I think I realise now why this is so difficult. I have had a lot of very kind people helping me since my husband died. But what I realise is they can't know what I am going through because they haven't been here. Unless you have been married for 25 years to someone who is easy-going, kind-hearted, unselfish and completely on the same page as you, you are never going to understand. I am trying to sell the house we bought together, when he was in good health, and move back to England. I am only taking back a car-load of stuff and leaving everything else here. So I have had to get rid of all our things that I remember buying and choosing together. A lot of things have very romantic memories for me and I have cried over so many things that have had to go. It has been very difficult but I don't want to stay here, it is too painful. I see little things he has made and jobs he has done everywhere and it breaks my heart. I know some people will understand what I am saying but other people won't because they haven't been here. I put on this happy face, I don't really know why I do that, but I do. When we did all these things it was for the present and the future and now that future with him is gone. When I read other people's letters and replies on here, I at least know someone understands so I am just sharing my feelings. I miss him so much, I know I always will, the more you love someone, the more you miss them. Broken hearted J.