Four days

[Cairo]

So sorry for you. I think you should go back to your GP and see if he can give you a less powerful sleeping pill that you can take so you can have one for each night. It seems crazy not to give you enough to see you through the week if you need them.

Like you (and I suspect most people) I had no idea how much and for how long bereaved people suffer. I don't think I ever made thoughtless remarks like some of those I've seen people post here. I really hope I would never be that insensitive, but I did take people at 'face value' and if they appeared to be coping I didn't think they may be falling apart in private.

[Hubby]

Thanks Cairo.

I'm due to see the GP again tomorrow. I have one sleeping tablet left I will save for tonight.

I've had a horrible night. Still not been to sleep. Too weak to get up. I got up earlier to go to the bathroom and as I went in I saw something on the floor where my wife first collapsed. I recognised my daughters dressing gown and fell to the floor in absolute hysterics. I thought she had collapsed in the exact same place. She came running upstairs. It was just a pile of washing she had left there. It took me a good 20 minutes to calm down enough to walk back to bed.

I still feel sick. I've drunk about half a bottle of gaviscon to try and settle my stomach but it's not working. I probably won't get up today.

[Karena]

please be honest with your GP maybe they can prescribe something to take the edge off day and night rather than sleeping tablets it could be them making you feel sick it could even be them making these attacks of panic worse.Also  consider some of the things others have sugested for sleeping  ,teas herbal sleep aids etc.A bath and warm milk even.
It is a long process and people do hide behind a painted smile, something i am guilty of too.

[Spaicer]

I agree, you need to be honest with your GP and then you will get the help that you need.
Take care of yourself today stay in bed and rest the best you can.
My thoughts are with you, be as kind to yourself as you can be 

[Cairo]

You are having such a tough time. My thoughts are with you. As others have said, please tell your GP exactly how you are feeling. No acting tough because you're a man ... You won't be telling him or her anything they won't have heard before and they can't help you if you don't explain how bad you're feeling.

I've managed without any drugs so far although I have herbal pills if I need them but I did use 'happy pills' during a previous period of my life when I felt I couldn't cope with everything that was happening to me. Just for a short time but the relief was enormous and helped me to face everything. Maybe you need something to take the edge off your pain for a little while, not just to help you sleep.

Please ask them also about bereavement counselling. You seemed to get some comfort from speaking to the Samaritans so perhaps it would help you to talk through everything with a professional.

No matter how bad things are, or how impossible it may seem that you'll ever escape from despair and rediscover some pleasure in living, it will happen. It may take a long, long time but as long as you keep going a day at a time, or an hour at a time if necessary, you will eventually find things easier to bear.

In the meantime remember it's okay for you to feel sad, to feel regret, fear, loss, anger or whatever you are feeling at a particular moment. Just keep talking.

Big big hugs from me xxx

[Cairo]

I didn't phrase something very well in an earlier post. Just to clarify - No-one here has made any thoughtless remarks.

What I was referring to are the comments I've seen, mainly on the BUK Facebook page, about how people who have never been bereaved make thoughtless remarks to those who are grieving. Several posters have reported being told they must be strong, that they should 'be over it', shouldn't be so miserable etc.

I've been very lucky in that only one person has said anything like that to me. It was 3 weeks after George died and I think he was just embarrassed because I started crying when I had to tell him I'd lost my husband and didn't know what to say.

Like Hubby, I had no idea until it happened to me how long and painful the journey through grief can be.

[Karena]

 :hug:don't worry I did a double take re read it then realised what you meant I,m sure others did the same.

[Hubby]

Thanks for all the replies. It really helps.

I understood what you meant in the earlier post Cairo so don't worry about that.

I have now been awake for nigh on 40 hours and strangely the tiredness has passed to be relaxed by occasional clammy sweats and dizziness. I've not cried since I freaked out this morning.

I've walked the dog and the insurance money has gone into my bank and it just about covered the funeral directors bill.

I think the problem I am having is that other financial stuff has come to light since Margaret passed which has complicated the grieving process. It is probably that and the questions and problems it raises that is stopping me sleeping. There we go, I'm crying again. 

I was weaning myself off Prozac before I lost Margaret but am now back on the full dose. The counselling is probably a long way off yet as I only have my telephone assessment on Thursday.

It is four weeks tomorrow since this nightmare began. I can't see the pain easing anytime soon.

[Emz2014]

Try and break things down into smaller chunks to deal with, then things that can wait can be noted down and you can tackle them when you feel able.  Maybe get a book to note it all in, by recording it for you to come back to might help ease your thoughts a little bit.  Any really urgent items perhaps a family member or trusted friend could help you?  Its hard to think straight in the early months of grief and when we are emotional everything is so much harder

I remember the early days, the pain that feels physical, deep inside your core.  It doesn't feel like it, and we wish to get rid of such intense pain, but be gentle, it will take time but slowly it will ease. We are always here to listen, whatever you need to talk about. 

You can try some breathing techniques for anxiety and panic attacks, by practising them when you are feeling ok can make it easier to engage those techniques during a panic.  One technique is called 7:11 breathing.  You breathe in to count of 7, then out for count of 11.  The idea is to lengthen the outbreath which helps to calm.  Can do whatever proportion works for you and feels comfortable,  like 3 in and 5 out.

Try and ensure you are drinking fluids regularly (even if you have to set a reminder/alarm to remember to) and try to keep alcohol to a minimum (I found that made me alot worse), and eat whatever you can to keep your strength up, regular small amounts would work well. All the emotions will be wearing you out

Sending a big hug xx

[longedge]

I think one of the most stupid thngs that anybody can say to anyone who is worried is "Don't worry".

I was very fortunate in that everything we had with the exception of a few premium bonds was jointly held and I had virtually completed all the 'paperwork' within a day or two of Chris dying. I was completely numb but strangely normal and it didn't hit me until after the funeral by which time everything was sorted.

The one thought that I keep having is that losing Chris has put everything else into perspective for me and inside I feel nothing else really matters very much any more. Of course it's OK for me to say that because I haven't got any other real problems anyway.

I'm sure things will start getting a little easier for you soon. Just an hour or two at first and then like I am now several days on the trot before dropping back into the pit again temporarily. I was talking with one of our friends the other evening and she's just gone through the 10 anniversary of her husbands death which affected her badly but she says that now it's only once or twice a year. Whatever happens we need to keep going for our families sake.

[Cairo]

I think you've done really well to get insurance money in already. Financial issues can be a nightmare and you have to try to deal with them when you are least feeling able to deal with them.

If it isn't urgent that you do something maybe you can leave it. I've found even a couple of weeks has made a difference to my ability to handle things but there's a lot I still haven't been able to face doing. If it's something that needs a reply perhaps you can let them know you are unwell so they don't pester you?

I haven't a clue what my financial situation will be in the future. I have a pension in my own right so I won't starve but I don't know if I'll get anything else yet.

My step-daughter registered the death as I was in pieces. She used the hospital bereavement services to notify lots of agencies at one go. I've had a letter saying I can telephone Veterans UK and give his service number to see if any survivor's pension is due but I can't face making that call. I'm just waiting until they write to me and trying to spend the minimum amount meanwhile, just in case things are going to be very tight.

You probably don't feel it but you are actually doing fine I think. Take whatever you need to be able to cope. It's still very early days and it will improve at some point.

[Hubby]

Again thanks for the replies.

Not much to report today. Slept till 6 but stayed in bed till after lunch.

It's four weeks this morning that my wife collapsed so I wasn't really feeling like doing much. I got a text from work asking how I was doing (I think it's laid down procedure after four weeks absence) so I replied and got one back saying compassionate leave ends on Friday and I will need sick notes from then if I stay off. That won't be a problem.

Went to doctors, very weak and dizzy, explained about lack of sleep and he's given me 7 sleeping pills to last to next week. Even with them I only get about 6 hours maximum. I am very anxious when I wake and the slightest noise stops me going back to sleep.

Took the dog out but nearly fell over while cleaning up after him and had to cut the walk short. My eldest did a fantastic tea and now I'm settled on the sofa. I've had a few sobs but I've had worse days.

My daughters have gone to the grave but I feel too weak to go out so I'll leave it till later in he week.

[Cairo]

It's still such early days. Just managing to get through each one is an achievement. Xx

[Spaicer]

Glad to hear you got some sleep and you have pills to get you through the week if you need them.
A day at a time - baby steps
 

[Hubby]

Got some sleep last night and got up at 11:30. Terrible ache in chest.

My daughter went to visit neighbours and I've had a good 30 minute sob while looking at photographs. That seems to have cured the ache and now I just feel a bit sad.  I reckon it takes its toll to bottle things up and a bit of a cry lets some of the pressure off.

No plans for today. Might take dog to grave or mow the lawn or something. Nothing major.

Hope you are all having better days.