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Feeling very lost

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Mikecap87:
Hi, this is my first post here, I'm feeling like I need to speak and if anyone has any advice I'd appreciate that.

I lost my mum 6 months ago now and am grieving more than I ever have done, I don't normally express my emotions much and certainly didn't in the past, but it all seems to be getting too much now,

I've also been doing some fairly stupid things since my mum went and I'm trying to understand the fact that I've changed a bit since and not for the better,

At the time my mum was in her final stages of cancer me and my long term girlfriend (we lived together) were trying to come to terms that we couldn't work and should break up, this was mutual although very sad, anyway she stuck by me as much as she could after my mum died, but we always felt we never loved each other enough,

I had a pre arranged trip to thailand coming up that I decided to still go on, big mistake, as I then started really grieving and ws crying most days, I then ended up getting with another woman (no sex but still being ungaithfull) my girlfriend found out nd I was kicked out of my home upon my return, to live with my dad,

I couldn't explain to anyone let alone myself why I was so weak and tempted by another woman, but I knew it was wrong, anyway after a few months have passed me and my ex have been getting closer again, but I've ended up hurting her by seeking what I feel instant gratification from other women, going on dates, spending time with others and even meeting for sex, I wasn't telling my ex ay of this until she has repeatidly found out several occurrences,

My ex is now potentially pregnant with my child, is going for a scan in a week, we both thought we could keep it, but she doesn't want to be around me anymore, which I completely understand! what I don't understand is why I now keep messing things up for myself, I want to be with her, I know she would make the best mum in the world and I know we could be very happy,

So I'm now dealing with more grief for my mum than I ever have before and extremely sad about the situation with my ex, I'm at a loss with what to do and keep pushing those who love me away :(
I feel I've turned into not a very nice person who's constantly seeking attention from others to feel slightly better

Mikecap87:
Also to add, my Dad has since moved out and is getting on with his life, he is now engaged to the head nurse who was looking after my mum in the hospice, all this after just 6 months, I feel my dad is being very selfish, I never see him as he's never around and we hardly speak much as he's always busy with his new life!

I basically feel like I now have no one close in my life and the only person I did have I have repeatedly pushed away.

Joann:
 :hug: :hug: I am so very sorry for what you are going through. Grief does change you and sometimes its easier to make decisions because we dont want to think about the consequences. Keep posting, you will find a very supportive group here.

Mikecap87:
Thank-you Redeemed, 
I just can't ever seem to make the right decisions for the people that I actually care about, I'm a nice person but I've been acting very selfishly recently, and its hard because I know my ex is going through a he'll of a lot too with this possible pregnancy, but I'm not being there for her  :cry:

Emz2014:
 I think grief hits us so deeply we can do stuff that is out of character, and in a way it is a way of seeking feeling something either because in a way we deeply feel numb inside or a way of trying to distract from the pain or turmoil we feel inside.  I have seen this with a friend years ago and I think is something we can only make sense of some time later

It is kind of a way of seeking comfort.  Losing a loved one can really put strain on a relationship, its hard.  My boyfriend and I had a difficult time after I lost my dad

Keep talking with us, talking helps us process our feelings xx

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