Four days

[Hubby]

Thanks for the replies. It really means a lot to me that people know and understand what I am experiencing and believe I can get through it. 

I've come to bed early and taken my tablet. I'm hoping for a long sleep.

Goodnight all 

[Hubby]

Not much sleep considering. Two lots of three hours then lay awake panicking till Samaritans called. Spent fifty minutes on phone to them and calmed down a bit. There's quite a bit of other stuff That has surfaced to be dealt with besides the loss of my wife and the Samaritan suggested that this might be getting in the way of me grieving properly which kind of makes sense.

Up now and thinking of taking dog for walk to grave to try and release a few emotions.

[Cairo]

I think you are doing well. Often our emotions are complex so it's not surprising if other things are mixed up with your grief. It's hard work dealing with them but you are bring brave and facing everything from the sound of it. Hope you are feeling better today. Big hugs xxx

[Emz2014]

  xx

[Karena]

I think grief makes dealing with other things twice as hard,everything is out of kilter and if the person you lost is the person who you would have shared everything with double it again.Please try and eat that could be why you are feeling dizzy,it doesn't matter what you eat.If you can't then please keep drinking water dehydration will make you really poorly very quickly.

[Hubby]

Thanks again for the replies

I've had another rough day. I took the dog for a walk to the grave. Had a bit of a conversation and a ruddy good sob at the graveside till I was interrupted by a well meaning passerby checking if I was OK. The shortened sob did it's job and I felt quite calm when I got home.

My youngest brought us subway sandwiches for dinner which filled me up and I spent a bit of time attacking washing up in the kitchen. My eldest daughters boyfriend came down in the morning and they were watching telly.

I cooked a rump steak for Billy, our Jack Russell, because Margaret would always do him one on a Saturday and he has missed out on them the past few weeks. Then I took him out for another walk, still feeling calm.

On the  way back, at the end of the road, it hit me. A sudden thought. What is the point of going home when she isn't there anymore? I cried all the way to our gate, went in and sat on the stairs leading up to the path and cried for ten minutes. Then I went inside. I didn't want to cry in front of my daughter and her boyfriend so I went into the front room, hugged the cushion that has Margaret's dressing gown in and sobbed my heart out.

My daughter heard me and asked if there was anything she could do and I am ashamed to say I turned on her. Told her she hadn't done anything all day so why didn't she continue doing nothing. I know this really upset her. I don't know why I did it.

I then took my cushion upstairs and lay on the bed with the radio on. My daughter brought me a cup of tea, I apologised and we had a little cry together. I have been upstairs since listening to classic fm and reading. I am calm again now but so ashamed with myself for snapping at her. I've become some sort of monster 

[Spaicer]

Your daughter sounds very caring and knows you're not a monster she obviously loves you very much.
I have snapped at my daughter too & she has mild learning difficulties, I know how bad it makes you feel.
I have a cairn terrier I think having to take him out for walks helps, more than having to look after the children even.  (They're adults but I still cook, clean etc for them)
I don't have a graveside to visit, i can't even bring myself to collect his ashes yet, I definitely couldn't deal with them in the house.
I hope today is easier for you 

[Emz2014]

Your emotions are raw,  try to be kind to yourself.  I went through a phase where I would get angry and rant at work, mainly to my boss, it was so weird, it was like I wasnt me and I'd be quite surprised afterwards, unsure why I acted the way i did.  I was lucky that my boss was understanding (he had previously experienced a similar loss).  In a 1-2-1 I said that I just didnt feel like me, and he agreed but understood.  In time that 'phase' passed

We often dont feel like us on the journey, but you are doing ok, you apologised and you are both ok now.  Try not to be hard on yourself.  You are doing ok, just remember baby steps and keep talking, you can do it  xx

[longedge]

It's a terribly stressful time for everyone in the family and I'd say that you need to be careful not to open wounds that fester over a longer period. Don't worry about having lost it for a moment (could be any of us) but do make the effort to give her a hug, make it up and make sure she understands. But you've probably already done that 

[Hubby]

Thanks for the replies and being so understanding.

I had big plans for today. Number one on my list was to try and feign some sort of normality by painting the front gate. I've had the paint and brushes since before Margaret passed. I even got up and ready at 11 even though I've had little sleep.

It's now three and a quarter hours later and all I have done is have a few cries and lie on the settee. I just can't get started. If Margaret were here I would have done it all now and probably be mowing the lawn or something. Strange thing is I know I would feel better doing something rather than feeling sorry for myself but I still can't get going.

I'm also waiting for a wooden memory box to arrive from Amazon so I can start putting all my little mementoes together.

My youngest will be round with her baby for tea later. Maybe that will perk me up.

[Karena]

Hope the baby helped.They do make a difference my grandkids gave me motive to keep going.
so you didn't paint the gate but in the big scheme of things it doesn't really matter there will be another day when you feel more like it for now I think you just go with the flow and do whatever you feel like at a given time.Grief is exhausting be kind to yourself.

[Hubby]

Thanks Karena.

I finally went out and started painting the gate. Some neighbours came over with flowers to cheer my daughter up and then I got talking to a neighbour who lost her husband about six years ago. By the time we finished chatting the paint on the brush had set so I left the gate half done. There will be other days for that.

My memory box turned up, it's really nice, so I put my treasured items in it and didnt cry.

My youngest came round with her bloke and the little fella and we all had tea and a bit of a chinwag, watched four in a bed on the telly like we used to.  I had a little cry and they comforted me, and we went back to 'normal' behaviour.

After they left I decided on a early night but I had a major panic attack when going upstairs and broke down. My eldest comforted me and I decided to have a bath before going to bed to relax me as I only have one sleeping pill but two nights before I next see the doctor.

Talking to the neighbour before made me realise something. Up until now I thought people lost their partners and were upset for a month or so then carried on with their lives. That's really the way it always seemed to me. The facade the bereaved present to the world. Doesn't that sound bad?

Oh how different it is from this side of the curtains.

[Spaicer]

How true, it's going to take so much time is the conclusion I've come to. You seem to have some support around you, I hope it can be some sort of comfort to you.
I hope you get some sleep 

[Hubby]

Thanks Spaicer.

I'm going to listen to a bit of classical music and have a read till I drop off.

I hope you have a good nights sleep as well. 

[Hubby]

6:50am. No sleep yet. Nauseous, numb, weak, so tired.