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Dreading Christmas

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SarahB:


Hi I hope it's ok to bring this up - I lost my Mum as some of you know, last December and that first Christmas just went by in a blur. My brother and I just did the best we could but it was awful, no tree, no gifts etc. There really is just the two of us now.

And now I'm dreading this year, I mean really dreading it. And because there is talk of further lockdowns, I'm almost selfishly hoping that it just goes away without much fuss. Every time I see an advert for it I scream or turn off the channel.

My brother isn't very supportive or willing to help when it comes to this type of thing. He's an alcoholic and for several years between 2014-2018, quite a few Christmas' were non existent because as hard as my Mum and I tried, he wouldn't come out of his room. Of course 2019 blew everything else off the map with Mum's passing. Then in May this year my beloved dog passed away from a stroke at the age of 14 :(.

All I am seeing around me are happy families, couples, people with babies etc and, as stupid as I feel typing this, at the age of 44 I have never married or had children so my Mum and the Christmas' she made with my late Dad were so important to me. In my head I'm regressing and all I can think of are those really happy memories from childhood and how much I loved Christmas then. I've never really wanted to marry or have kids (I'm a huge animal person), but now I'm beating myself up for not having children just so I won't be alone. I might see my brother for a couple of hours but it won't be for a special dinner or anything and he really can't be bothered with it all anyway, whereas I've always tried to make it special.

So I feel that this year when people are together I will be totally alone and I can't bear it. I don't feel like anyone really cares. Is it normal to dread Christmas like this after such losses?  Is it true that everyone is happy at that time of year?

I'd really appreciate having someone to talk to about this and I'm sorry I haven't been around for a while.

Thank you

Sarah xx

Emz2014:
You're not alone  :hug:
My Christmases have varied over my lifetime. My favourite Christmases as an adult for many years revolved around my dad - he was central to our celebrations - he'd cook an amazing feast, we would gather and have just the perfect time. We suddenly lost him in 2013. We tried to recreate Christmas, was nice but could never compare.  Other complications happened and now I Christmas with my partner at home alone now

So Christmas is bitter sweet now. I buy gifts for family/friends but I don't celebrate Christmas as such now. I do a nice dinner and do nice stuff, but not labeled as Christmas.   Its tough and I miss those times dearly. Adverts/media do highlight it and for lack of better words 'rub it in'

In some ways if there are lockdown restrictions maybe it wont feel as odd/isolating?

Ive tried to focus on making things meaningful in other ways - start different/new traditions, do something in memory of dad.  It helps me, maybe worth trying to think how you could do something slightly different/meaningful?

Karena:
 :hug: I was dreading xmas after my husband died it used to be open house xmas day and i couldnt even try to continue with that because i had to move - but despite the distress in the run up the day itself was not as bad  whatever our circumstances i will say firstly a lot of people who have been here over the years have found those anniversary s we dread are often far worse in the build up than the day itself.
 I have stepped outside Xmas  - by that i mean adapted a different version of it - so all the paraphernalia in the build up no longer applies to me and it is actually much less stressful -it doesn't bother me with the adverts and stuff in the shops because it isnt my festival but i am  a guest looking in on other peoples if that makes sense.
I couldn't bear the thought of writing xmas cards just from me so i stopped doing them and gave stuff too the food bank instead -i make and send a few winter solstice cards out  to a few friends  - that isn't to say i have turned bah humbug i still get presents for the grand kids  but i looked at new or rather old more pagan ideas around the winter festival and adapted them for myself -

