Four days

[Karena]

Nothing wrong with shoe boxes and CD,s hubby that way you're covered  if either get lost or damaged as long as you don't keep the CDs in the shoe box anyway.You could transfer some of the special ones to memory card or USB stick,get them printed and create a memory box for your grandson when you're feeling up too it.
Hope things go OK tomorrow 

[Hubby]

Thanks for the reply Karena. I think the computer is totally kaput. I won't be able to check the CDs for pictures till I get another one, an expense I could do without.

I was working with the boss this morning and he made sure I got off in plenty of time to get to the counselling. It was nowhere near as difficult as last week. In fact I don't think I cried once. I still can't get my head around some of the issues though as hard as I try. I seem to be stuck in one way of thinking and no matter how much people try to point out alternative ways of looking at things I can't move on.

I've also got an absolutely rotten cold. It's so bad I had to scrap the planned cooked tea and replace it with microwave meals and I've been in bed since just after six generally feeling unwell. I've had a Horlicks and hopefully it will be short lived. Margaret would have kept me well supplied with lemsip, hot toddys and milky drinks but it looks like I'm going to have to get my own. These are the sort of things I'm going to really miss. 

[Emz2014]

I still like to print off my photos,  I like to have photo albums to sit and flick through, (along with my electronic copies backed up on CD) It's a nice feeling having a photo album.   Snapfish do offers every few months where you can get something like 100 prints for around £6, (upload photos online) so I do batches of prints of my photos every now and then,  printing off the best ones then spend time updating my albums
Something you might want to consider when you feel up to it. Maybe a friend could let you use their computer to look through photos on cds, when you feel ready xx

[Karena]

Sometimes I think the things and thoughts you can't get your head round are just too mammoth to get straight until you are stronger,like the rest of this process it takes time.

[Hubby]

Thanks for the replies.

I've got some of my favourite pictures on a memory stick for one of my digital photo frames but I can't bring myself to set it up just yet. Having lots of pictures of Margaret displaying on a slideshow would be too much at this stage. It does seem to take time to get the strength together to face some things. Like looking through my memory box.

The problem I am having is that I found Margaret had been keeping some financial  problems she had been having from me. They could have easily been sorted but for some reason she kept the burden to herself.

I thought we had a relationship with no secrets and absolute trust, I certainly had no secrets from her, and it has forced me to rethink the whole relationship. I cannot grieve properly till I know why she couldn't come to me with the problem and the only way to find that out would be to ask her which is, of course, impossible.

I think I know why but there are so many unanswered questions I cannot help running through multiple scenarios some of them not very pleasant at all. I don't think I will ever know the truth and that really, really hurts. 

As for today nothing to report. I've been laid up in bed all day with an awful cold (it might even be ... MAN FLU!). My daughter has been looking after me with cups of tea and hot toddies and most of the time between I have been asleep. I'm hoping to be well enough tomorrow to drag myself into work. I've had enough sick time off this year.

Take care everyone.

[Soleil]

Hi Hubby,

I hope that there is an explanation for Margaret needing to keep things from you as yes, it opens it all up. For now, I guess give the benefit of the doubt til you find out more. I hope you soon recover from the flu. Your resistance is probably quite low just now so you need to be vigilant about taking care of yourself.  A daughter bringing you tea and hot toddies and sleep are certainly the best way to get back on course. 
Take care,

[Hubby]

Thanks Jakers.

I try hard to give the benefit of the doubt, I really do.

Unfortunately she had been keeping the secret from me for at least twenty years. After she died we sorted out the problem within a month. It would have been even quicker had she been here. We could have sorted it in days.

So many questions that will never be answered.

[Soleil]

Hi Hubby,

I'm on the chat and got your notification. You may find that this could be complicated grief. I have some myself, not the same as yours, but when things get tangled up, it may mean you need that counseling more than ever. My own grief involves 3 devastating losses, a friend's suicide, another friend's death of cancer while she was on holiday and a job loss.  I thought I had dealt with them but such is not the case.   Just so you know we can all get thrown for a loop sometimes. 

