Four days

[Hubby]

Thanks for the replies. They do help a lot.

I paid the price for not crying much yesterday. After midnight I realised it was our wedding anniversary and wailed myself to sleep and was wailing again practically the moment I woke up. When I had settled a bit I got up and bought a bunch of red roses and a little yellow potted rose plant and went to the grave.

The cemetery workers had topped off the grave with fresh earth and the faded flowers from the funeral had been removed so it didn't look as stark as it has on previous visits. I had a little chat with Margaret and a bit of a cry. When I got home my eldest gave me the present Margaret had bought for me and that set me off a bit but in a nice way if you know what I mean.

One of my workmates came around and I took him up on an offer to drive me into work and see some of my workmates. It wasn't as bad as I expected it to be.  I've just got back this minute  and I'm ready for sleep.

All in all the day has been a bit more of the same. Not the best but not the worst either.

[Soleil]

Hi Hubby,

That was quite a lot going on. I'm sure these firsts are difficult. Yes, crying is a necessity and I am a big believer in it. Treat yourself to something nice. 

[Hubby]

Cheers johmac. I'll treat myself to a cry   

Got a few things sorted today. Had long telephone call with solicitor re: probate so the wheels are in motion on that. Also managed to clear one thing that had been causing me distress off albeit at a price. There's just one firm I am dealing with now who are trying to take advantage of my situation. I've also had a haircut (not that I had that much hair to cut)

My daughter is epileptic and had an episode earlier I coped with it pretty well considering Margaret normally took the lead. I don't know what I am going to do about her care when I go back to work though.

Billy the Jack Russell only had a short walk due to rain and sleet so no chat to Margaret but I'll catch up with that later. I've had a nice tea but I must start eating more than one meal a day. I'm just relaxing now in the bath getting ready for an early night.

I'm off for an assessment for counselling first thing tomorrow which will get me out of the house and give me a chance for a bit of retail therapy with my eldest daughter.

No tears yet but I've learned that they will inevitably come at some point.

Wishing you all the strength to get through your day. 

[pennyking]

Sending Hugs

good luck for your counselling.

Take care

Penny x

[Karena]

Good luck for tomorrow.
I,m wondering if your daughter has a care plan,the epilepsy society lists it as a right but also for it to be reviewed annually it may not be due but maybe the person in charge of that,or the society itself might be able to help with some practical solutions.I know its another thing on a long list,but it might save you some worry later on to find out now if there is anything.

[Emz2014]

  another day achieved and some progress on tasks.   
Maybe you could try adding some snack size meals throughout the day along with your one meal, starting small may help you get back into a routine and not be overwhelming. Im a bit addicted to a banana with a handful of honey munchy seeds recently, very easy, no prep and tasty

Xx

[Hubby]

Thank you all for the replies.

What a day.

Got hardly any sleep and took taxi to counselling place. It was all going well and they were explaining the timescales to me then she asked if I had considered taking my own life which I honestly answered yes. She then contacted my GP (I'd already talked this over with him) and the stand in doctor recommended I go to A&E to see the crisis team.

I declined as my eldest who was with me had an appointment this afternoon at her epilepsy clinic and I knew how long the wait at A&E would be. The counsellor then phoned the crisis team who went all 'code red' on me and threatened me with the police if I didn't go there and then.

The counsellor then put me in a taxi and told me to let reception at A&E know the crisis team were expecting me. After an hour and a half of waiting, during which my daughter cancelled her appointment, they saw me and let me go. The wait was very distressing as it was in the same area Margaret spoke her last words to me.

After there I took my daughter to a Chinese restaurant for lunch and we got a taxi home. I'm now knackered and my daughter has had to go for a lie down.

I could have done without all this silliness. Today was going to be positive.

[Emz2014]

A challenging day, but you've made it and you managed a Chinese too.    you're still doing well, one step at a time xx

[Karena]

Wow that's a bit Ott.the councillor must have thought you were considering it here and now and given the gp that impression,who not being your regular  also thought that.
But on the subject I,m sure I am not the only one here who also thought seriousely about it. I imagined a scenario in which we get to meet our loved ones again and I imagined what he would say to me knowing I threw away the very thing he fought for,as well as put his family through even more pain.I don't think it would have been the happy reunion we all dream about.I know sometimes it feels like the only solution but I promise it isn't.
 

[pennyking]

How very distressing for you.  Glad you ended with a lovely meal tho.  Sending hugs.
 
