Four days

[Brian71]

funny enough I think my wife was fond of Daffs too, as I've spent more time myself recently in the garden for obvious reasons, and I've noticed over the last few months the large number of Daffs we seem to have.  Roses were always some of my favourite as I've always found them pretty hardy,  look nice and just need a good pruning back each year but always seem to tear my hands to shreds on them, but have quite a lot of those too.

She always spent much more time in our gardens than what I did,  her foster parents who raised her in a village near Malvern had a small-holding, her foster father worked on a local farm so she was very knowledgable indeed when it came to flowers...me I can't tell the difference sometimes between a weed or a flower...lol

Yesterday, I went over our 3 lawns with some lawn treatment to help get rid of the dandelions as I seem to have more of those than actual grass,  but I fear I may have over done it when it came to the amount applied,  I'm just hoping I don't end up having to relay 3 lawns...lol...things like this she would have known about.
Anything to do with electronics or computers I'm your man, as that was my business for over 40yrs.... but gardening...NO WAY... but I do my best, and it gives me something to do when at home.

[Hubby]

Thanks for the replies. It helps to know people sympathise and understand.

Today has been a reasonable day. Work presented no problems and I had a counselling session in the afternoon. The counsellor tries to explain that I should focus on happy memories and put any negative feelings behind me but that is really hard to do. I'll keep trying though.

After counselling I went back into work, I didn't have to but I just fancied s bit of a drive to the depot to clear my head.

An engineer fired an emergency call system for my daughter in he house today. That will put me a bit more at ease knowing that if she feels herself going into a fit she can get help. It even makes a call automatically if she falls.

I also got a replacement for my old desktop PC. I don't need snyghing fancy so I opted for a refurbished dell PC from Amazon. It came with a screen, keyboard and mouse and only cost £70 for the lot. Setting it up will keep me busy over the weekend if I can't get outside to do jobs.

I had a bit of feeling upset in the counselling and a ruddy big sob about half an hour ago but most of the day has been fairly OK

[Brian71]

Sounds rather like a mixed day, but tolerable hubby which is good,  I'm at my first counselling session myself on Friday morning,  but I have to travel 18 miles to them, they don't come to the home as some 1 to 1 do, as apparently it's too far away. Will see how it goes before deciding whether I wish to continue with it, as I think I'm coping a little better mentally than I was,  just one small tear session tonight when my daughter was discussing her Mums last minutes on the phone, as she was present when she died.

Today was a very lazy day, never even made my bed, first time I've not done it, so need to make sure that doesn't become a bad habit.   Anyway tomorrows another day and I hope it goes well for you my friend.

Best wishes.....Brian..... 

[Karena]

Hubby that's a lovely story,I think I would have liked Margaret,its those endearing things that we miss but at the same time bring a smile.

Brian my first two counselling sessions were tough and I thought about throwing it in,but in the end I was glad I didn't.I don't know about the dandelions,it depends what you used,I think there is weed killer for lawns that shouldn't kill the grass.
I don't use it at all, I don't mind dandelions flowering because they're a good source of nectar early in the season,soon as the flowers die I mow them so they can't seed and spread.I don't have so much lawn though just a wide path and a circle at the bottom for grandkids to play on, the rest is pond,woodland,fruit trees and veg beds.I love gardening and always feel happier and less alone in the garden than the house.

[Hubby]

Thanks for the replies.

I had a bit of a meltdown last night. I was actually shouting for Margaret to come into the room because I had a nightmare she had died. For some reason I got it into my head that if I did that she would come in and everything would be sorted. That's got to be taking clutching at straws to a whole new level.

Strangely I've had quite a good day today. Work went well and I dropped in at an aunts house on the way home. I made rump steak, chips and salad for tea and then spent a few hours next door making funny faces with my grandson. I've not cried at all.

There's still my bedtime cry to come but it looks like I'm between waves at the moment.

If your still up Brisn a tip for the counselling tomorrow.  Don't mention any thoughts of taking an easy way out if you have had any. they asked me at my counselling assessment and I mentioned I had as I thought that might be a something that passed through many people's minds following a bereavement (and was something I had already discussed with my doctor). Next thing I know I was being threatened with being sanctioned if I didn't go to see the mental health crisis team! 

[Hubby]

Forgot to put something in my update.

One of my jobs today was to shadow someone who services some of our plant. I've worked with him many times in the past and he's a great bloke but it illustrates how little people know about bereavement (or how good my mask is)

When we met he said the usual "Long time no see, where have you been?" pleasantries to which I replied that I had been off work for a while and was on light duties. Of course he pursued this and I told him that I had lost my wife in March. He did the sorry to hear that, how did it happen? Bit and I explained what had got on. We talked for a while about it then he asked a question.

"Do you still miss her?"

I don't want to be that bloke who makrs people feel uncomfortable so I replied "yes I do, it's harder than you'd think" and left it there.

Thing is, before I lost Margaret, that could have been me asking that question. 

