Author Topic: Hello  (Read 1611 times)

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Offline Jude

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Hello
« on: July 29, 2021, 07:24:14 AM »
Hi. I’m Jude. I lost my mum very suddenly in March. She had a cardiac arrest and I carried out CPR until the ambulance arrived. I did ok for the first 10 weeks but the last 10 I have felt like I am falling apart. I have crippling anxiety and insomnia. My gp has put me on a low dose of Mirtazapine which I think is helping a little but I am still having 2 or 3 nights a week with no sleep and the anxiety can still be quite bad. Please help me. Is this normal and will I ever get back to being me again?

Offline Dave Administrator

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Re: Hello
« Reply #1 on: July 29, 2021, 10:34:32 AM »
Hello Jude and welcome to this forum.

We had an issue where the forum was non responsive to any notification emails getting out, and because of that members thought we had closed down and there was no way of telling them we were not and had fixed the problem. Hence why it's quite at the moment.

Anyway may I offer you my sincere condolences, as I know the pain and agonising heartache you are going through in these early days.

We have had this BUK support group now for over 21 years, and heard your question thousands of times, "will life ever get back to normal again"? I can promise you Jude no matter how hard it is for you to accept my answer now,,Yes it certainly will,,,.

Will it be soon? that depends on so many other factors and because we are all different it can be a few months or maybe longer.

One thing I know that is very successful and has helped countless members over the years, is to pour your heart out and know we are listening and here to support you best we can.

Bottling up the pain inside like you may have done for those first 10 weeks, its coming out now as your body will try anything to heal and that's letting go of all those built up tears and emotions that need to come out

Please keep posting Jude we are here to get you through this I promise.

Dave 
Take care and please keep posting however small or large you can manage, we need them.

Offline Jude

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Re: Hello
« Reply #2 on: July 29, 2021, 11:11:48 AM »
Thank you Dave. Your words are so kind and reassuring. The strange thing is that I suffered the loss of my brother 5 years ago in very similar circumstances ( I wasn’t there but it was sudden and shocking nevertheless, he was only 46). I went through this about 9 months after his death but somehow I can’t remember it feeling as bad as this. So, I know I can come through it, but right now that feels such a long way away. My mum never really got over my brothers death and it breaks my heart to think that she spent the last 5 years of her life feeling so sad.
When my brother died, I remember thinking it was so hard because he was so young and was taken so soon and that somehow it would be easier with a parent as you expect them to go, it’s more the natural order of things. It’s really not easier at all though and I wasn’t prepared for this level of devastation. Mum and I weren’t the types who lived in each other’s pockets but she was always there for me when I needed her and I miss that unconditional love. It’s just so hard.

Offline Dave Administrator

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Re: Hello
« Reply #3 on: July 29, 2021, 03:13:52 PM »
Hi again Jude.

Looks for the time being until we get some member back you have your own private forum with one to one too lol.

i just wish I could give you hug and show you a crystal ball showing you laughing and enjoying life once more in the near future.

Bereavement comes in stages and none of us escape them, sorrow, anger, guilt, etc, sometimes us going into an abyss that's hard to get out of, but doable with strength and determination "Mum wouldn't want me here".
i
This lockdown lark hasn't done much for you either, in doing things that may have helped with your healing and feeling a little better than you do now.

Here is a killer suggestion for you but one that will help you big time I'm sure. Try and write a letter to your mum telling her all the things you would normally say if she lived abroad and there were no phones.

Anything and everything newsy even a bad hair day. Finish of telling her how much you miss her, and still love her dearly, probably now through floods of tears. But they are healing tears Jude, and must fall to allow you to go to the next stage in your bereavement journey.

I also hope you feel her spirit touch yours if you write alone in the silence of a candle lit room,,,,Just embrace the pain in your heart you have now Jude, as it's the depth of the love you still have for her that's putting it there.

I lost my mum back in 1991 and went to pieces and that deepest abyss in a big way which is 30 years ago, so all healed up now.

But believe it or not I only felt good if while visiting her grave, I would get a little heartache back showing me I still have that love for her left inside me.

May I wish you great strength, courage, and peace of mind in the days ahead. :-)
Take care and please keep posting however small or large you can manage, we need them.

Offline Jude

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Re: Hello
« Reply #4 on: July 29, 2021, 04:50:56 PM »
Thank you so much. I will try writing the letter. I do feel better after a big cry. Getting them out when gripped with anxiety is so difficult. My son turned 18 today and the family get together for tea and birthday cake felt awful for me... there was a gaping space where my mum should have been. She would have been so proud of him.
It just all feels so dismal when I am in the grip of this. I am having good days too... I just need to start running those together a bit more.

Offline Dave Administrator

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Re: Hello
« Reply #5 on: July 29, 2021, 05:45:42 PM »
I am having good days too... I just need to start running those together a bit more.

Positive thinking will help you tremendously Jude.

Not sure how your general health is, but if you don't already you might want to take up running or some form of energetic exercising, maybe your boy or a friend will do it with you?

It certainly will remove that heavy sinking feeling, because your body will produce chemicals that take that away and give you a good feel factor.,, or there's chocolate of course lol.
Take care and please keep posting however small or large you can manage, we need them.

Offline Jude

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Re: Hello
« Reply #6 on: July 29, 2021, 05:59:37 PM »
I do a bit of cycling, yes that had been helping. If I could be guaranteed a good sleep every night it would help. I have got sleeping tablets but on the bad nights they don’t do the trick. Positive thinking is hardest in the middle of the night when the whole family are asleep. I am off work at the moment, I’m a teacher, I’m hoping that when I get back to work ( hoping to phase in) it will give me a bit of routine back which will help. On the good days I feel like I can take on the world on the bad days it’s all I can do to just do a few chores. How common is this?

Offline Karena

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Re: Hello
« Reply #7 on: August 06, 2021, 10:47:26 AM »
Hi Jude.
I lost my mum a long time ago but still have days when i feel sad again. when i lost my husband later it really brought home to me that she wasnt there to support me the way i know she would have so in a way it was two lots of grief for two people.

What you describe is normal - the early days we are in a kind of shock and there is all the admin and funeral stuff to sort out so it almost feels because we are doing that for them that they are still here but after that is done the reality starts to hit hard - i think in some way our brain tries to protect us for a while so because we consciously shift the awful pictures of what happened in the day time our brain is still trying to file them so when we got to bed it carries on doing that so we cant sleep sometimes we cant sleep because we are afraid too so continue to try and make conscious thoughts take over the ones we dont want - i have spent many nights lying awake thinking about stupid things that dont matter - what colour to paint the walls what can i fill tomorow with what did such a person mean when they said that and round and round it goes.having bedtime routine helps  so your body is preparing for sleep - since i was a young child i always read at bed time until i fell asleep  so i kept doing that and if i woke up again carried on reading - at one point i found reading anything of length during the day seemed to trigger my brain to want to sleep which was a bit difficult when it was at work.Others have tried things like meditation or mindfulness types of yoga  helped it didnt really for me except maybe being a bit more relaxed after the yoga - but colouring in less so - - doing something mindless - like peeling potatoes seemed to work better for me but we are all different and find our own path it is just a difficult time trying to find that path and sometimes it goes round in circles and sometimes it goes to a dead end and we have to start again on another one.       

Our parents are the foundations  we are built on and when they shift its like an earthquake under our feet and we are left holding on to any scaffolding we can find - how long that lasts varies and even when we start to feel more secure sometimes we feel that shift again like an aftershock but they do get weaker and less frequent over time so we know that having coped with the main event however awful the aftershock feels we will recover from that too. -I have found that to rebuild the foundations taking them forward with us helps so writing the letter but also knowing that we will always have memorys and love and when we need to ask them for advice or wonder how they would respond to something we do we can search our hearts and find the answers and to that we start to replace those unhappy thoughts about the end of their lives with ones about their whole lives - our childhoods, the love, the funny things they said and did and  even the things that embarassed us got on our nerves when we were teenagers but learned to accept was part of them as we got older. 

Offline Jude

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Re:
« Reply #8 on: August 07, 2021, 05:52:00 AM »
Thank you Karena. The thing is I do feel like I have accepted my loss now I just can’t seem to shake the anxiety and consequently the insomnia just yet. I’m desperate to get back to being me again and not have this constant knot of anxiety in my stomach and a hammering heart.