Penny x

[longedge]

I don't think a day goes by when at some point I think I just would rather not be here (I've ongoing problems after a stroke some years ago and also a long history of back problems that affected the sciatic nerve in my left leg) but then I think about the misery, far worse than I'm going through that families suffer after a suicide and that pulls me up short. Just the thought of the devastation I would be bringing on the ones I love. I have to keep going for them.

My birthday today by the way and nobody will believe me that I just want to forget about it   

[Karena]

That's one of the perverse things,its difficult for people to call.Many of us feel abandoned after a time but then when people want to make the effort for something like a birthday we don't want that either.Its confusing enough for us to understand ourselves but even more confusing for friends who havnt been through it at all.I was thinking that this morning with bank holiday and my wedding anniversary coming up,I,m tired of being alone to coin a phrase but at the same time I don't want to be around other people.I could go out tomorrow night but I probably won't when it comes to doing it.

[Hubby]

Again thanks for the replies.

I've taken the dog out for a long walk with a friend who dropped round and the Samaritans phoned me which has calmed me down a bit. I also got a letter today from some people that had been taking payment for credit checks from Margaret reimbursing the fees they have charged her for the past two years since they hadn't contacted her in that time so we're obviously not providing the service they were being paid for.

With the suicide thing I have considered it and researched methods. It may sound strange and I don't think I would go through with it but I find it calming knowing I have an exit strategy if everything gets too much. Well before that point I look for help hence calls to the Samaritans, Cruse and looking into counselling. I could have done without the threat of being sectioned just because I answered questions truthfully.

I think I understand the not wanting to celebrate things. Since losing Margaret my perception of time and the importance of events has changed. For example I'm already dreading Christmas. Being around people is also something I am not looking forward to. I would rather feel alone by myself at home than in a room full of people.

Anyhow's, another day done, another step on the journey.

Stay strong everyone. 

[Emz2014]

I did a mental health first aid course last year with mental health first aid England. They cover many areas of mental distress and they also cover suicide. Their alarm bells will have gone off when realising you had thought of methods. But it's really good that you answered the questions honestly, you can get the support and help you need.   

I lost my dad, 3 years ago now, just after his 59th birthday to a brief battle with cancer. And that devastated me. We were really close, he was like a friend aswell as a dad and he would come stay with me often, we'd go on holiday together in Brixham and go out for days exploring. It has had quite an impact throughout the family, even causing a distance between us and his siblings.  I'm not the same person anymore, I have no fear of dying and although I would not make any attempts I'm not scared if something chooses to take me, I almost welcome it in a way.  I didn't feel like that before losing my dad.  I regularly hope I'd be the next to go (to avoid more painful loss) Having said that, most days are much easier now but I think of my dad daily (trying to make him proud still drives me forward for my goals), some days it makes me sad, others I smile and so glad I had him in my life

I also lost someone to suicide many years ago, it was a bit of a complex situation. My husband had been diagnosed with a serious illness and mentally he found it hard to come to terms with, he left me and we got divorced. The divorce was so painful, losing him. I trusted him 100% and my ability to trust was impacted. Shortly before the divorce was finalised he wrote to me explaining and asking me to take him back.  I was so hurt I didn't know how to deal with that. Shortly after the divorce he committed suicide. That has been hard to deal with

Losing our loved ones is so painful, the grief path is a rocky one. But please hold on in there. It will get easier to cope in time, our mindsets do change a bit over the time. I have heard it said that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.  The intensity of pain will ease. I know we can't bring your beloved back, but you have your girls and they would be devastated if they lost you.  Karena has a beautiful thought, live for the both of you and when you do see her again at that natural time, you'll have lots to share

 
Xx

[Karena]

  Christmas is a long time away relatively,rather than letting it fill you with dread now remember to try living one day at a time,but nearer the time you can make a plan decide what you want to do and what you don't,by then you will have developed some coping strategys that can be brought in.I,m not saying it will be pain free of course it won't but it doesn't have to be as bad as you are dreading.BUK doesn't do Xmas breaks and you will still have us here.
I decided to drop Christmas,obviously not completely,I buy presents for grandkids and have dinner at my daughters but everything else has gone,I don't do cards I don't buy copious amounts of stuff I don't do decorations,I do have a couple of rituals adopted from pagan ones,that are mine and not shared with anyone and instead of a normal tree I have a day when the kids come over,we make lots of different bird treats then decorate a tree in the garden with them,I surprised myself with how easy that made Xmas,its someone else's celebration and I can be on the outside looking in,a casual guest rather than a participant but without appearing maudling or as though I'm feeling sorry for myself.Its stress free and not too painful because its nothing like we used to do,but doesnt upset others either.