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A message that may help you very much from one of our members.

Started by Dave Administrator, February 11, 2019, 11:15:19 AM

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Dave Administrator

The post below was made by one of our members Angela Pinner who you can see in the VT (link at end of her post) when BUK received an award for helping bereaved people. I believe it will have great value in helping you cope with your own bereavement so I have had Angela's permission to post it here.

The Nature of BUK ......

I've read a lot on here lately, I've listened to a lot of comments too and I've notice that many express concern over the lack of "positive posting" so I just want to share some thoughts on this and hope you will stay with me for it concerns us ALL ....

I, as well as many, love so much to read a positive post, to hear how well some are doing and how well they are moving forward in this life that none of us wanted or ever envisaged. They are wonderful posts and give us hope and something to hang on to in those days when everything is so raw and we question whether we will ever survive this pain and heartache that wrecks our bodies, our minds and throws aside everything we thought we knew about ourselves ...... the "me" ..... the "us" that we know no more.

The nature of BUK, however, is where we come, when we can no longer face the outside world, when the pain and the grief overwhelms us and we know not where to turn. When the supporters disappear expecting us to be over it, when the friends and family that should be there, just aren't, when we cant face getting out of bed, when we cant find the "front" to put on to the outside World ...... BUK, is where we turn, knowing we can pour out our hearts and people there completely understand.

It is exactly for this reason we cant always post something positive ..... It's our SAFE place where we can say it exactly as it is and know that support is there, without judgment.

The one thing we must all take on board, above all else is that there is NO right or wrong way to grieve. There is no time limit. We all proceed at our own pace and that is the pace that's right ONLY for us.

Many deal with their grief a lot quicker then others, many never deal with it at all. NEITHER IS WRONG.

Some make bucket lists and embrace everything they might have wanted to do before but never could, maybe because having a disabled partner or parent stopped them from doing do. Many move home, some because they are forced to financially, others because they cannot live with the memories. Many go on to new relationships. Many hit drink, cigarettes, poor diets and chocolate and barely get out of bed. Others become gym fanatics, run marathons in good causes or fight for justice in the belief that "something good must come from something so bad".

NONE is RIGHT nor WRONG ...... It's just what we need to get us through this awful pain and place in our lives.

I am always so, so pleased to hear that someone is making headway, as well as how they have achieved it. So too, I confess it makes me question "What am I doing wrong, why am I not making progress?" Like many on here, now at a similar stage, I'm shortly to hit my 3rd Anniversary ...... I'm entering my 4th year of bereavement. In those early raw days I fluctuated between not wanting to move forward for fear of forgetting him, and I didn't want to forget, or of thinking, I wish I was two years further down the line so I knew I had "survived" this, "got over it", so great was the fear that I didn't know how to go on ...... how stupid that now seems looking back ! Well, I'm double that now, yes I know I've survived it, but I still don't feel like I'm living and there are many times I still feel I'm making no progress ...... it doesn't mean what I'm doing is wrong. Most of all, now, I know there isn't any "getting over it" just learning to live with it and acceptance of the fact that the life I/we dreamed of/envisaged/planned, was laying foundations for is gone and I can never have that back.

So very many of us have outside influences that impact greatly and add to our grief that can delay our Bereavement, some call it complicated grief. Yes, I guess it is complicated, they are factors outside our control mostly. Be it financial problems/restrictions, forced to leave our homes, loss of our jobs because employers don't understand or we cant face going back, disabilities that keep us confined to our homes meaning we cant socialise ...... every single one impacts greatly and can stop or delay us making progress and moving forward. That is why dealing with grief can only be OUR way, at OUR pace, what we can manage or we cant.

Personally, I've become somewhat of a recluse lately, struggling to deal with the day or get out the door. Many on here have become long term friends, we chat on Messenger or sometimes by phone, most I've never met, many, sadly, I know I never will, but I'm so thankful for their support over these last many years and I hope too, they feel I have supported them. I'm restricted by health and the fact that we hadnt long moved when my husband died so suddenly before me without any warning, so we hadn't had chance to make friends. I love where I live, it was our dream, but a more awful bunch of neighbours I've never come across. I have a Son and two young Grandsons only 10 miles away. Regrettably I get no support. My Son was involved in a near fatal RTA some years ago, he suffers from brain damage and, as a result, knows no empathy. He and his family cannot cope with a Mother/Grandmother who no longer knows who she is and is only half of the person she once was ..... im not the strong, resilient, person they thought they knew. I've tried, when I'm able, new areas, social groups, bereavement groups, pushing and pushing myself forward. Trying to forge a new life. It's taken me nearly 3 years and so very many tears before realising I was trying to do this for everyone else. It wasn't making me happy. I was trying to paint the smile on my face that everyone wanted to see because THEY couldn't deal with what I was really feeling. Ive realised now, it's their problem, it's not mine. So, I've cut myself off a bit, I stay at home with my memories, I stay where I feel safe and where I can cope ...... for now. It's not WRONG, it is what it is, it's just what I need, at least for now ..... its my only way of coping without burning myself out .....

