Four days

[Hubby]

Thanks Rajahh. I find it very hard to look at the photos but even harder not to. I only have one days worth more so I can stop torturing myself after tonight.

Today I have managed to keep busy practically all day. I did breakfast, went to the market, spent hours trimming s huge bush that was taking over the garden. I went out and bought flowers for the grave at the weekend and potted up a Passion flower for my youngests garden.

Apart from a slight wobble on the market, more of a wobbly lip than crying, I've not been too upset.

I've got a little bit of overtime tomorrow so I'm hoping the photos don't upset me too much tonight.

Hope you all have a good weekend.

[Hubby]

Well I did my overtime and a big shop on the way home. I was feeling a bit weird, spaced out, when I left the supermarket so I stopped off at the grave as I was passing the cemetery. There I had a major cry. One minute I was sat there talking to Margaret pretty calm and the next I was completely overwhelmed.

When I calmed down I went home and did tea then settled down in front of the telly. Most of the night I was OK but I had a couple more major cries. No triggers that I was aware of just suddenly busting into tears. They only lasted a couple of minutes before I stopped crying and calmed down again.

The sense of loss now seems to be even stronger when it sneaks up on me. Even so most of the day was pretty bearable

[Soleil]

Hi

Even though you may not think it, it seems you have more of a handle on things than you realize. The cries will be ongoing for as long as they are needed so never worry about that. I, myself am a crier so you most certainly have company. Yes, it's always the surprises that catch you off guard but again, it is normal. We haven't the control of our emotions we think we have.  I hope you have a good day tomorrow.

[Hubby]

Thanks jakers. I expect to have my little cry at bedtime, in fact I welcome it but lately it's been sudden completely unexpected outbursts.

It takes so much out of me as well. Today I didn't wake till after one!

I had a half hearted attempt at sorting stuff in the cupboards and cooked tea for my youngest and her fella. After that I did half an hour in the garden and filled in my timesheet for work. I've got an early start tomorrow but I probably won't sleep because of all the sleep I got last night.

[Hubby]

Today something happened that I had been warned about by a friend.

I got up early to do a job in work. Then I drove to the depot and busied myself doing piffling little jobs till home time. I drove home stopping off to get a bit of fresh fruit on the way. I pulled up outside my house and a thought entered my head. I hadn't thought about Margaret at all for about six hours.

With that thought in my head I went into the house, sat down and promptly burst into tears. It felt like the worst bout of crying I have had so far.     

As my friend put it 'Every hour of every day you will think about her and be upset, then one day you will realise you haven't thought about her for a while and the guilt will tear you apart'. He wasn't far wrong.

After an hour or so I calmed down a bit and carried on much as I have been the past few days but that really was a low point. 

[Soleil]

Hi Hubby,

I'm no expert but I think that we humans adapt to what is happening no matter what. You are now slowly accepting the situation but get knocked back when you realize it.  Just know that you always have your tears when you need them but you are inching along toward the new normal.  Never be hard on yourself or feel guilty, this is still the progression of grief and you'll bounce back and forward along the way. I'm glad you have a valuable friend who has sound insight.

Take care 

[Hubby]

Thanks Jankers. I don't like the new normal but I am getting better at muddling through most of the day.

Today I did work and dropped off at a friends house on the way home. I used to see him every day but he had a stroke about 18 months ago and had to move closer to his family so I only saw him once a week. As I've been off work I haven't seen him for quite a while.

We talked about Margaret quite a bit and I actually found myself laughing with him over some of the memories. It was actually quite pleasant.

I got home after seven and did tea, walked the dog etc. I have thought about her quite a lot today but apart from a few sniffles I muddled along quite well.

ill have my nightly weep to clear my head but, to my mind, that doesn't count.

I'll put this down as a good day.

[Soleil]

Bless you Hubby,

I think you have come so far along in a short time while not trying to prove anything. You are such an example of how on those dreadful days, you strive along best you can and eventually can even find some humour remembering your loved one through the grief. You will be fine, even though you are still on the roller coaster ride, you are doing amazingly well. I'm glad you saw your friend who can share in Margaret's memory.

 

[Hubby]

Thanks again Jakers.

I am moving forward but it seems the feelings are getting stronger when I get them. I don't think I have truly accepted that she is gone and part of me expects her to one back and make everything right again.

I didn't post yesterday. I went to work and did some minor things. I came home, did a little gardening then had a relaxing bath. Then I got really upset, had a wail, and fell asleep really early hence not posting on here.

Today I got up early and went into work. I spent the whole day pruning trees and pulling up weeds in the car park. I stopped off at an aunts house on the way home for a cuppa. When I got home I did a couple of hours gardening and walked the dog. My mother in law made us some stew which was a nice surprise as it meant I didn't have to cook the tea. I've had a relax watching telly and come to bed early because my back is killing me (and I've sunburnt my neck)

I'm feeling pretty down but I'm going to look through some photos before I go to sleep. It may sound weird but I actually think I enjoy crying and looking at pictures. 

[Hubby]

Had a good cry over the photos last night. I think it did me some good as today hasn't been so bad.

I muddled through everything without any major upsets. I've even been to the stonemasons to arrange having the stone refitted and a verse put on it. I will be happier visiting the grave when thatn is done. It just looks all wrong at the moment with the plastic marker and the stone lying down without Margarets name on it.

I'm thinking of getting some turf to speed up making it look nice once the stone is back on.

[Karena]

If you hung fire on the turf for a couple of months you could put some bulbs in with it.snowdrops crocus narcissi
for example

[Hubby]

That's a good idea Karena but they would have to be early flowering ones as the grass cutters at the cemetery start mowing very early in the year and wouldn't think twice about mowing down flowers. I might put some around the headstone.

Yesterday was a bit of a write off again. I got up late, went to work for a quick job but was really tired when I got home. I went to bed just after eight.

Today was a bit better. I got up pretty early, made a breakfast and managed to get some more painting done outside. It's slow going but it looks a lot better where I have painted. My youngest came in with my grandson and her fella like they do every Sunday and I cooked a curry. I'm getting better at cooking but there's still room for improvement.

Only a couple of daytime cries over the weekend but I still have my nightly pre-sleep weep.

It's an early start tomorrow so I'm having a bath and another early night.

Hope everyone has had a decent weekend

[Hubby]

Normal pattern to my day today.

Went to work, did work stuff OK, came home, did a bit of work and made tea. Was fine in work but very upset at home and burst into tears quite a few times. I think it's because Margaret would have loved a sunny day like today and I could imagine her fussing around making a nice meal for us all and offering us cold drinks and ice lollys every couple of minutes.

I'm now coping fine with the day to day stuff, even though I do tend to forget things or leave them to the last minute, but emotionally I'm not managing too good.

[Karena]

I know what you mean about the weather,any little thing like that is going to be emotional.those rare days when once I would have come home from work and found the barbie lit and wine in the cooler then sit out the back until sunset or the midges got too much,I still miss them but I have got back to welcoming summer days now,I just work in the garden instead,tonight I pulled the last of the rhubard picked black currents and rasberrys then did prep for turning them into jam outside,later watched the birds go to bed and the hedgehog come out for its tea all relaxing but different to before.

[Hubby]

Thanks for the reply Karena. I reckon it is definitely the weather setting me off.

Today I did all the work thing and came home and did odd jobs with no problem. Then I sat down and I could just picture Margaret sat there, sunburnt and complaining that it is "too bloody hot". That set me off crying in front of my daughters but we soon got round to laughing about how she would sit out in the blazing sun till she was burnt to a crisp and then swear blind she had only been out in it for thirty minutes. Happy memories. God bless her.