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Cruse bereavement care

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SarahB:
Thank you Karena.

I guess I am trying to move too fast. I'm trying to hold on to everything, my friends included incase they forget me but at the minute I just don't want to socialise a lot. It does hurt me because all of them drive but there's always a factor - boyfriends, partners, oh I have a baby aged 3 who won't settle without me - none of them 'get it'. And I find myself thinking awful things like 'oh my God, WHEN is this going to happen to you too?? Why did I lose both of mine? You haven't lost anyone!!!' I don't say that obviously but everyone at the moment seems to me like they are in this GLORIOUS BUBBLE OF HAPPINESS. I feel like everyone is happy, except me.

I have made a bit of a decision to take a step back and try to just focus on myself. It's hard because I fear abandonment SO much but I'm sick running after people when they've got nothing serious to deal with.

It happened again today when we went to pay to have the grave opened for committal of her ashes. The lady behind the desk asked her age and when I said 69 she said 'Aw dear..' as if THIS WASN'T SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN!! I'm sick of people doing that!

I'm so afraid that I WILL NOT BE ABLE to get through this. What if I can't??

Sandra61:
Stop stressing yourself out, Sarah. You will get through this, because you must, especially if you have a child who depends on you. Be glad of those cuddles and be happy being a mum. There is no point to peer into a future that hasn't happened yet and won't for a long time. Just deal with the present and the current day and let tomorrow take care of itself. You are putting too much strain on yourself and that isn't necessary.

Try to treat yourself to at least one nice thing each day and instead of focussing on the bad things the future could hold, look for the small things that are good and to be grateful for in the day that you are living through. It was sunny today and the wind had stopped howling. I was grateful for that. A friend rang me and we had a nice chat. That brightened my day.

It's the little daily things that you need to focus on, Sarah. Tomorrow will come with whatever it holds, without us worrying about that in advance, so take the pressure off yourself.

Sending strength.  :hearts: :hug:

SarahB:

Thank you Sandra. I do pressure myself so much - to fit in, to keep going, to always be the one to make contact.

I don't have a child - as such - I have pets, and they are like my children. I couldn't love them more if they were human. So I have to keep going for them, even though at times lately I have just wanted everything to end.

Sorry if I am posting this in the wrong place - tomorrow my brother and I are having my Mum's ashes committed to be with my Dad. So that's just the next chapter. Very nervous about it. Mum always wanted a Piper so I've arranged that. I just hope I can get through it.

Thanks for sending strength Sandra.  :love:

Sandra61:
Sorry, Sarah. I misunderstood your previous post.

Good luck for today. You may be surprised. I am sure you will get through it, but for me, attending the funeral, though terrifying, did bring a degree of closure for me. Perhaps it will for you too and at least you will have somewhere to go and visit your mum and dad. I find I tend to go to the graveside and chat to my parents there and tell them what's been going on in my life. I like having somewhere to go, even if it is just their bodies left there. I chat to them at home too. It's silly perhaps, but I do feel like they are around sometimes, even if I can't see them.

The piper sounds a lovely idea. Stay strong. At least you have your brother for support too. Let us know how it goes, if you would like to.  :hearts:

SarahB:
I will Sandra thank you, I appreciate that.

I am nervous and no doubt I will be tearful when the Piper starts. I just hope my Mum's very overbearing friend doesn't try to do anything unexpected. She has a way of making everything about her and I won't be able to handle it.  :cray:

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