthday, wish him a happy birthday. 
At Christmas, make room for him in your arrangements. 
On Summer walks, assume him to be by your side, and smile, and be happy at that. 

In his world, right now, you're the one without a body, remember.  Live a long and active life and, when the time finally comes, you'll both be in the same frequency and you'll be bodies together, again.  Don't rush that...just wait for it.

In the mean time, build something in his honour and memory, anyway!


Thank you so much for replying to my message Ian.  I agree with every word you say.  Although I am really forging ahead with my life and meeting people, I find I am only meeting people who are married or divorced and they don't understand at all what it is to lose the love of your life and most of the time I feel I shouldn't keep talking about my husband, which seems a shame.  But here I can and also when I am with the people who miss him too.  I buy a birthday card, christmas card, anniversary card etc and light a candle and talk to my darling husband.  We were always on the same page about everything, whereas with other people I always have to watch what I say as they may have quite different ideas.  I am sorry you lost the love of your life also. 

I have been trying to deal with this sadness on my own but I think I will come back here and listen to others and sometimes add my penny's worth too.  Thanks again.  Jill


Hi Jill. :hug:
I agree with what Ian said but it is so very difficult  especially when you cant speak to people around you about things and even the every day things seem either pointless or 100 times more difficult than they used to be.You have come a long way forward though and sometimes its a good idea to remind yourself of that when things seem be swamping you.

A lot of people who have come here before also found the second year more difficult not because the grief is greater but because in the first year you expect to be swiped by grief you know the "firsts" the anniversaries and events are going to hurt but  expect it to happen less in the second year because you got through all the firsts.

In part i think its because of some kind of hangover from the Victorian concept of a year of mourning after which you could be married off again or no longer would be criticized if you didn't wear black all the time. That was never about feelings and emotions but convenience of putting people in slots but our society seems to have misread that or maybe subconsciously use that convenience in a different way  - they move on with their lives and think you have done the same then are surprised if  they find out you haven't - and because they do that you start to doubt yourself and put pressure on yourself to at least pretend. People stop speaking to you about it so you stop speaking about it too but that doesn't mean you should stop talking about him either. One of the firsts i was dreading was new year - not because we did anything special over new year but because moving to the next year would mean leaving him in the last year -

Sometimes to remind ourselves that we can move forward and take them with us is to have an affirmation of that intention by doing something like some kind of ritual  that might be involving your religion or just going somewhere that meant something to you both ot putting flowers on a grave we all differ in what means something too us.Ever since that first year  i have lit a candle to burn over that midnight period on new years eve.In my mind it was there as a physical light so he could see i wanted him to move with me into the next year. i took the idea  from celtic tradition and also having secured him in the next year on new days day it is about letting go of the bad things of that year and letting in the light of a new year - cleaning the house opening windows and smudging with sage - i know its not everyone's idea of sane - but however its done or whenever, any kind of ritual can have the effect of strengthening and affirming that as you move forward you take your  love forward with you. 


Hello Karena,  thank you for your very kind and thoughtful reply.  You are right that, although I am surrounded by people, I really don't have anyone that I can confide in who really understands apart from here, so I will need to look in from time to time so that I am not alone, as it were. 

You are also right about the two year expectation.  You expect the first two years to be tough and then you think it will be easier, which in a lot of ways it is but you can't avoid those reminders.  We moved house a few times and always made a lovely garden together.  That was our thing.  So now every plant, flower and even ponds just make me want those days back again to be honest.  Nothing is the same without him.  I know that's the way it is but I don't have to like it.  I am surrounded by people who care about me now so I am very lucky and count my blessings a lot.  You are right though, I just didn't expect to still miss him so much.   
You can't go back so you have to move forward and do new things.  If you can do it, so can I!  Jill


 :hug: I know you can - the missing doesn't end but becomes part of us and who we are.

I know that i cant have him back in this life or ever have  those times back, but at some point it clicked in my head that by avoiding the things we loved to do and the places we went as a couple i was taking away things i loved as an individual as well,  so here i was sat in this big pit of despair and effectively digging it deeper.
If i could start to put those things back in my life maybe i could  build them higher and find a way to get out - in a way i suppose given it was the first proactive thing i did when i moved here making the pond was a metaphor for that although not an intentional one at the time.
At the old house my pond digging was a standing joke between us - he thought i was digging a little pond not the lake it turned into but when it was done  he spent hours sitting by it taking photos planting up pulling out blanket weed etc and  in summer when i came home from work that's where i would find him.For me losing the house and having to move from the community and place i knew had been another blow to cope with.

