Four days

[Hubby]

Thankyou for the replies

I've had a day of two halves today. I woke up late (2pm) but managed to get myself breakfast, get out with the dog, do two shopping trips, make a fairly decent meal for tea and clean up all without any upset. In fact it was almost like a 'normal' day.

Then I sat down to relax and the crying started. I've been crying off and on all evening. I think keeping busy is the key but in a way I welcome the crying as it gives me some sort of release.

[Karena]

You are right crying does help,and keeping busy all the time is probably going to result in bottling everything up which is also not helpful.there has to be a balance and that's what you are doing Both activities are exhausting . 

[Hubby]

Thanks Karena.

Didn't go to bed till 2am. A lot of crying.  Took one sleeping pill. Slept till 6pm tonight 

Don't know what happened there. I'm still tired as well.

I've had a bacon butty (discovered you can microwave bacon) and some tea, taken dog for walk and now ready for bed again. Whole day basically a write off.

[Hubby]

Cried myself to sleep. Actually got up today. Didn't actually do anything but it was like a normal day ... except there was no Margaret.

A normal day with all the happiness sucked out of it. I coped, had a cry while I walked the dog and then back to the new normal. The new normal that I hate so much. No fun, no banter, no hugs just a big lonely emptiness.

Not a good day by any means.

[Soleil]

Hi Hubby,

I know, the road is a long and hard one. We all try and plod along best we can. Glad it was somewhat normal. We can never really know what normal is anymore in life. I'm having a cuppa right now

[Hubby]

Cheers johmac

Your right saying we can't tell what normal is but I think my time between crying is getting longer so, hopefully, I am getting somewhere.

I cried myself to sleep last night again and cried when I woke up for a short time. After that I dealt with some financial stuff which I wouldn't have been able to do a few weeks ago. I then took some of Margaret's unused stuff to the charity shop and took the dog for a walk to the grave. I cried again at the grave but nowhere near as much as I have done before.

Then I went to the doctors and did a bit of shopping while I was out.

Quite a productive day. Some sadness but bearable. I'm thinking of stopping the sleeping pills and aiming for some form of return to work in a few weeks.

[Karena]

Its a struggle  I think you need to consult your gp about the pills they might suggest you half them or take a different one rather than try and do cold turkey again.

[Spaicer]

Glad you had a more bearable day, small steps....
Hope tomorrow is just as bearable 

[Hubby]

Thanks for the replies.

You were right Karena. I went back to the grave with some fresh flowers yesterday evening and I was feeling quite calm at bedtime so I didn't take the sleeping pill. I couldn't sleep at first then had broken sleep for a couple of hours. I then started to get the anxiety again ending up with sobbing and retching. I guess I'm not ready to quit the tablets just yet.

[Karena]

  :hug:maybe theyre just the wrong ones for where you are now,and whats required is a relaxant rather than a knock out, but i,m not a doctor thats why it might be helpful to speak to one and  plan a phased switch or exit strategy, or maybe they will tell you,you just arnt ready yet but having that confirmation might also re-assure you about your readiness or not for going back to work.

[Hubby]

Thanks Karena.

After a bad start I did something really stupid. After making a stew for tea and feeling a bit stronger I decided to share Margaret's jewellery out between my daughters as she requested in her will. We got it all together and laid it out and then it hit me.

Nearly every item there represented a birthday, christmas, Valentine's Day, Mother's Day or anniversary. When I held her wedding ring I could remember the day like it was yesterday. I fell apart and sobbed non-stop. I was that upset my daughters decided to call off sharing it out.

After that I did calm down a bit and managed to take the dog out and do a bit of gardening but I am still really low.

I have decided they will have to share the jewellery without me present. Too many memories to handle at once   

[longedge]

One of the things I did in the first few days after Chris died was get my daughters to sort all her things out into three piles. One for each of the girls and one to go to the hospice shop. I know that if I had left it, I wouldn't be able to do it now. There are just one or two items that turned up later and I can't face clearing them out now. We're all different but for me if I hadn't done it then it would have never been done.

Talking of too many memories, my sister-in-law asked me if I could find a photo of her son as a baby (I'm the family photographer/archivist) and I've spent this morning sorting through old photos. I had to give it a rest eventually because for the first time in weeks, I broke into tears -too many memories indeed!

[Hubby]

Today has turned out to be the worst day ever.

I sent my youngest a text apologising for getting upset and suggesting they share the jewellery when I'm not there. She replied that she doesn't want any. I replied that it was Margaret's wish that they share it and she could do it in her own time. She then sent me a really nasty text saying she had set time aside to do it today an couldn't palm her child off on people all the time, it's more hassle than she can cope with, that she's tried to help and just can't do it any more.

I've relied on her to do all the things I can't cope with and now I've pushed her too far. It won't be long before I do the same to my eldest.

[Emz2014]

Its such a difficult raw time for everyone  they are grieving and also will be finding it hard seeing you suffer. Give it a few days maybe and have a walk together or something, pop out together and just spend some time together.  It'll be OK  xx

[Karena]

I dont want to sound harsh at all because I frightened my daughters too, but you must remember the girls just lost their mum theyre devastated too and probably just as upset as you over the jewellery ,.its their memorys too.
Not only that but they see the other rock in their lives ,you,crumbling and they're trying to stay strong for you.

Imagine how terrified your eldest must have been with the incident last week even though it was an error,she may need reassuring on that. You can't help crumbling of course you can't but they're in bits too,

plus your youngest has a new baby that's a time in all our lives when we really need our mums,both my daughters have said that.she can't have her mum but she needs her dad too.


You're all of you in bits and you need to help each other rebuild.Forget the nasty text she is just lashing out.
You could apologise and explain you realise they are grieving too,maybe re assure them that they are not going to lose you too,through any deliberate action you take
do as EMZ says sugest you all go for a walk and take the baby, and then the baby is a focal point a little person who needs all of you and who can unknowingly relieve any tension that arises just by being there.

Maybe you are pushing the jewellery thing too fast perhaps you could all agree that it can wait put it in a drawer and come back too it in a few months,maybe then those memory's will be shared but with smiles about the occasions they invoke and help you all to heal a bit.