BUK, as I see it, is like a big boat where we are all afloat together, lost at sea in the storm of all storms. Being thrashed against rocks, drowning in water, trying to stay afloat on this boat whose rudder is broken, that we have no control over, where we cant direct which way it's going to go. We hang on for dear life, supporting each other. At sometime or another each of us will step in to our own little life boat and launch ourselves free, heading for calm waters and the shore that is calling us. Many of us will make it, in a year, in four or maybe even more ..... some of us might never. We will each reach our own shore where we can "survive" once more, where the sun might be out, where peace might be found, but where life and all we knew, friends and family included might be very, very, different. Many will get to shore but might not be able to get out without help. Many will be dragged under, almost drown in just the attempt and be rescued by the big boat before they try it again. Many will not lower the life boat at all.

What will shock us ALL, is just how much time it will take for us to make any progress .....
that nothing prepares you for the sole destroying loneliness you will be forced to endure, nor helps the overwhelming emptiness that is inside of you no matter how many people are surrounding you .....

Where ever you are, what ever you do, just know it's right for YOU .... no RIGHT, no WRONG, it's what works for YOU !

In the meantime, positive posts, happy posts, struggling posts, raw posts, all are well .....
BUK is here for ALL. If there is one good I feel has come out of my husband's death it's a compassion and understanding for others like I have never known before ...... a compassion and understanding that is so evident in this group ....... My heart goes out to you all. Just keep posting.

Here is the link to the ITV Good Morning Britain video curtesy of ITV. April 2017 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8osqhadIOGE
Take care and please keep posting however small or large you can manage, we need them.


Thank you, its so new for me and you just expressed exactly how I feel in so many ways


I  have just read Angela's post and I found it so, so helpful. I am so grateful that I have found this site.
And it sounds rather mean, but when I read other postings that are sad or distraught it makes me feel a bit better because I  feel I am not the only one suffering so terribly. In a funny way it makes me feel less alone. So thank you everyone for all your posts- they are really helping me in my deep grief.


Its not mean, its just really reassuring to know that you're not alone and there are others who will understand  :hearts: xx
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx



Thank you Dave and thank you Angela.  This message is really illuminating.  At last on this forum there are people who really know what I am going through.  Yesterday evening I stepped out into the garden to sit by our little water feature and a lovely water lily has just flowered.  Of course, the first thing I would have done would be to go indoors and tell my husband but he isn't there.  I just sat by the water lily sobbing.  It is only three weeks since he died and it has been terrible.  But somehow this is helping, if anything or anyone can.


 :hug: It is very early days and i can totally relate to you sobbing over that,i had to move house and dug a pond in part to try and recreate the garden we shared and loved and i couldnt now get back into. In part because my prolific pond digging had been a joke between us - my husband used to say if i went out there with a spade - dont be digging any more ponds - and in a way i supose i may have subconsciousely been inviting him to come back and tell me off again.
The following year a marginal plant appeared i hadnt planted it, so left it alone and just watched to see what it would be. It flowered at the time as the death of a friend, and i wondered if in some way it was a message,a way of sending me a hug he couldnt otherwise send.
I agree being here helped me a great deal, just knowing others understand helps you cope with the lonliness a bit better.


Thanks Karena.  I have been very fortunate this weekend, my sisters came out to France to spend the weekend with me.  It was so lovely to be with family.  We all get on so well together and we had a lovely weekend, even if I did blub once or twice!  You see something and it sets you off doesn't it?  I am glad I was married to such a sweet-natured kind man for 25 years, I was very fortunate in that sense.  Just wanted it to go on forever.  Jill


thank you Dave and Angela for that , yes I agree totally with everything you said , its when everybody goes away and you are left all alone with your thoughts , everybody tells me I am a strong woman and I can deal with this , that's not how I feel right now for sure ,


Wow! Thanks for sharing this. Really hits home for me  :hug:
Also @mavis me too, thank you
Trying to get thru, one day at a time 💔


Thank you for sharing this on the forum. I am so glad I got a chance to read it. What a wonderful and thoughtful piece. Inspiring and full of empathy for all who find themselves here  :hearts:


Hi I'm new here not sure how it works but sure could do with a shoulder to cry on right now


Sending you a hug Tiddles.  :hug: when you feel ready you can share how you are feeling with us.  It can help to talk about how you're feeling or memories
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx


Hi I'm new here and not to sure what I'm doing.I lost my mum 9 weeks ago tomorrow
And I'm really struggling :cry:


Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx