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Struggling with losing my mum

Started by Pamela81, November 12, 2020, 09:29:34 PM

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Hi Everyone, i have come here as i dont know where else to turn. My mum took ill in August and we found out she had cancer that started in her kidneys and spread to her lymphnodes, chest and brain. The only reason we found out is she started having seizures. My dad witness one and called the ambulance. We were told on the Tuesday after scans about the cancer, got told on the Wednesday we would have up to a year, by the Saturday she had left us. My family (my dad, sister and husband) were great to start with but i feel as if my sister wont talk about things now, i cant go to my dad as he is struggling and my husband just doesnt understand as it happened 11.5weeks ago. I feel so alone. I dont want to keep turning to my friends as i dont want them to think "oh no its hr again going on about her mum" i just feel so alone. I went back to work a week after the funeral as my sister said it was a good idea for us to get back to normality but i struggle. The only thing that is normal in my life just now is my running which i have just gotten back into. I miss my mum every day and it is so hard to not be able to call her every day like i used to or go and see her. I have no idea how to cope with it.


Sending a welcome hug  :hug:
I found it helpful to be here amongst others who have lost loved ones and who understand. Hope it helps you too
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx


I lost  my dear Mum at the end of last year - I have never experienced grief before and it's the hardest emotion I have ever been through.  I miss my Mum dreadfully and find that with lockdown too, it's the loneliest time of my life - each day is a real struggle, especially in the mornings.  I spoke to my Mum every single day and she was my best friend, so the loss is overwhelming me at times. 


So sorry to hear of your loss of your mums, Pamela and Caro. That's what brought me here in 2017. I lost my mum in the space of six weeks after a massive bleed on the brain. What made that harder is that it turned out to be due to a lack of monitoring of her medication, so that her medicines reacted to one another to cause the bleed and this has always left me feeling it could have been prevented or foreseen, but wasn't.

I found it a great comfort to find this website and just to have others tell me 'hi' and that they had been through similar feelings and understood how I was feeling. It was a huge help just to know that and did make me feel less alone and isolated. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to go through and took at least eighteen months before I felt that I was beginning to get a handle on it to any extent. The months before that were a roller coaster of emotions, crying for days, finding it hard just to get up some days, let alone make a cup of tea or get dressed. I lost track of time and would realise I had just been sitting thinking all day when I noticed it was getting dark again. Then I'd be unable to sleep.

I went back to work two weeks after the funeral, but that didn't help and was an ordeal at best. I needed to keep my job, but didn't cope very well and felt short tempered and angry and irritated with the people around me, fussing over petty and unimportant concerns that I could see really didn't matter compared to the enormity of losing your mum. I still feel that way, but try to disguise it. People who have not lost someone close have no inkling of the massive impact loss has on a person, especially a close loss. They think you can get over it. You can't. You learn to live with it, but it changes you  and the way you see life and it changes your future and your present, every day. The foundations have been knocked out from under you and there is no escaping that void where the person you loved should have been. You get accustomed to that being there too in time, but it will never be filled and you will never be who you were before you lost that person. Others not in the same position, will never understand that until they are. So, yes, you do end up making allowances for them and thinking you are burdening people if you talk about it, but talking does help and you can do that here, if nowhere else. We, who have had to come and find this place, do understand what you are going through, because we have been there too. You are not alone here.

Things do improve slowly. There are bad days, but there are also better ones. I am afraid 11.5 weeks was nowhere near long enough for me to start feeling any better though, Pamela. Three years on  and I still miss my mum every day; my dad too and I lost him more than thirty years ago now. I still talk to their pictures. You can't have your parents around forever, and you do learn to live with the loss in time, but grief is not something that ever really leaves you. You never wake up one day and think 'oh, well that's over now and I'm fine again', because you can never go back to being who you were before it happened, so you learn to live with the person it makes of you instead.

Wishing you both well. x  :hug:


So sorry for you loss . I know one of the hardest losses  to bare is a mothers loss ! It is a irreplaceable loss .
I haven't been on this site for a while but every once  in a while I have the need  to return ! I
I have also lost my mum a long time ago and it never goes away ! I xx