My mum would have hated to see me like this and I’m trying so hard to get back to myself. My dad is coping really well but he’s now desperately worried about me. I am cycling almost daily, I have tried meditating, deep breathing, I have written the letter to my mum I have tried everything. I’m not sure what else I can do. Some days I feel ok and then I feel the anxiety start to build again. I’m exhausted with it all.
J

Offline Karena

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Re: Hello
« Reply #9 on: August 09, 2021, 04:07:41 PM »
 :hug:To me acceptance is a double edged sword - acceptance of the loss is one thing and we have no choice over that, but to me it is also acceptance of our grief. As a society we see that as something we should not accept - we should "get over it" "move on" "put it behind us" " pull our socks up" (i,m not joking i have been told that) The victorians even put a time on it - the year of mourning - whether you were mourning or not or whether you were still mourning years later you got a year.. So because that's what is expected we try to do that - we cannot accept our grief because we are expected not too, so we see it as wrong. But when we have a physical injury they say "can i help you" "dont run before you can walk"" take it easy "you must rest" in both cases we are in pain our brains acknowledge the pain but with the physical injury we know if we leap out of bed its going to hurt and we also know that doing so can set us back or create further injury and it will take longer to heal so we dont do that as its clear what will happen - but with grief there are different messages and it isn't clear so we start to become increasingly anxious.

To put it in physical terms if you badly broke your legs then you would know more general facts about what was happening - you would know how long you would be likely to be in hospital, how long before the plaster came off, how long before you could walk with crutches, roughly how long you would need physio before you took your first steps without them and again things are clearer too us,  but even with that outline knowledge and step by step goals you would still experience some of the things you do with grief perhaps anxious that it might all go wrong with an operation, and then build that to being in a state of panic where you think it might mean you wake up without your legs.
You might be angry with yourself for putting yourself in that position or angry with the person who ran you down or tripped you up, and  then angry with yourself again when you couldnt do the things you things you thought you should be able too by now at the different stages and then that turns to depression.
You might feel guilty you cant work and some-one else is having to work harder to replace you - or someone who is caring for you is becoming exhausted.
You would worry that your life would take a while to get back to normal or maybe you would never get back to completely normal - you wouldn't book to run a marathon or decide to climb a mountain just yet.
You would have days when you could do more, days when you couldnt get out of bed, and you would be counting down the days until the next stage of progress and each time you reach it be happy you reached it but along the way if you pushed yourself too hard sometimes you would fall over and panic that you cant get back up or realise you had walked too far and were too tired to get back so are stuck.

But despite all that and knowing if you fall over someone will pick you up you would  not give yourself as hard a time as you do with grief. You would be much kinder too yourself and recognize you need time and space to heal much more easily.

With grief  you dont have those initial rough guidelines or goals, no physios lined up to push you towards them, no team to help you get back up  just expectations from others and yourself that you must do so by yourself and that your pain is somehow less than that caused by a physical injury - You have less certainty and less help,There are no outward facing signs you haven't been in hospital for weeks, dont have plaster casts or crutches as  indications to people that you might need help to do certain things so it isnt offered except by some of those who know you are grieving and sometimes we see accepting those offers as weakness where we never would with physical injurys..
You still  have all those same negative experiences - anger, guilt, fear, anxiety, panic, depression, insomnia -  so again why be less kind to yourself and less accepting of the situation with grief.

With a physical injury you would accept that to heal takes time and some people heal quicker than others, some days will be better than others,sometimes you need to rest others to move a bit further, and you may always have a limp or scar and pain from that injury that flares up from time to time and that will be something that becomes part of you and who you are as you go forward and while it may throw some hurdles at you you can eventually find ways round them and one day you find that even with those issues you can climb that mountain or run that marathon.

Grief is the same it becomes part of who you are and you learn to get round the hurdles it throws up but it also takes time. No one hands us a pair of crutches measured for us to use we have to find or make our own, -  for me being here was one of those things i leaned on..

Anxiety is one of those hurdles - there are still  things i cant do, but i have learned that i can  find a way to get where i want to be by finding props - a camera became another crutch part because it gave me a reason to be somewhere a direction to take - or simply going a different way round eating out by myself is a no no but if i need to eat on a journey i can get takeaway or take food with me.  The key is to want to be in that place or do that thing enough to find those ways around anxiety rather than do it because other people think i "ought too" even knowing it isn't something that's right for me. Tthe biggest incentives was to do something for my husband live my life for him and be his eyes on the world - go back somewhere we loved, do something we said we would but didnt get round too, or do something he would have loved and i would not have chosen to do - the scars of his loss  are not all i take with me, he remains my influence and guide. 

 

Offline Jude

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Re: Hello
« Reply #10 on: August 10, 2021, 09:30:31 AM »
Wow, thank you. That makes so much sense. At the moment I am grappling with whether I should go back to work next week (probably on a phase in). Part of me thinks I should because it will give me something else to focus on but part of me is saying I shouldn’t because I’m still so exhausted. There’s no pressure from my employers at all but I’m thinking it may be good for me. It has been 5 months now since mum died although in saying that my grief was somewhat delayed and only really floored me about 3 months ago. I really dont know what to do.