Hope it works itself out

 

[Emz2014]

Even if she did choose to keep this from you, it doesn't diminish what you had atall, and does not take away from the love you shared at all.  There are so many possibilities of why, but rather than focus on that, focus on the times you shared - thats where the true love is.  The things you did for each other, the moments you shared, the gestures, the looks, the experiences - thats the meaningful things

Money is a man-made construct - it causes so many problems, dont let it hurt your memories of your relationship xx

[Brian71]

Hello Hubby,    regarding your wife feeling she could not confide in you, regarding finances,  I suspect this was likely because she was a little embarrassed perhaps to tell you.  None of us are perfect, its what makes us so individual, we all have our faults,  but even with the small flaws I'm sure it doesn't change how we feel about them and would pay all the money in the world just to have had a bit more time with them.   Remember the positive things that made us love them the way we do, and miss them every minute of the day,   which is why it's so tough to come to terms they are no longer with us.   As my dear wife would say... PMA.... (positive mental attitude)


Best wishes.....Brian..

[Karena]

I agree with Emz. Focus on what you do know because you may never know the answer too this.
I understand its a trust issue more than just money but its really easy to get an idea in your head and let it nag away until you have built it into something much bigger than it is.There is an element of paranoia in grief i think,and i do wonder whether subconsciousely its some kind of defence mechanism, as if our mind thinks we will miss them less if we suddenly discover they had a big fault and so it niggles away at that.Also when we lose them that loss is so great we build them into being perfect,when in reality nobody is , so finding something like this shifts that pedestal that only we ourselves had put them on.
Sometimes you have to take a step back and look at the big picture take a deep breath and have faith that the person you loved and believed in is the whole person but is human and made mistakes sometimes, just as we all do.

 

[Hubby]

Thank you very much for all the replies.

I loved Margaret with every fibre of my being. She was everything to me, my reason for living. I would have given her anything.  I feel betrayed that she couldn't see that and struggled with these debts for decades

Deep down I think I know why she kept it secret from me. Unfortunately I thought I was a good husband who she could always turn to with her problems. Seems I wasn't. It has cast doubt on everything I thought our relationship was based on and there is also the niggling thought that there may be other things she has kept from me that I may never know about.

It all makes grieving so much harder. How am I supposed to grieve properly when I got my understanding of my relationship so wrong for so long?

I can try and resolve this. I can use what I knew of her to make a 'best fit' scenario that doesn't hurt too much and try to convince myself that was how it was but there will always be that lingering doubt that the worst case scenarios running riot in my mind are also in the running.

Up until now I have had a pretty melancholy day in work and at home. Just typing those paragraphs has destroyed me. I don't see any easy resolution.

Take care everyone.

 

[Soleil]

Hi Hubby,

I feel it so unfortunate that this has happened and you feel it has all been clouded in your recovery but the one thing in life we all must remember is that we don't always know people the way we think we know them. It doesn't make them bad but we will always feel that we will question the way things were and why it was to be that way. When you realize in time that Margaret had her frailties, as we all do, I'm sure you will separate those human weaknesses from the sound marriage that you had and why you loved her.  I could say don't beat yourself up but it's likely you will for a while because that is part of the process too. The person in my life who committed suicide was not the person I thought he was and I feel I have been betrayed and now will have to sort it all out. I was sure I knew him so well first as a boyfriend and then as a very good friend, but in some ways I didn't know him at all.  There are probably many people in all our lives like that but sadly, for you and I their death has brought it all to light.

You still are not alone in your grief journey but you have been given more or a challenge than you needed. Ultimately, you will know in your heart where it leads.

Just keep your courage and try and inch along. Giving you a bigger hug just now.

 

[Hubby]

Thanks Jakers.

I know it's going to take a long time to get my thinking straight about this but it's mainly about me and the way I think of myself. It doesn't change how I feel about Margaret one bit just as it wouldn't have changed it had she told me about it when she was here.

I've had a bit of a lazy day today again I'm afraid. I did a little overtime and stopped off at Margarets grave on the way home for a good chinwag about stuff. I felt s but better after that but couldn't be bothered doing any jobs when I got home. At this rate I will never get the backs of the houses painted before winter.

I've also had a letter from the solicitors with some paperwork to sign before they can finalise everything. Unfortunately one of he is a 'statement of truth' for the land registry but they have got all the details wrong do its back to the drawing board on that one.

[Hubby]

Not a bad day today.

Bit of a lie in then a friend was brought over yo see me. I met him walking the dog a few years ago but he had a stroke and had to move away to be nearer his family. I visit him weekly but he rarely gets out so it's nice to see him back here. We met up with someone else, walked the dogs thenwentbyo a local pub and had a couple of drinks and a catch up. I was a bit wobbly when we finished.

When he left my grandson and his mum and dad came round and I made the usual curry for tea then had a relaxing evening watching telly

Not the job filled day I had planned but altogether quite a nice day.