New year is also a difficult one as many people feel they are leaving their loved one behind in the last year but in the older times new year was a time to let in the new but take the best from the old forward with you - so new years if its not raining i light a fire outdoors take a blanket and a pot of hot chocolate and burn a candle over the midnight hour its is symbolic of taking my husband forward into the next year with me - if its too bad weather for that i do it indoors - new years day   is about letting in the light not the calendar new year the winter solstice changes dates but i do it then while others do their thing - it is the time when the days start to get longer again so we have more light in our lives to look forward too
It doesn't matter what you do or believe in, the Xmas we consider normal in our society's is a ritual so basically i replaced one ritual or parts of it with another which as it turns out suits me better it is more gentle and a time for rest That doesnt mean you need to  exclude your mum from it she didnt create all those Xmases for you with the idea that you would one day be saddened by them so celebrate them and her life but do it your way. If it was a very christian Christmas then maybe go to christingle (again maybe not possible this year but that doesnt mean you cant take an element of it an do it at home)  -look up in the loft do you still have a decoration you can hang up from those times as an acknowledgement of them - if not maybe buy something similar too a favourite one a fairy or angel and hang that in tribute too her and those past christmases instead.What was your favorite part of them is there a way to focus on just that one thing.

Others here have tried to reproduce the xmas they had and set a place at the table for the person they lost with a photo we are all different and find different ways to cope.

There are other options normally if you are on your own such as helping out with xmas dinner at homeless centres  i dont know what will happen about things like that this year but something you might consider for future years it means you are less alone and kept busy on the day and maybe you will find new friends from the other volunteers.

You have the time now to think about what you would like to do and create your own ideas keep those childhood  memorys in mind and keep your mum in mind -   - maybe ask your brother and think of something you could both do during the time he does come down so he can be even a small part of the planning which might help him eel better about it too.
As a child for me we didnt have money xmas lunch was not the massive feast people have now - but xmas tea was special too and it was more festive because things in it were bought or made and stored over time for me the build up wasnt the tv ads or shopping but stirring the cake mix putting coins in the pudding and cutting pastry for mince pies  - old fashioned stuff that all went on the table that day sandwiches xmas cake mince pies jelly meruinges etc -  so maybe you could put something together buffet style with some xmasy food  things in from your childhood then its there when your brother comes down and its there to pick at for you and its there for boxing day if you are not hungry xmas day.

Losing your dog is a big blow too i lost mine and he had played a big part in getting me back on my feet after my husband died - I dont think i ever will replace my dog initially i thought maybe i would in a year or so but not now - but i do have dogs for when other people go on holiday - there are four regular ones at different times of the year - some of the dog shelters are crying out for foster carers so maybe thats something you could think about doing too you get the benefits of having the dog but without getting as attached although sometimes foster carers will end up adopting a particular one in the end. 

 
     

Sandra61:
Christmas is a nightmare, when you are grieving. It is so hard to see anything but happy people all around still at a point in their lives when it is something so genuinely fun and special, but in fact, you are indeed not alone in feeling as you do. There are lots of us out there in the same boat sadly.

I lost my mum in 2017 and am also alone. I have a brother as well, but he has his own family and spends it with them. I have spent Christmas alone each year since losing my mum. I know some people cboose to ignore Christmas and just pretend it's not happening, but I didn't think that was realistic. You can't really get away from it and in the end, it is only a few days. I decided to try to make the best of it and although it's not an easy time, in my experience, it is better to acknowledge it somehow.

Christmases were always a big deal in our house when I was little with lots of visitors and food and fun. I choose to remember those times, and I do have a tree and dig out the old family decorations. I find it cosy to sit with just the tree-lights on in the evening and use that time to remember those good Christmases of the past. I also try to get some nice food in, almost in memory of my mum and dad, who always enjoyed their Christmas food and it's really not so bad. I suppose it's what you decide to make it.

All the suggestions that Emz and Karena have made are good ones and I hope you find something among them to help you. But one of the surprising things that helped me I discovered after my dad died and my mum was still with me, some thirty-five years ago. We decided to take flowers to my dad's grave on Christmas day to try to make him a part of our Christmas and it was actually a really touching experience. The cemetery was more busy than we had ever seen it with lots of people there bringing flowers to their loved ones and spending time remembering them. Some of the stones had been decorated with Christmas decorations and there were so many families there to honour and remember their lost loved ones on Christmas Day. I have never seen so many flowers on all the graves. It was really lovely and really brought home to us, just how many people there are out there who have lost someone they love and that they all still feel that love and wish to mark the day by including that person in their day in some small way, even if only by visiting their grave. We ended up looking forward to going to visit the grave on Christmas Day each year and now my mum is there too, I still do it and have a little chat with them and knowing they would want me to enjoy the day, I do make myself a special meal and try to make the best of the day. That's what they would want.

You can't recreate the past, but for me, it would be wrong to ignore it and isn't what my mum and dad would want, so I make the best of it, and have a tree and take flowers to the cemetery and go to church and sing the carols (my mum loved to sing the carols) and have a nice Christmas dinner and watch some telly and ring some friends for a chat and watch some TV and if I do still shed a tear or two when the lights are off and only the tree ones are on in the evening, when memories of Christmas past seep into my consciousness, that's ok too. I wouldn't be without those memories and thank god (and mum and dad) that I have them and my quiet little Christmases are my own little nod to those days gone by. It's fine to have fun and it's fine to be sad, but it's not fine to punish yourself by pretending Christmas isn't happening. It will happen every year for the rest of your life and it will always be hard, but you have to find a way to make the best of it that suits you and that is what those who loved us who have passed away would want for us, so it is a tribute to them, to do ourselves what they would want for us but are no longer here to provide.

Whatever you choose and that feels right for you is Ok. Go away if that helps. Find your own new traditions. But I find it doesn't help to just be miserable and pretend it's not happening. Perhaps that will be right for you, but I doubt it somehow. Optimism is always more helpful, I think.  :hearts:

SarahB:
Thank you everyone.

I've had a really tough week and have verbally 'given off' to quite a few people who have talked about Christmas before Halloween even happened. (I hate that anyway - Halloween is special to me).

I just feel SO DOWN. I thought I had a good support network in my friends but I really don't. They seem to have forgotten me completely. The person I thought was my best friend really doesn't bother much and I know he's been on holiday during the virus to Greece and Turkey. But I can't talk to him because he gets INCREDIBLY defensive and nothing is ever his fault. He even said to me the other day 'oh I hope this virus is away by Christmas' - like hello? My Mum only died last Christmas :( How can he be so insensitive?

And then, someone else said to me that my grief would be easier if I was married with kids. Another friend just announced she's pregnant so I'm feeling like a total washed up failure :( She has a family - a mum, dad, nieces, nephews. I don't have any of those things. I have a brother who I love but he's not a fan of Christmas anyway so all the suggestions have to come from me.

I am VERY MUCH ALONE. I've even wondered would anyone notice if I took those final steps and ended my life? It's not as if there are any friends banging my door down. I know the virus is here, but the three people I thought cared for me are nowhere to be seen.

M - he is so absorbed with himself and whoever he's dating at the time. He is gay but the only thing on his mind at the minute seems to be how his new boyfriend is going to make it over from Argentina for a visit.

P - haven't seen him since January

G - have known her for 12 years and she's never even been in my house, I always do the visiting.

I can't run anymore, I'm tired of it. I really love my friends but from M and P it certainly doesn't feel reciprocated. I'd get over it if it was just the virus, but I know they have been to parties and abroad to Europe for holidays during it. My Mum was very good to M, so it especially hurts. He seems to be all about himself, but I can't say anything or I'd be the worst in the world.

And I'm afraid to let myself grieve now incase I drive them away completely. I try to be really strong but I'm not grieving properly for fear of losing people who I don't think really care for me anyway. I don't know how to articulate myself to them. I have tried, but it's all fallen on deaf ears.

I'm angry. I don't know how they haven't experienced loss yet. I don't get it. What did I do wrong? I absolutely loved Christmas as a child, but now I just despise it and I take great issue with it being shoved in our faces with early decorating and early movies.

Would it be better if I ended things, meaning joining my Mum? I'm really struggling to see a point when no one seems to even know that I'm alive anyway. Given that I'm not married with children, makes me feel even more isolated, although they were never huge goals of mine (I love animals and am very independent most of the time).

It would just be nice to know that my friends, especially the boys as G is caring, gave a crap, instead of everything I say to M, being turned back on me - it's making me go further into myself and I have honestly contemplated suicide.

Thank you for all your lovely suggestions - I'm just not at that place just yet.

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