Offline Karena

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Re: Hello
« Reply #11 on: August 10, 2021, 11:17:54 AM »
A phased return is something a few people here have done successfully and have found the first day back to be something they dreaded much more in advance than the reality was and been fine.One or two found the change in their family life has left them wanting something more or something different from their job and moved to something else.

I have the same job but did a few online courses that combined with my work skills lead me into using them to do some voluntary stuff in my spare time - so i guess kind of extended it into new areas without changing the paid work.   

I went back in full time after two weeks which with hindsight was too early, What i found was that it filled time and it was never going to be a choice to not work but i did make a couple of mistakes through not concentrating fully. Luckilly nothing that was dire  i  spotted one before sending it out, and when i somehow wrote fifty CD,s with  windows 7  rather than our software my boss was puzzled rather than angry and again it was spotted before it went out. I now maintain it was the CD writer software not me, but at the time - when you are really down on yourself then you are inclined to blame yourself more for everything like a spiral of negativity you cant get off.

Another issue was sometimes feeling very frustrated with colleagues seemingly trivial problems . I had a director telling me he and his wife had argued over the colour of kitchen units  and the reply to that conversation in my head was me saying just go home give her a hug let her have whatever colour she wants because she might not be here tomorow and you will regret every disagreement you ever had .
Of course you cant really say that and if i had i would have immediately  burst into tears at the end of it and made it worse - and  its not their fault when they say things unthinkingly that can be upsetting.From their point of view  - they can carry on repeating how sorry they are for our loss, say nothing and avoid talking too us at all, or try to act normal around us and thats what he was doing and that's what i wanted people to do but it wasnt always easy when they did. -People saying how sorry they are,however genuine is just as annoying after a while of course they are sorry for our pain but it doesnt mean they really understand it. 

For me saying nothing is the hardest to bear  - the people who dive into a shop they had no intention of going in when they see you coming or somehow dont see you in the street at all and  i understand that it is because they cant think of anything  to say and dont want to upset us (as if we are not already upset) but for some-one who you work with who came to the funeral  no matter how difficult it is to say something, pretending you cant see some-one isn't an option either and so sometimes they will say the wrong thing and often when we are grieving we take those things to heart too much or the wrong way.
In a charity shop two women were talking about their husbands - one was at home the other had been sent off to another shop - the women were saying how the men were such a nuisance when they were trying to shop and how good it was to escape them - I found myself needing to exit the shop quickly and as i did one of the husbands came in bearing cream cakes for the wives with a big grin on his face which set me off even more.But the reality is those women didnt know me or anything about me and the conversation was one i might have had myself with a female friend in a shop.(I am much more careful now about casual conversations and their potential to hurt some-one)   

In my job i am not facing clients i am not on the phones except to people i phone, so i found boltholes and used them just to take a breath and put things into proportion - i had a circuit i walked round very quickly at lunchtime as well to get rid of that frustration -  but that depends on your job of course what your role is and what your colleagues are like -  i work with software designers, mostly young men very focussed on their screens and without the life experiences of the one female colleague i had then and she became and remains a good friend.

The other thing if found was going to work made going home more difficult - especially at the weekends - and again that depends on your situation at home - for me it was approaching the empty silent  house which was worse than being there all the time in some ways because work offered some kind of normality not to say it made me forget - it didn't, but it made me focus on something else.  Going home was a return to stark reality but again over time i found ways to make that less awful,  just silly things like a friday night treat,a film chocolates candles round a bubble bath nothing major but even small things like that can make a difference. 

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Re: Hello
« Reply #12 on: August 13, 2021, 07:09:52 AM »
I'm new here and don't see anywhere on the screen  to post my messages.
Thank you

Offline Karena

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Re: Hello
« Reply #13 on: August 13, 2021, 11:52:14 AM »
Hi and welcome to the forum.
If you go to the home page https://www.bereavementuk.co.uk/newforum/index.php you will find a list of the different sections sections - go to introduce yourself and at the top of that page on the right you will find a new topic button - when you press that it will give you a new page so you can put the subject - "new here" "introducing myself" for example then write  (tell us who who you lost and anything else you want to say  in the main section and press post (button bottom right as you did here) If you have any problems doing that dont hesitate to let us know. :hug: