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Six weeks
Cairo:
Six weeks ago this afternoon I received a telephone call from the hospital. I thought they were going to tell me my husband finally had a bed in the specialist unit he'd been waiting for 10 days. Instead they told me he was being taken in for emergency surgery and was so weak there was a risk he wouldn't survive. I rushed to the hospital but he was already in theatre so I didn't have a chance to see him or say goodbye. He died in intensive care the following morning.
Just a few days before he'd had a drain put in and had been in a lot of pain. He telephoned me late that evening to tell me not to worry; he wasn't going to die. He joked about it. In the end that wasn't true and I don't know if he realised it. I don't know if he was scared or if he just thought he'd have the operation and recover. That phone call haunts me.
I was with him when he died but he wasn't conscious. I saw him in his coffin at the Chapel of Rest. So why is it that I can still expect him to come home? That I think it's him on the phone?
I was used to him being away at sea and being on my own so I thought I could handle this better. I know a lot of the time I'm still in a state of shock and disbelief. We had so many plans for this year and I can't believe he won't be with me. How long does it take before you stop thinking it's all a mistake or a bad dream?
I am managing to work 3 - 4 hours a day and it's helping me to have something to focus on. I have been out a few times with friends and enjoyed some of it. I'm making plans to be back in the UK for several weeks this summer and bringing my dog with me which will be a major expedition via Amsterdam and Hook of Holland. Everyone tells me I'm doing okay and I'm being brave. But I fall apart every day and miss him so badly. They don't see that.
My husband was a Falklands veteran and used to say he felt he had to live his life to the full to make up for those who had died in 82. A strange thing happened when I was on the way to his funeral. I felt him telling me that he was handing the baton onto me now, and I had to live my life to the full to make up for him losing his. I really want to do that for him but there is a great empty hole in my life and I'm filled with such sadness and regret.
I know from reading other posts that what I'm feeling is all normal but I wanted to write my thoughts and feelings. People ask me how I am but I can't answer them and tell them. What do you say?
Hubby:
:hug:
So much of what you write rings true with me. The plans for the future, the not saying goodbye, the expecting them to come home. I wish I knew the answers to your questions but I don't think anybody does. I guess we all have to work our way through this painful process at our own speed and accept that it will take as long as it takes but we will reach a point where it doesn't hurt as much.
As for people asking how you are that is an impossible question for me to answer. I don't know how I am from one minute to the next. I usually use the phrase "bearing up" for most people which seems to be the answer they expect. :undecided:
longedge:
--- Quote from: Hubby on April 05, 2016, 10:16:03 PM ---I usually use the phrase "bearing up" for most people which seems to be the answer they expect.
--- End quote ---
Well I decided from the outset to try to be honest. If people don't want to know, perhaps they shouldn't ask but I'm not saying I'm alright when I'm not! It's surprised me because I've had hugs and tears and understanding from friends, neighbours and relatives but nobody has reacted badly when I've replied something like,"Not very good. I'm having a really bad time of it at the moment." I've stood in the aisle in Sainsbury in floods of tears with one of Chris' carers from the Hospice and felt better afterwards knowing that she really truly cared. I might be lucky with ny friends and acquaintances but it's worked for me....
Karena:
Cairo when i moved i hung his dressing gown on the bedroom door and put his slippers by the bed,because even though i watched him die i was waiting for him to come back, i even spun myself a ridiculous little story as i did it that he was working away doing something very important for an indefinate period.Maybe because we so want to get rid of the pain and to be able to function and want it not to have happened it's our brains way of protecting ourselves.
I also found it difficult to answer people honestly, to this day i still automatically answer ok even when i,m not,perhaps thats a form of denial too, a hope that if we say it often enough we will believe it ourselves.
Your trip sounds very adventurous, i also decided to live my life for both of us.and i try hard to fulfill that. for me, because i am not good at socialising,I feel as though i need legitimacy to be somewhere carrying a camera has become my prop for that and works for me because i like travel and nature. I remember a discussion here about eating out alone,I could not walk into a restaurant and eat alone but then i realised it doesnt matter because i,m happier to grab a sandwhich and eat on the go.My attempts to join things locally failed, because i didnt "fit in" i used to think there was something wrong with me, but in reality that didnt matter either, because i really didnt want to do that activity, it was just things others think you "ought to do" so my advice would be chose the things that matter to you and avoid distress over things that are not important to you.
I dont think anything has plugged that gaping hole or ever will. but if you think of it like a crator, it remains through all time, but crators form part of the structure of our world New life forms around their edges,, they green over and become less stark, it doesnt happen overnight, nature decides what will grow there and how long it will take,we are conditioned to have goals and timescales in our society the "fifve year plan" and it is difficult to let go of that, but nature doesnt conform to those human goals it goes its own way.
Cairo:
I've realised that the times I feel least in pain are when I'm most in denial. I don't know what to do about it, whether to just let things take their course or to try to make myself face reality. I have a good meditation tape that helps me release my tears so I'm trying to listen to that each day.
I think one of the challenges of life after bereavement is finding out who you are now. I know I'll never be the same person I was a few weeks ago. I'll be a sadder one but I hope a better one. Lots of things that seemed important now seem totally unimportant. I've always been a bit of a rebel so goodness knows where my life will take me once I'm stronger.
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