[Brian71]

Thanks Hubby,   when you love someone that much for most of your life, and they are suddenly gone,  I'm sure many people who are grieving have those thoughts,  we would not be normal caring people if we didn't.   I have, but they have become less frequent as time passes.  It's unlikely I shall continue with any further counselling meetings.

re: That friend asking  'Do you still miss her' ?  your going be saying YES likely for the rest of your life Hubby,  I cant imagine me being in a place in the future where I would ever be saying NO.

Hope things go well tomorrow for you.

[Brian71]

Deleted due to duplicated post.

Anyone else noticing how slow the forum is tonight ?, which is what caused it to post twice as it seemed to hang for ages, after clicking the post button.

[Emz2014]

I think that thought goes through many people's minds after a bereavement hubby. I certainly did. It's a shame they panicked like that with you in counselling. It's a 'standard' question in counselling which people should feel comfortable enough to be honest about.  Talking it through could change the chance of someone doing it.  Worries me, as men often dont open up, don't seek help and sometimes do. Xx

[Soleil]

Hi,

Just my swing on the whole mentioning if you plan on doing something after a spouse dies. I'm sure that from their point of view they are scared silly for the 'one' who might try and do something and if they haven't asked for the record and taken action to prevent it, then the employee and the center would be criminally responsible if that person were to succeed. I'm sure they are caring people at counselling but they are also liable and I do agree Hubby that probably most people have at least thought of it even though they are likely too rational to ever do something. You never know how people or help centers will react. Hope you are having a good day.
 

[Brian71]

You are right Jakers, they do have to act if someone mentions they have those dark thoughts, it's what they call 'Duty of Care'   hence why I said 'NO I don't have those thoughts' when I was asked today at my first and only session.   Of course I had them a few times,  when I was at my lowest but only lasted a couple of minutes, and as time has passed they occur less frequently, and lasting mere seconds.  I think I've passed through that danger period, in fact I know I have. 
TBH, I think it's bad enough your children losing their Mum or Dad without giving them double grief.   If we didn't have any children,  (all mine are adults now of course).. then I honestly don't know if I would have done or not, when your in that frame of mind I don't think anyone knows.

[Hubby]

Thanks for the replies.

They do have a duty of care but I found them to be pretty inflexible even after I told them I had spoken with my GP. Mind you I was doing some pretty deep research into suicide methods at that time. The feelings have started to fade but occasionally resurface with less intensity.

It's another two day usage tonight as I didn't get online last night.

Yesterday was work followed by s night out with my workmates. We all go out once a month on payday and I have missed it for about eight months for various reasons. I nearly didn't go last night but forced myself and I'm glad I did. I got home about 11pm slightly merry and carrying pie and chips from the chippy.

Today was another write off. I stayed in bed till five. I think the rotten weather helped as I would have got up if there were a chance I could have done something outside but I can't face being stuck in the house all day. It's just too quiet and gives me too much time to start thinking about how much fun it used to be.

[Karena]

  glad you night out went well.I don't know why it is as there's a myriad of jobs to do inside but I also find it much more motivating to get on with a job outside.
I was thinking this morning how much I,have changed.We had a thunderstorm at 5am I used to be terrified of them,but my only worry this morning was it might wake up the little munchkin who got up at 4 the previous morning,wide awake and ready to play.It didn't,but i actually got up and went outside to watch it,perhaps I,m turning into a cave woman,the cave being somewhere to sleep and shelter,but only really functioning outdoors,better watch out I think they put you away if you get seen storm worshipping in your PJ,s.

[Hubby]

Thanks Karena.

I think being in the house has too many memories and triggers knocking about. At least when I am outside I can fool myself into a sense of the old normality, almost as if Margaret was in the house waiting for me. When I'm in that option is gone.

Today I did quite well. I made a big cooked breakfast for my daughter and her boyfriend (actually I only did it to get them out of bed) then I went in the garden and did some tinkering around. I had meant to paint but didn't feel up to it.

After that I did a few little jobs in he house before cooking tea for my youngest and her boyfriend while my grandson had me chuckling away with his antics. This week I tried Mexican food, nachos and fajitas but I've decided I don't like it so that will be the last time I cook it.

I did a few more little jobs and my daughters boyfriend resurrected old sparky, my old computer, so now the replacement I bought is just taking up space. 

I also paid off a debt Margaret owed to one of her friends. The friend said she didn't want the money back but it was playing on my mind so I thought it better to clear it off to tie up another loose end.

No crying today. Just the nightly weep to get me to sleep.

Hope everyone has a good bank holiday 

[Soleil]

Hi Hubby,

Sounds like a pretty good day even if you didn't like the fajitas (I'm with you on that one) at least you gave something new a try. I agree with paying off debt, even if you doubt yourself sometimes, you are bang on the right track. I hope you have a great week inside or out. I think we need outside as much as possible to get our Vitamin D and the serotonin that we need. I hope you have a wonderful week.