I agree about the meds they do work for some,but not others and while they can help us get through each day they cant directly help us deal with the cause when its grief.
I know talking therapy sounds americanised people mock it and we think even if we can access it, we cant face it - we cant relive things we would rather forget - and however will we avoid breaking down and crying in front of a stranger - all sorts of reasons it seems difficult to do - but after losing my husband and finding meds caused some kind of psychosis my GP put my name down for bereavement counselling and like you i was feeling so desparate and unable to cope with every day life so i went and it did help - it didnt cure grief,it isnt designed to do that, but the thing they can do is help you see how your own brain is disorting things - not the loss but the feelings you have around it - guilt, anger, anxiety feelings of abandonment by those left around you some coping strategys but also help you see that some of those things are absolutley understandable and it is ok to feel the way you do it doesnt mean there is something wrong with you as a person. - so for example your anxiety about others in your familly - of course you are anxious if some-one is ill so thats 100% normal in any circumstances -but the extra anxiety about those who are not is also normal when you are grieving, - i think all of us here will have experienced that - because we have just learned first hand in the worst way possible about the frailty of all out lives - but if we become obsessed by that then we also forget to focus on the more important lesson of appreciating them and enjoying the time we do have with them and thats really what we need to change, and it takes time but we do and that particular anxiety becomes more normalalised.
If you were diagnosed with PTSD in the past - i dont know how long ago that was but there are also some effective ways to help you cope with things like anxiety attacks - if you know them and they worked before then start using them again, if not and you cant get counselling then look on line under coping with panic attacks or similar.
I was estranged from my dad from a very young age - not because of the reasons you were and not his fault but because he was gay and could no longer pretend otherwise and when it was decriminalised no longer had too, but it still horrified society - and so when he "came out" he was driven out and not allowed contact with me - i was bullied i didnt understand why they said or did the things they did, and being the only kid in the school who had a single parent - i hadnt helped my case by making up occupations to explain his absence in those cringeworthy "what does daddy do for a living" sessions. My mum was thrown out of the church because of the association with him - even though she hadnt known, but a divorced woman was unacceptable as well - that was the times we lived in.
I didnt find out until the late 70,s when a drunk neighbour blurted it out among a host of swear words after i said i wanted to look for my dad, and everything fell into place about the bullying etc - and as the Aids crisis emerged and people blamed homosexuality for that too, i still couldnt talk about him without meeting disgust and rejection in return along term boyfriend even dumped me because of it and so in the end i didnt, i actually if asked killed him off - i had checked phone directorys but not knowing where he lived there wasnt much chance of ever contacting him anyway - then a few years later, out of the blue i got a letter from an aunt i didnt know existed who had tracked me down via that same neighbour - saying he wanted to meet me - we met twice, we wrote a lot and within a year he died.we both commented at the time we met about the significance of the lional ritchie song is it me youre looking for - (even though it was about a different situation) and because he had played it so much, his partner chose it for the funeral - for years after i would have what i recognise now as panic attacks whenever that song was played.
The reason i,m telling you this is that a massive part of my grief was that we hadnt had the opportunity to make up for the lost years or create new memorys - for me apart from a couple of meetings and a death bed scene, there was a blank space in which i had missed so much more - and because indirectly he had caused me to be bullied and again i stress i knew it wasnt his fault, but grief does things too our thinking.
But he had a new grandchild and another on the way, he had reached out to me, we had got on well,we really believed we had the chance to make up those lost years and it was snatched away by his death - so even though your early relationship was very different and your blank space is filled with his direct bullying I think this is making your grief harder because you are grieving not just for the dad you lost but the dad you should have had - if that makes any sense.
Add to that you became his carer and put your own life on hold then it is no wonder you have not recovered from that -
I have had other losses since then but one thing that happens is i feel i need to go away, to make a big gesture perhaps do something that will distract me, it makes no sense when you have been over a cliff to jump off another one, but thats what we do - i think maybe we do it to try and get back some sort of control of our lives as well, we jumped therfore it was our decision - but it doesnt work and when it doesnt we become more disillusioned and disapointed too.
Coming here helped me i didnt come her about grief for my dad that had been many years before and i had stiffled it.No one around me now even knows about my dad people dont ask when you get to a certain age but if they did i wouldnt hesitate to tell the truth its very different now, but this was the first place i ever wrote it down trying to help some-one in your position, and in doing so i could then better understand my own reactions too it.
When i came here the loss of my husband had left me no longer able to cope with anything -and i am much better able to express things when i write them down, and this is a safe place to do that, people here dont criticise us for our feelings, and dont tell us to move on get over it etc etc, so if you want to start that diary go to the diary page - and start one but start it with how you are feeling now day to day. I did one initially in the form of letters to my husband - Not only write it but read it back, because on the really bad days when you think you are no further forward you can go back and see that you are and remember that last week you had a much better day and when you do that and the black clouds are hanging over you its a reminder that sometimes they have shifted so they can do so again.We can read it and we will answer if we think we can say something that might help so it isnt private but maybe it will help you make sense of things - thats what we are here for, but we are not professional councellors just people also bruised from loss so please consider getting some professional help as well.
I dont know how much your boyfriend knows of your story but if he cares enough to come here after you, then i think he cares enough for you to be able to tell him all of it and how you are feeling.Maybe you are afraid he will leave but pushing him out and trying to pretend you are ok when you arent might be worse for both of you, and perhaps for some-one looking in, it might seem incomprehensible that you are grieving for a man who was abusive towards you so maybe explain that you are grieving for the dad you should have had as well and that might help him understand better.