Well thank goodness Sunday is almost over, never the best day. I've spent all day cooking, filling the freezer with about 10 different meals so I don't have to start cooking for everyone at 6 when I get in from work. I thought it would distract me but I spent the time thinking about the food Terry loved & listening to the radio playing music that kept bringing back memories, didn't make me cry tho, so that's a plus.
My middle child who is fairly severely autistic asked me today why I couldn't bring dad back from the dead, he's 22, I'm used to this, and he needs the same answer every time to reassure him which is that dads heart stopped working and we couldn't fix it so he died and once someone goes there's no coming back but we still love him and we have lots of lovely memories to remember him by. Usually I deal with this ok but today my voice broke a bit which worries my son, I'm not allowed to be upset in his eyes. Also my daughter who has much milder learning difficulties wanted to know if her dad was told he was dying, this got to me too, even more so I think. It was always unspoken between Terry & I. My eldest, who has no learning difficulties is away on the uk mainland doing a training course for a month, so I'm missing his everyday chit chat too.
I wish I could believe in some sort of "after life" to give me comfort, but I don't, I believe that the end is just that, that he's not watching over us, that his spirit isn't around us, that his "energy" is gone, being with him when he died has only reinforced that, I am however glad it was just me and him when he died in our home and he was so peaceful and I'm sure he knew he was very much loved.
God I miss him so much, can't imagine it ever getting better. Now I'm crying after lasting all day!
Sorry for rambling tonight!