Maybe when your life feels so out of control you hang on to something however small you can control and maybe i had this dream  i would come home from work and he would be sitting next to it waiting or maybe if he was looking from somewhere above he would know where i was by the pond I knew the first one wasn't going to happen but rational thought was not something that offered me any hope.This pond here became something i could put back in my life and building it meant i was in control of something.

It had to be dug and maybe grief in a weird way requires us to dig deeper first in order to  get out of that pit, the same way if you want to pull some one into a small boat you have to dunk them first and let natural bouyancy help you pull them out. But once the pond digging stops  you literally start filling it. You create a soft bed to protect the liner then the liner has to be folded  and trimmed to fit the space and then stand back and watch as the rainfall fills it then add the pump and landscape and plants one thing at a time and sometimes you need to move them or replace them and all the time it keeps filling up and the wildlife is drawn too it and the plants grow and you can chose whether to keep control or let go of it and as it evolves so do you.Realizing the whole point of the ponds for me has been to build them for nature  i studied  ecology and conservation -  then went back to dolphin watching and called at the CAT center on the way home for something for the pond  and rekindled an interest in permaculture.Rather than trying to fill my life with new things i just couldn't find the motivation to do,  the ladder out of that pit for me was built by going back and using the pieces of the old life that i could still find, as a foundation to build on.

The pit is still there under it all but i keep building around it so i dont fall  back in. I miss him, there isnt a day goes by i dont, but at the same time going back like that is one of the ways he is still very much my motivation and my guide.


Well I was at the very bottom of the roller coaster today and then it stopped working.  But I have managed to crank the handle up and get it moving again so the only way is up I hope.  Treated myself to a take-away and tomorrow I am off out for the day.

I get the lightbulb moment of not avoiding things.  I do that a lot!! avoid them I mean!  What you say makes sense.  I ran away from football, cricket, plants, films, records.  In the end you can't run away.  It's a bit like falling over and then you just have to get up again and get on with it.  You can't stay laying on the pavement for ever.  Thanks Karena.  I knew you would understand. 


 :hug: well done on getting that roller coaster moving again -i almost went back to bed myself this morning but reisited - enjoy your take away and your day out tomorow - and treat youself to a long soak in the bath with some luxury radox  tonight. :coffeetoast:

i took a weeks leave this week -the first for almost  2 years and on that holiday i was in wales in the sun next to the sea with friends having a good laugh -  but now everyone is staying in the uk and because last year was such a disaster for them the holiday cottages and even the camp-sites have suddenly got too expensive - dont know why i bothered taking this week off the original plan was i was going to camp in the garden and stay away from doing jobs in the house - which was a bit whacky - but at the time it was sunny and warm and i had just pitched a tent to test its waterproof - ness (is that even a word) so it seemed like a good idea then - but naturally of course the weather isnt obliging and although i,m not a fair weather camper when i  go away it didnt seem like such an attractive idea to sit in the garden freezing and wet  so i have mostly been doing jobs that need doing round the house  :rofl:

Then i had an artistic moment and decided to change  the ugly mount on a picture i quite like, For some reason the mount, as it turns out it has been glued to the picture - some-one name was mud when i found that out  :evil:SO then  i had the idea of  using the background of the picture to extend the picture out to the edge of the frame by painting it on the mount .  Who knew colour matching is not as easy with acrylic paint as it is with photoshop -  maybe i should have just painted the mount a better colour instead of trying to be clever but never mind it has a unique look now. :whistle: 


Hi Karena, I am sorry to hear that your picture is feeling a bit 'off colour', a bit 'rough around the edges'.  That is the problem when you end up staying at home, you end up doing all those jobs, not good.  Hopefully you will be able to have a good holiday next year or late r this year to make up for it.  You are right about them putting up the prices everywhere and everywhere is booked up.  This is not a good year for holidays.  But having said that I have had some lovely days out to places I have never been before and until now the weather has been fine.

It was a very good idea to put the tent up to test it though.  We did quite a bit of camping and tents are much better now than they used to be.  I am feeling a lot better today.  Thank goodness! J


 :hug: Glad you are feeling better.Technically i should have another 3 weeks holiday due (and 4 that i didnt take last year) so maybe there will be a chance later.The picture is looking better now - unique-  but better after a bit more work on my colour matching skills and i picked some french beans from the garden yesterday for my tea today - i have peas as well but they never make it to the kitchen as the child in me still eats them off the plant. :rofl:

Ian Haines

Quote from: Karena on August 19, 2021, 02:46:14 PM"I have peas as well but they never make it to the kitchen as the child in me still eats them off the plant." :rofl:

Aye, ya can't beat a good ol' pea!  :wink:



its ok - different spelling. :rofl: