it is really early days and so very difficult my heart goes out to you.
You learn to cope one day at a time one tiny step at a time - to accept the uncontrollable sobbing will be part of you for some time to come and even later down the line after a better day you may be back to doing that again the next - and however prepared you are for some things to be really upsetting others will swipe you sideways because you didnt see them coming - but you also accept that tears are because of love and we would never have wanted to not have the time we did and the love we had with that person no matter how high the price seems now.
Doing things on your own also takes time and we feel we cant do the things we once did together on our own because that would be worse so we have to find something new but what because who will we share that with - everything felt hollow and pointless on my own.
I think i was about four months in when i was thinking about actually longing for clarity for there to be some kind of afterlife - then i thought. but if there was once you have had the initial joyful meeting what kind of converstion would it be - what was the converstion before - for us that was what we did during the day what some-one said or did or how much we enjoyed doing/would like to do/would support the other one to do because the idea terrifies us things - so if i sit here and do nothingi it might be a very short conversation and not just that but he might be quite upset with me after he faught for his life,and i simply threw mine away .
But i couldnt see a point in mine or me at the time, so i decided i was going to live his for him be his eyes on the world - i was going to go back and hang out at our favourite places and plant wild daffodils there so he would know i had been - climb cader idris for him,keep his little campervan on the road for him - and zipwire a gorge (thats the one i would have watched him do) - and in a way i have been doing that ever since (not the gorge never agin ) but because those other things were also what i loved. life is horrific enough when you loose them -so why would we take away the things that could make us feel better if only for a short time.
It wasnt easy it was a long hard battle to get to be able to do it, but i think because in my mind i was doing it for him it made me fight the battles.
Finding this place helped - somewhere to write things down so i could even understand my own feelings -but also some where that other people were on the same journey who understood and who helped me see i wasnt losing the plot. There were always some way ahead on the road who reached back grabbed a hand and created a safety net and over time some i reached back too to do the same.We are not quailified to counsel anyone on paper but we are all qualified by our own experience of this and will be here as long as you need us.